The worst invention in the history of mankind

The Dyson Airblade. I hate it. I see this hand dryer as a sort of arch nemesis. I always run into it while drinking and can’t help think it’s the most disgusting vile piece of technology on God’s Green Earth.

When it comes to drying our hands after using the restroom, we only have so many options and this abomination is by far the worst.

Paper towels are hit or miss. Wherever there are paper towels in a public bathroom, especially a restaurant, there’s almost always a note asking customers not to flush them down the toilet. Who are these Mexican food eating renegades, who go from restaurant to restaurant clogging toilets with an oppressive amount of paper towels? I can understand the caution on the part of the restaurant owners when we live in such troubling times. Another issue is sometimes they just run out and you have to dry your hands on your jeans.

The classic wall mounted hand dryer was never really reliable. You’d have to punch a big silver button with your fist and basically get a semi-warm breeze to dry your hands. This took forever, so eventually you give it a minute then just give up and walk away with dripping wet hands.

The Xlerator done changed the game. A hand dryer worthy of our respect. The first time I dried my hands with one of these and saw my skin was pressed down from the god-like air pressure, I was impressed. It was efficient, no longer had to treat my jeans like a roll of Bounty.

Why the Xlerator isn’t standard I’ll never know. At around $480.00 a pop, when you’re done with your business and go to dry your hands, this thing ROARS at you. I’m definitely a fan.

But then came the DYSON AIRBLADE.

Starting in the UK in 2006 and making its way to the states in 2007, this machine has been a nightmare. Running at around $1,349.00, these things are now everywhere.

Dyson is known more for their other products like vacuums and heaters. Created by James Dyson, in 1974, the first product was an updated wheelbarrow, which used a ball instead of a wheel and was named the Ballbarrow. So creative. Slow clap for Mr. Dyson.

Now a generation later James Dyson is taking over the bathroom. The Dyson Airblade shoots out a small stream of unheated air at 400mph as opposed to firing hot air to evaporate the water from your hands. It’s more energy efficient than the standard hand dryers and removes water quicker than others.

Yeah yeah yeah that’s all well and good, but it’s gross.

85% of the time when I run into the Dyson Airblade, I’m drunk. And the space for your hands is very small with no room for error. Drying your hands now requires the utmost concentration, so you don’t accidentally touch the sides.

In a public bathroom I want to touch as little as possible. Door knobs, faucets, toilet handles, etc. NOW the only way I can dry my hands is to play a game of Operation that’s literally covered in the water of every other patron who seconds before touched their genitals.

I can’t describe the amount of pressure that now has been introduced into drying my hands. Breitbart has reported the air dryer spreads 1300 times more bacteria than paper towels.

And it’s not like this thing is cheap. IT’S $1,349 BUCKS! You could buy so many rolls of paper towels, or even like THREE Xlerators. You could even put them side by side and have one for each hand.

In Japan, people walk around with their own cloth since the bathrooms there typically don’t have paper towels or a hand dryer. Since we’re in America and don’t do that, why put this fucking thing in there? It’s gross, it spreads bacteria, expensive as shit, and it’s just flat out ugly.

Because of the fact it shoots air in two directions it can’t hang, so it has to be at waste level and looks like you’re reaching into this mouth. I don’t know man, I just know I hate this thing.

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