I built bridges I wasn’t ready to cross
A few years back I had set goals for myself that I didn’t follow through with. I told myself and my family that I’d be the first to graduate from college. I told myself I would become a renowned choreographer. I told myself that I’d be teaching all over the New England area. I had built expectations around a crowd of people who were ready to see something from me that I wasn’t ready to commit to. At the time of saying those things I was so ready to conquer those goals but along the way things started to change as I started to change. I started to ask who I was dancing for, what did I really want, and what about this vision for this company I wanted ever since I was 16? I wanted to manage talent and do good for humanity & mother nature.
In recent years I have not lived up to my dance goals. I have barely managed any talent. So what have I been doing all this time? I took a detour. I stopped school. I stopped trying to be seen. I got distracted. I was afraid of wasting people’s time. I wanted to stop feeling alone. I was always around good people but how was it that I felt alone? Why was I still experiencing melt-downs?
As I learned how to let go of expectations I set for myself, I started to explore who I was and what I wanted outside of my goals. I realized that there was a piece of me that I had silenced for so long. Beyond dance, money, recognition, goals and challenging myself, was just the me that wanted to be. The me that craved freedom, new experiences, self-love, to be understood, a break, nature, and connection. Once I was aware that I had been bottling up all of these needs. I started to try to implement these things into my life. To this day I am still doing that.
Through this entire process I learned that my melt downs and feeling alone came from being overwhelmed with what I was trying to accomplish and taking no time to cater to the other parts of me. So in some sense, for a chunk of my life I had neglected something inside of me that just wanted some time to be present. I felt like there was a little kid inside me crying to be released from the chains of this demanding world.
As I made a shift in myself I began succeeding in different areas of my life and was filling voids in me that I wasn’t aware that existed. I strengthened my interpersonal skills. I learned how to trust my gut. I am more aware of my flaws and how I can improve them. I become a more recognizable face in my community because of my passion for what I do. I became a better instructor. I am hosting a dance convention for the 3rd time now. I now know what it is that I need to do and I’m building a road map towards it.
Although I started things I wasn’t prepared to fully commit to moving forward. This other path that I landed on brought invaluable experiences and relationships that I would never reverse. Some people regret their decisions or claim a past action as a mistake. In life I believe “it is what it is”, but it’s always up to you on how you interpret your experiences and how you use them moving forward. Your thought process on those two things alone will determine whether or not your past action was a mistake, or a lesson. So even though my plans didn’t fall through the way I thought I wanted them to back then. I wouldn’t change a single thing.