The Trump Miracle

The New York Times
October 14, 2019

By a staff member

Editor’s Note: We’ll let history — and you — decide how great a journalistic coup it is to have secured this exclusive interview with one of the inside architects of President Trump’s tremendous first-term success story. A first-time, full-length, no-holds-barred interview.

Our first interest, naturally, is the truth. That said, we can’t divulge the identities of our interviewer nor our highly placed source. Remember: secrecy keeps us safe.


New York Times: Let me start by summarizing some of the more fantastic strides made in the past couple of years. Unemployment, down 15% from the Obama era, to 12%, the lowest ever.

Regime Spokesperson: We just knew the economy was improving, everybody said so. So that was a tremendous move, getting the economy reports, you know, the monthly this, the monthly that, and reviewing them in the White House before their release. It was ridiculous, you wouldn’t believe what a mess we inherited. The numbers were so fake. But as soon as that was straightened out, things were better. Right? Unemployment down, GDP up, the works. Fantastic.

NYT: But even beyond statistics, the anecdotes are amazing, right? They’ve gone viral. Like that coal miner — those coal miners —

RS: A whole town. Whole counties in, like, West Virginia, had 40, 50, 60 percent unemployment.

NYT: The mines came back.

RS: No! I just love this story. No, the mines were never coming back, not there. So sure, some of those guys, experienced guys, if they weren’t too old, found work at the new open pits in Yellowstone, Yosemite. Who knew there was uranium behind where those Indian cliff villages used to be? No… the real story is the camps.

NYT: The border camps, right. Our listeners would like to hear more about those.

RS: They are an amazing employment engine. Full employment! There’s like 18 million Mexicans, Guatemalans, et cetera — waiting for deportation. You know what it takes to house them, feed them? Men, women, children?

Lots of children, after the E.O. limiting birthright citizenship. Better for the families by the way. Who wants to rip a family apart by just deporting the mother? Nobody is that heartless.

We do it smart, we do it cheap, but it takes manpower.

NYT: And those old miners and factory workers — so super glad to have those jobs, I bet. As guards, laborers, cooks, maintenance, you name it, right? All along the wall?

RS: A lot along the wall, sure. The border is basically a 1,500-mile detention zone. But a lot are up in Cali, farm country. I mean, those Mexicans did all our produce, right? Couldn’t lose that manpower. So it made sense, put the camps where they can still go out and harvest all the stuff, the lettuce, all that. And the supply and quality is the same, better than ever.

NYT: What happens when a deportation train goes south?

RS: Oh, there’s no lack of folks to fill beds in the camps. There’s one near Sacramento, grapes I think, that is almost all urban migrants now. Detroit, Chicago, Baltimore… When we sent the feds in — those places were chaos, no order, filthy — it just made sense to ship those folks out. Detroit was empty in four weeks! The trains ran every 20 minutes for four weeks. It was a logistical triumph.

NYT: Some people say it is reminiscent of slavery days.

RS: I could see how they think that. But it’s not like it’s a bad thing. We sort of take the best ideas from this, that, and the other. It’s new, a combination of all the best things. Those people are very happy, very comfortable. Safer than they were in the carnage of the inner city. And with DNA now, not like in Civil War times, we can tell exactly who has the negro blood. Exact, right? Science. And they do the farms, planting, harvesting, all that, saving all those wages. It’s a win-win.

NYT: Well, food prices have gone up.

RS: That’s not an economic thing! We’ve had some bad luck with the weather. Big storms, wildfires, really a lot of it unheard of. Terrible luck — it’ll pass. Nobody could have called it. But it’s just a speed bump. And we had to reroute all the trains and interstates around Oklahoma and the Texas panhandle, the earthquakes are just constant. So, a few extra expenses, plus the camps themselves. We raised local and sales taxes — people want these hombres and gangbangers locked up, right? With extreme vetting? It’s not free. So the communities pay a premium.

And it’s working. Did you know there’s a mutual fund with just correctional and detention equities? And it’s up over 300% just in six months. Our friends on New Wall Street are very, very, very happy. Everybody should put their savings in there! They’ll get so much more return than they ever would have with the old Social Security system.

NYT: Let’s move on. You mentioned Detroit.

RS: Sure. Major success. Basically razed it, large portions. That Army Corps of Engineers, phenomenal. And then we started from scratch. It’s been a modern-day land rush! Biggest gentrification project ever. And people thought having a real estate tycoon for President would be incongruous! So in a few years, it’s all like Grosse Pointe. Fixed the water mains first, of course. Couldn’t have another Flint with good folks paying top dollar.

NYT: South Chicago…

RS: Same. Fewer casualties, but we’d learned. It was a mistake, looking back, to put the BLM on the index publicly.

NYT: The terror index.

RS: Yeah. They just completely overreacted. But — we’re past that, right? And with the new Federal laws criminalizing protest, plus minimum sentencing, they’re not getting out anytime soon. And if they do — they’re never voting! So we’ve just made tremendous strides.

NYT: What about violence against law enforcement? By the way, I feel like we’re not really going in any order here, but you’re okay with that, right? Stream of consciousness?

RS: Oh sure. It’s not like any one area is more important than another. It’s greatness across the board.

NYT: So — LEO…

RS: We inherited such a mess. The murder rate, violent crime, attacks on cops, all at record levels. And you know, of course, cops have to defend themselves. To do their job of keeping the peace they must be respected. Must! It’s commonsense. And we’ve made so much progress.

NYT: Weren’t a lot of those attacks on cops by so-called right-wing extremists? Militia, sovereign citizens, that kind of thing?

RS: I don’t know “a lot.” Some. But those people have come around. You know, we treated them with respect, they treat us with respect. Some of the militias have been deputized. That’s in the Constitution. So some people had real grievances, we took it seriously. What could we do to help them feel like they belonged? We gave it a lot of thought. Nationwide open-carry and concealed-carry, loosening of the really brutal child support and alimony guidelines, decriminalization of domestic abuse, like in Russia. Some of these guys who were operating on the fringes now get that the U.S. has their back. This country has always been inclusive.

NYT: But if you wear a BLM armband, 11 years in penitentiary.

RS: It’s a hateful ideology. Anyway, it’s moot, now that much of the enforcement is being carried out by military, not local law enforcement.

NYT: Can we touch on deregulation and smaller government?

RS: Wow. There’s just so much. Everyone knows a lot about it, it’s been so sweeping, and you guys do such a great job representing the regime. But my point is, I doubt any one person really knows the totality of it. The media tries! They know they have to stay accountable! But there’s too much. We understand that.

[Ticking off on fingers.]

  • No more endangered species
  • Withdrew from the UN, evicted it. I think they’re in Iceland, Sweden, someplace like that. Completely irrelevant.
  • No more Arts Endowment, Humanities Endowment. No more smut.
  • Ended NPR. No more bias.
  • No more affirmative action. DOJ is focused on real issues of justice: voter fraud, Christian persecution, unborn babies, dishonesty in the science community, Never-Trumpers, Obama embeds in the surviving agencies.
  • Interior and Energy are no longer funding boondoggles like so-called climate research
  • No more environmental impact studies. That’s been a huge boon to industry. What, I can’t put my heavy metal retention pond on my own land? People have been so thrilled with this relief, finally.
  • Cuts to foreign aid. There’s a thing: if you’re not taking the refugees and immigrants, why do you need to spend millions helping those countries fight epidemics? Commonsense.
  • Shuttered a lot of the EPA, FCC, CFPB, CDC, FDA, NLRB, SEC — So many alphabet agencies! Ridiculous.
  • Net neutrality, out! Have you noticed how blazing fast your bandwidth is now? It’s phenomenal. And for regular folks, provided their Facebook profile keeps a high enough loyalty index, they can pay for faster speeds, too. It’s all about business getting paid for the service they provide, and not being forced by some Kenyan egghead to hand it out for free.
  • And of course FEMA is now subsumed under DHS. When these so-called superhurricanes hit, like last month on the eastern seaboard, emergency teams are on hand to stop looting and make sure illegals and undesirables don’t get relief needed by law-abiding citizens.

NYT: And the biggies…

RS: Sure. Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid. Finally rolled back those horrible mistakes of the FDR era. And Obamacare — gone. All of them replaced with a single, simple, optional voucher system, paid via tax rebate, as long as you don’t have a record. More take-home pay, more freedom. “We the People” can invest our hard-earned cash for retirement, assisted by counselors who may freely opt to provide advice in our interest. Caveat Emptor — as the Framers envisioned.

If the system rewards you, it’s purely due to your individual merit, not some affirmative handout.

NYT: Medical insurance deregulated — doing business across state lines. No more government telling doctors what and how to treat.

RS: Oh my gosh, that’s only part of it. But yes, portable insurance. The industry wanted that for decades. They’re very happy. Also, no more of those ridiculous overheads trying to insure people who were just never well. I mean, if someone gets sick, you want to be able to get treatment and then be better. But folks who were just constantly ill with one thing after another, chronic, incurable — it was unsustainable.

And the industry really stepped up. Really 90% of business is now done through Maryland, Louisiana, a couple of others with very, very friendly business environments. So if you’re in, say, Oregon, it’s super simple. No need to struggle with astronomical local rates. You just pick a plan from Maryland, they’re very, very cost-effective. And like I said, if you are perfectly healthy, they are a very good deal. It’s only if you actually need a doctor that the extra charges mount up.

But nothing’s free in life, am I right?

NYT: Did you get rid of death panels?

RS: (Laughter.) Oh yeah. We actually never found them in the original bill, but we repealed them anyway, just to be safe. Nobody ever read that whole bill, by the way. You know that.

NYT: And all these changes, the people were overwhelmingly in favor.

RS: Absolutely. First we rescinded the rule-making processes, so there was no burdensome public comment period. When you know a thing is right, why delay a year and then have it ripped to shreds by partisan sniping? Total gridlock.

This effectively eliminated the whole so-called progressive lobbying arm, not directly, I mean, they have some freedoms too, right? Sierra Club, Greenpeace, Amnesty whatever, ACLU, all those guys. But they can’t get data from the blacklisted science fronts, their own data-gathering is all fake, and they don’t have access to the wheels of government because there are no wheels. When a CEO calls the President, and the President says “make it so,” where does a tree-hugger lobbyist fit in? It’s been a revolution. I suppose they are glad for a vacation.

NYT: Some have gone directly to the dig sites at former national parks, historic sites. Laid down in front of bulldozers.

RS: It’s very sad. Homegrown terrorism. But the new armored bulldozers can withstand the blast when their vests detonate. No worries there.

NYT: I don’t want to take a lot more of your valuable time. But we have to talk about education. Betsy “Ross” DeVos…

RS: Oh we love Betsy! The next generation has owes so much to her vision.

NYT: There’s been some confusion about this.

RS: It’s simple. People think, what if I don’t believe in Christian education? I mean, you’re allowed to be an atheist, for now. Or Jewish. But we’re really just taking this incredible investment in our future and applying it to where it truly does good. Not in an unaccountable, secular free-for-all with no morals. You want an education, you fly right — no gender shenanigans, no Spanish language, no war on Christmas, no evolution or so-called climate change.

No indoctrination.

NYT: And the poorer communities…?

RS: Careful.

But that answer’s simple, too. As the gangs are relocated and the inner cities are rehabilitated, those so-called poorer communities aren’t a problem. Right? I mean, they’re just not poor any more. As for rural, there’s online learning. The same property taxes that went for school buildings, teachers, busing, now pay for bandwidth, so kids can gather in church basements or what-have-you, and it’s all set up like an internet cafe. The kids plug in and listen to the news and inspirational speeches. Very high-tech! Remote learning. Liberty-Trump University pioneered this public-private model, and it meshes bigly with home schoolers.

NYT: We’re almost done here, and I want to thank you so very much on behalf of our listeners, for this tremendous virtual tour, if you will, of how incredibly great the U.S. has become in just three years since the carnage and failure of the Obama years.

Is there anything else you would like to mention before we go?

RS: We’re all about transparency. And in that vein, I guess I shouldn’t fail to mention the huge strides in protecting the unborn. SCOTUS overturning Roe v. Wade is only part, of course. That celebration was profound. But countless women have already learned through personal experience the joy of motherhood, when they might otherwise have been tempted to commit what is really such a heinous act, an unforgivable act.

And this is across the board: contraceptive use — that’s a misdemeanor; fathers, including so-called rapists, retain their rights; no more of this nonsense about sexual abuse, safe spaces, “rape culture”; it’s all about protecting the sanctity of life.

And with so many deportations, detentions, and so forth, a little baby boom here couldn’t hurt. We’re encouraging that. So men are doing their duty, too. It’s soul-stirring to think of this tremendous rise in family values.

NYT: To sum up?

RS: America is on its way to being Great again. No longer do we have to fear getting slapped down for calling a criminal a criminal. We can recognize individual merit without getting chided for some loser not having a participation trophy. Men can be men again, women are free, too, to be proper women.

50 million in detention, and counting — a booming business. Our revitalized military, once demoralized by the constant retreats and withdrawals under Obama, has almost eliminated IGBA, the successor to ISIS. Tactical nukes were used in battle, and the sky didn’t fall in. Tillerson’s old colleagues at Exxon have pioneered radiation-proof gear for oil workers in the Hot Crescent, so we can continue taking our share of that oil.

Our great friend Russia is instituting many of the same policies in the Baltics, Eastern Europe, and the Caucasus, with the very welcome rise of their influence there and the collapse of weak NATO.

And gas is only $6.25 a gallon, half what it was under Obama.

NYT: Thank you.

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