The holidays without grandma

Holidays without grandma

Her Christmas cookies and ornaments remind us of a grandma who’s also an ex-mother-in-law

By Vickie Elmer

Sadness drizzles over me like the sweet glaze topping my mother-in-law used to put on a holiday ham or her delicious lemon cookies.

Those cookies, smelling like summertime, sometimes would show up in the huge tins of Christmas bars and baked goods Grandma Judy made every November and December. There were stars and trees, iced in green, and gingerbread men, and these marvelous cookies finished off with a Hershey kiss in the middle. She used waxed paper to separate rows of treats and my children loved to reach in for a goodie when they arrived at grandma’s home for the holidays.

This year, there are no cookies. A neighbor lady brought by banana bread and dinners recently as my son sat at grandma’s bedside. Grandma could not bake or prepare; she lay in bed, dying and in hospice care. And because I had divorced her son some years before, I was not invited into the final gathering at Grandma’s.

Christmas cookies like hers (MorgueFile photo)

Instead, I made sure my son got there, loaning him my car and packing food for the six-hour trip. I requested prayers for Grandma Judy on Facebook, and talked to my Mom about her, as I tried to figure out how to place my sadness and how to channel my love for my ex-husband’s mom.

As a journalist, I decided to research grandmothers during grandma’s last days — and considered it a beautiful break from delving into digital advertising and Detroit’s economy. I considered the role of Jewish grandmothers, and longed to find a way to write about them. I considered grandmas with only one grandchild and how they differ from those with a dozen. I shared with friends a New Republic piece based on scientific research that showed grandmothers allow families to have more children, and to raise healthier smarter kids.

I located a Census report that showed in 2012, 6 percent of children live in grandparents households, about twice the levels of 1970. I considered whether I ought to write a book about grandmothers’ inspiration and wisdom, in business or elsewhere — which made me re-read my grandmother’s wisdom piece for Fortune.com. Writing about grandmas seemed almost as enticing as one of her beautiful Christmas cookies or hand made tree decorations.

Holidays of old

Then, I thought about Judy and recalled the baby’s cloth books, needle point Christmas ornaments, delicious dinners and mother — daughter dresses she used to make. I dug up some of them, and hugged them close, then packed some back away for the great-grandchildren yet to be born, the little ones she will never meet.

When my children were small and we were coming to Peoria for a holiday visit, grandma always would have cookies and games and other activities ready. She anticipated and prepared for many days, so the refrigerator was overflowing, beds made and the basement pool table and cue sticks ready.

She would make meals ahead of time, so she could enjoy our visits. She even would have handmade very warm hats and gloves available so my hubby and the kids could head to the sledding hill. (When we lived in California, we came without these winter basics and even after, the habit stuck.) Grandma Judy knew the value of gathering comic books and scarves, making stews and memories, of preparation before the celebration. She may have savored the time preparing as a thin thread that wove her family more securely into the fabric of her life.

Now though she’s sewn into my life, showing up in my recipe book, my boxes of Christmas ornaments — and in many memories of holidays spent ice skating and noshing, watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or playing board games or pool. I made apple crisp from her recipe as she lay in hospice care.

Then, I bought hand made scarves and a Zingerman’s sour cream coffee cake to donate in her name and in her memory. I cried unexpectedly in the afternoon, and I checked in with my children including my son who stayed by grandma’s bed until she died.

And I wrote: A sympathy letter to a high school boyfriend who recently lost his mother, a few Christmas cards to dear friends and some sketches on Grandma Judy, which led me to this piece. Yet I still am not certain how my loss links in the family, or whether I ought to scribble my sadness on the margins so my children may have full page to express their grief that Grandma’s gone.

In the last few days, I have hung ornaments Grandma Judy made and wondered which of her recipes to use. And I hope and pray that in the bitterness of death and loss, we find a taste of sweetness in family traditions, in sharing memories and in grandma’s cookies.

Post script: If you’re grieving this holiday season over a grandma or a mother or some other special person who has passed, dig into this collection of resources from I Did Not Know What to Say. Or undertake and share your own acts of kindness that honor and recall the person who touched your life.