Holding on to my memories…

To look back and be unable to distinctly recollect every fine detail of the moments that I hold so very dear to me – my one worst fear. Well, or so I thought, until now. The now, you see, is a different time, for I realize that there a multitude of things that qualify with high honors in my Worst Fears category. Also, pardon me, for sarcasm might not be my forte. Nevertheless, I ain’t that kid who gives up!

Lately, I’ve been contemplating over my fears, probably more than I should or probably just the right amount, who knows! So here’s the thing – Do I even want to really remember it all? All those moments of joys and sorrows – do I wanna remember them just alike? Should I be expending my precious brain cells over souvenirs of the past when I could be feeding them with knowledge perpetual? And then, just when I’m wondering if I should or shouldn’t, I suddenly realize that I’ve very little control over it. I remember things, whether I’d like to or not, I just remember certain things. Don’t you see how contradictory this is? I remember things but yet I fear losing them out from my memory. I’m going bonkers. Do you do too, or is it just me?

Some things defy logic, words, or explanations you see. They are just what they are.

While we’re on this topic of remembering - unremembering, I’m reminded (Oh! The irony, I know...) of this movie, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Here’s the plot as given in IMDB -

When their relationship turns sour, a couple undergoes a procedure to have each other erased from their memories. But it is only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with.

So that is to say, you could undergo a medical surgery to have your memories removed (well, just considering the possibility portrayed in the said movie) and yet, you could never run from who you are. I believe some memories also change you for the person you are – now that is a little scary to me.

Maybe some of our memories linger on a little longer than the others and maybe some escape like they never existed in the first place. There’s another category though – memories that turn into the ghosts of the past. Now these ones are the hardest to deal with I believe.

Have you ever had a fascination for collecting things? Books, coins, movie tickets, restaurant bills, pens, and all such things alike? Have you ever had to let go of them for some reason unexpected? How did you feel? Did a hundred moments associated with them flash before your eyes? Now, what would you do if couldn’t ever manage getting hold of even a single such memory? To me, it feels like that the ground beneath my feet is sinking, that I’m running out of air, gasping for breath. I wish no one would ever have to through that monster of a feeling. No one.

I know now. I know the answer. Or at least I think I do.

I want to remember. I want to remember them all, regardless of the repercussions. I just want to. At least this way, I get to choose what do I suffer from. There’s a certain sense (albeit a false one) of ease, tranquility that comes from knowing what your demons are. It gets exhausting fighting the unknown. So I’ll choose. I’ll choose the familiar ones, even if it’s only to be stricken down by them. I’ll choose my memories. Always.