Inside the Mind of a Sociopathic Orphaned Biker
‘People often look at dangerous sports and wonder if it’s simply made to look dangerous to attract attention, or if it truly does risk lives. With me, well… Every time I ride a bike, I feel like a god in control. It seems to be a natural gift; a natural talent that I was simply born wtih. Was my father a professional biker? Was my mother? I probably will never know. Either way, I know it runs in my blood. How? Why? I still don’t have those answers.
‘But if I’m being honest with you, even though I feel like I’m in charge, every time I ride, every time I break speed limits by modifying the engine; making things faster and faster, I wish I would somehow lose control and end up never waking up again. The last thing I see would be the open skies, where I often felt I belong. To finally stop dealing with this exhausting task of existing. Yes, I even picture it. Going right off a cliff I had no idea was there, or hitting a new site of construction work and flying into something that completely shatters me. I know that me dying would not affect anyone; I’d be nothing, completely forgotten.
‘Perhaps being surrounded by death is the reason I became whatever I am now. Death is something I feel I can always challenge. I may want to succumb to it, but I like… Fighting it. It’s already taken so much from me, stripped me of ever feeling like I truly matter to someone. Since I lost so many people… While others simply left me. Abandonment issues? I’d say you’re on point.
‘I’m not afraid of dying, but I won’t willingly kill myself. Survival instincts? Maybe. But I think I just don’t want to die before… Before I can be remembered by something, someone. I don’t want to simply dissipate from the world, as if I were never born.
‘Yes, it’s a shitty feeling. Especially when you’ve known what it’s like to be someone’s world, only to lose that, to never again have it… People come and go, and you still feel like… Like you’re nothing to them. Someone who smiles just at the thought of you. Someone who really loves having you around. It makes me wonder… Will I ever have that again? Will I leave a significant mark on the world to leave a legacy behind?’ — Trent “Lightning” Blade.