Fellow New Yorkers: Does anyone else hate birthday dinners?

V
V
Sep 7, 2018 · 2 min read

I hate them with extreme passion. They’re selfish, irritating, never fun, and expensive.

Us sitting at a Last Supper-esque table. The birthday broad in the middle. You’re sitting across from:

A. The most shy person in the group.

B. The couple that has no interest in talking.

C. The guy that talks only about himself.

Your friends are sitting on the other side of the table because they showed up late.

It take 80 hours to order, “Should we get a thing to share? Should we do a bottle? I don’t drink. UM I’M A VEGAN.”

The stifled conversation,

“So…what do you do…”

“Are you from New York??”

“omg Donald TRUMP SUX!!!!”

We eat our mediocre Italian/Mexican food.

  • Someone orders the 50 dollar steak.
  • Someone orders a side of olives for 5.00
  • Someone orders another bottle of wine without asking the table.
  • The interesting conversation is way down on the other side.

You swish your overpriced drink and envy the three person table sitting across the restaurant. Swig more wine, you’re going to get your moneys worth of this bottle. By the time they pass it to you, there are drops left.

Dinner is finally finished and someone suggest dessert. Daggers shoot out of your eyes, but the birthday broad is excited.

More wine is ordered. Overpriced artisan ice cream and brownies distributed.

Now it’s time. The check.

The waiter is already miffed with you guys and places the scroll length check on the table.

“I can only take two cards.” he says it with glee in his eyes.

The check is $10,000 and suddenly everyone becomes a teetotaler.

“Lets split it up equally. I only had a salad. I didn’t order any cocktails. I’M VEGAN. I didn’t have any of the fourth bottle. There was a fourth bottle? I don’t have venmo. All I have is 15 bucks”

After 34 minutes of arguing

You dish out $80 dollars for two glasses of wine and a $10 dollar generic Italian/Mexican dish. You don’t even like Italian/Mexican.

The couple across from you finally peeps up, “WE CAN’T LET THE BIRTHDAY GIRL PAY FOR HERSELF.”

The crowd gasp, “NO OF COURSE NOT.”

You pay $120 dollars for two glasses of wine and a 10 dollar meal.

You’ve wasted three hours of your life and you’re hungry and still sober.

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