How to Contribute to Get Closer to the Purpose I’m Trying to Build?

By Katia Del Rivero

Versión en Español

This week I was called ignorant in a very fancy way full of theoretical frameworks to support it.

It catches my attention how we live in a world where saying something that bothers, or seems wrong, or different to someone else, is enough reason to devalue, and denigrate.

Most of what we do or say about something “we don’t like”, “or seems wrong” is “to judge, evaluate, express our disagreement or devalue”, very few times we think about building. And we even validate our arguments for not doing so.

When I invited the person that contributed in this way to build, this person answered that one should listen and be willing to question its beliefs. The next question that came up to my mind was, would she do the same thing?

It’s so easy to justify (not to say blame) in others the behaviors and choices we make from our autonomy!

The Challenge of Living the Blumenstein® Theory

Living consistently with the Blumenstein® Theory it’s a great challenge, it implies becoming responsible of my reality constructions. Asking myself what do I want to build, or what it’s the purpose of that which I want to do. Asking myself if that which I want to do is going to contribute in some way or not, to increase the probabilities of getting closer to my purpose or not. Adjusting my contribution when my purpose doesn’t seem closer. Speaking from the heart (not jumping to others tomatoes). Express my needs clearly. Looking to the future. Learning to navigate confidently in the uncertainty sea that’s life. And knowing that even if I do all of this, I’ve got no control of the result because it’s in both of our hands, in social terms and in the hands of life, in the context of nature.

And it’s just that the way the world is full of contributions that tell us otherwise, the educational model in which we were raised, do not stand this idea:

The “positive thinking control” myth. Thinking that with what I do, someone else is going to change is like thinking that I have control over life and others behaviors. But this is precisely what is sold to people with the “positive thinking” approach.

This week I got a video that took me into my helplessness and made me crazy mad. The video was about “positive thinking”, it had an interesting quote “I swear, I swear to you that disgrace runs away from those who don’t pay attention to it”. Michael and I, he ten thousand times more than me, have been people with systemic thinking, while this is not negative nor positive, it’s an invitation to watch the world and trust in the certainty of life’s uncertainty. And still, in seven seconds he died in my arms, and I couldn’t do anything to avoid it. I understand the deep fear that comes with learning to live with this lack of control feeling, I understand that we need to “build theories to learn how to live with this” and from my point of view, it’s super complex to assur things that we can’t control.

The “you are responsible for what I do” myth. In our conversations, we usually make others responsible for our behaviors. My boss did, and because of that I… My partner did, and because of that I… You said this in your video, and because of that I… In this way, we never take true responsibility for our actions and contributions. “I chose to do this because…”, “This happens to me with…”. It’s just that, this last thing it’s truly challenging. At home, we had a wonderful game. Every time that something happened and I was out of my center, Michael –who adored me- would say to me “I’m guilty”. Of course, he knew he wasn’t but he appealed to that myth, in which we are so trained, where “if there’s someone to blame, then it can be solved”. It was gorgeous to play with the idea of “there’s someone to blame” then we can live happily. It was a game for the mind and to teach me to come back to my autonomy.

I learned this so well, that in my new home, I’ve chosen to take the “yes, we already know that is me we should blame about everything that happens” role, so what should we do now. It’s a mind game. It’s challenging the belief of being guilty is bad. We are all guilty, as Michael said, or neither of us is –any way you want to see it-, actually we all co-created it.

The “you are not seeing something I see” myth. There’s a pretty little lady, who I love very much, and with whom I really enjoy talking. Her name is Ayesha. And in this two last weeks, I’ve noticed that, with my contributions, as Michael would say, “I jumped into her tomatoes garden and made some havoc”. When I realized, I asked myself why did I contribute in that way, which moved me to do it and I realized “I let myself go because of my affection”. I love her, and I don’t want that anything bad to happen to her, so I forgot to look at her in her own sufficiency and I jump to her tomatoes to tell her “what she has to do” or “what she hasn’t seen”. It’s not like that, I can share my point of view, but is mine, and in order to build, I need to build in a way that it’s lived like that, not in a way that it’s taken as a recommendation, critic, evaluation or judgment.

What Do You Want to Built?

If from all of the Blumenstein® Theory, this question stays with you in your way of behaving and thinking, from my perspective, it would trigger so many other things.

If what you want is “being right”, then clearly your contribution would be devaluaiting to those who think differently. Are you aware that after that it’s going to be hard to build something different with you?

If what you want to do is to build a world where there’s peace, and you fight about the method or the form we may not be able to build it.

So I quote Michael’s phrase once more… “be patient and loving with yourself”, choose from where and how you want to look at the world, what do you want to build… even if if they starting point is a difference.

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