21 red flags I Found in Women’s dating profiles!

21 red flags I Found in Women’s dating profiles

Disclaimer, the following article is written for satirical purposes only, and any statement made and presented by the writer is for entertainment purposes only, and should NOT be considered actual statements by the author.

A blog post from a swiping man by Victor M

It’s not easy dating these days, being a man looking for love in all the wrong places. in today’s modernist hellscape, men and women find their love through dopamine-inducing dating apps, yep, the place created by tech giants to make us more addicted to notifications, is where we have gamified our love lives. and it seems we, as a collective society have embraced the idea. And now that we have, the toxic traits of insecure women has no place to hide and I have spotted 21 of them, let’s dive in.

RED FLAGS!

Nr. 1.

Men in your photos, I don’t care if he is your brother, your colleague, your ex, your dad, your boss, or your gay best friend. If there is a man beside you in that same photo I am swiping left,

Because we are not interested in knowing that you have other men in your proximity, we want to live in the illusion, that you are a perfect virgin that doesn’t even know what a penis looks like, we men want to limit the possibility that multiple men has had their way with your precious flower. we want to know you are available and that you are safe to pursue. But showing any other men regardless of relation in your photos shows us that you might not be the safest choice for a partner. And thus we would rather pursue someone else. remember we are talking about split seconds here, make it easy for us.

Nr. 2.

Group photos, here we go with the group photo, are you that insecure that you can’t have any stand-alone pictures of yourself in your prime? I have often come across profiles that only had group photos. And to me, that is an obvious red flag. Which one am I getting? it’s a mystery.

Like one of those mystery boxes you buy off of eBay, but today is not my lucky day, when I open up that overpriced mystery box from hell, all I find when I tear off the duck tape, is it’s the atrocious behemoth from below sticking out of the crowd like an open eyesore. it’s hideous and yet fascinating, And we have now identified the owner of the profile. left swipe bam!

Nr. 3.

Filters, I thought this would be an obvious thing. But no woman love putting cute, cute, cute, filters over their profile photos. Or just dumb dog snouts with ears and tongues, and we all know it’s the Snapchat craze that has infiltrated common society, but this however screams insecurity like a train horn in a quiet little library lecture. It’s immature, and borderline psychotic, just use your normal everyday filterless mug, so we may have a chance of gazing into those lovely hazelnut eyes of yours.

Nr. 4.

Mixing old and new pictures, alright fair enough, you have some old photos of you and some new, do they somewhat correlate in appearance? or did you just lose or gain a lot of weight? if you lost weight cool. toss the old ones out with the bins, they don’t need to resurface, but did you gain weight for some odd reason, now it’s a Russian roulette to go on a date with you. You see us men we’re simple, We want to know what we are being sold. especially if we are traveling cross country to go on a date with you, Nothing feels worse than thinking we go out with a supermodel, only to end up with a morbidly body-positive creature of unknown origin, with a deep prominent voice that could scare the local crows out of the trees, all we ask for is just equal honesty, if you pull that trick, you’re also showing that you value dishonesty over temporary discomfort. and that is a red flag.

Nr. 5.

Only showing close-up face photos, again that train horn just keeps on giving in this little library lecture. We hear your insecurity loud and clear lady! go away! and come back when we can assess the damage. show us your body! we just want to know what we are working with here, are we talking about double plane seat booking? or just some neat fishnet ham ankles, or do we need to carry an extra deodorant that is only dedicated to the folds? there are men out there that love a round lady, give them a chance to find you in all your voluptuous glory, be bold, be you and that’s it.

Nr. 6.

Too casual, oh okay so you are only wearing sweatpants, flip-flops, and hoodies now. Nice, does your apartment smell like a homeless person took a dump in the trash vent? how about a shower are you familiar with those? and I’m not talking about the dry ones. And is that a dead cat barred in your couch cushions? I’m asking because it’s leaking, at least give it a proper burial or turn it into a good stew. If you show no other qualities other than smoking pot and hating capitalism, that gets boring real quick, I have heard all before, come up with something new will ya, maybe a good clean up or a neat sweeping of the floor. I swipe left though. I prefer my cat’s alive and out of the couch.

Nr. 7.

The Laying down selfie Okay. You are a woman in the prime of her age looking for a mate, maybe someone to help bring home the dough, to build a solid life with, Cool, you chose to take all your selfies laying down? what the hell? Why would you do such a thing? Imagine what that signals. A woman too lazy to even take a decent picture of herself, with all the immense challenges we humans face on a daily basis, sitting upright was the most challenging one for you. congrats I’m out of here.

Nr. 8.

Has kids and doesn’t mention it. If you are a woman who has had kids and you don’t let other men know that a seed has already been planted in your fruitful garden of love. We men, feel betrayed before we even get to meet you. Be upfront about it and make sure you are honest, when he asks why you broke it off with the father of the child. be honest tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god. He might have left for a reason. A reason we would love to know as soon as possible. There are men out there who gladly will venture into a relationship with a single mother. But be upfront about it. No hidden offsprings, please!

Nr. 9.

Offensive language in your bio Okay so you have a bio, and you fill it with either what some dick said to you in a previous match, or you just flat-out use it for a statement that makes no sense. first of all, it gives away the level of your stupidity it’s also just weird and Abnormal and it’s also a bit scary. Remember women are just as scary as men. You do not wanna end up with a scary woman. That is some of the worst stress a man is forced to endure if he is trapped in a relationship with a really crazy scary woman. just take it out of your bio, and we won’t know until it’s too late.

Nr. 10.

If it’s too obvious you take drugs of any kind

Do drugs? Cool keep it to yourself, baby. We are out here seeing if we can put a baby in you. And if you display any form of irresponsible behavior, we are swiping left. Remember men are problem-solving risk-assessing bio machines, we are trained to look for risk and calculate it well, and then act on it. and you taking drugs, either for habitual stimuli or recreational coping, that is a red flag. And we are not even pulling in before we are pulling out. But if you invite me over for a Bob Marley-themed circle jerk, I’m gonna hesitantly agree to it.

Nr.11.

No bio

Oh so your that hot huh? Cool, should I carry the whole conversation then? Because I will, until I get bored and find someone who writes me back. If you don’t have anything in your bio I can’t break the ice, I don’t know how to approach you. But you’re hot and without a bio chances are you’re also vague. And that vagueness is gonna result in an eventual unmatch unless… You are down to clown, but I don’t know that, because you guessed it, there is no bio to give me a hint, and Because I always bring the circus. I might bring the elephant from the china shop down the street, and you might hate broken plates and misplaced cutlery, this is why, had you had a little bio I could have spitballed off of, I would have settled for a little toot in the horn, instead of this unmatching mess.

Nr. 12.

She has too many animals in her photos

Are you a Zoo keeper? or did I just swipe right on the Discovery Channel? if not, then what gives? needless to say, You are using important Tinder real estate for a cat or a dog I’m not gonna date. I’m just not that kind of guy. Why do you show me this? Show you. Show yourself. If you have a cat or a dog or a lizard of sorts, show it at the very end with you in it. don’t use up all 10 images for dog photos, it’s dumb.

Nr. 13.

Drinking in photos

Images of you drinking are quick tells that you might have a problem. both socially, economically, and spiritually okay, I’ll allow one image with a glass of white wine with a neat sunset in the back, fair enough, but all 10? We know you’re intent is to show how fun to be around. But it comes off as sad, sad in a way you feel sad, for a father of four shooting up heroin behind a thrift store dumpster, and we men are not gonna risk dating a problem like that whether it’s in AA or not.

Nr. 14.

Eating in your photos

If you’re eating in your photos. It makes us think. “ you couldn’t put down the food for one fucking second to take a picture?” woah what kind of self-destruction would I have to endure to make you happy? We are literally talking for one second. like, you could still be seated and all that. One second, just tilt the phone, wipe your mouth, and click. But no, you would rather have that sublime trophy image of you, aggressively vacuuming that innocent bowl of spaghetti up through your mouth, and don’t get me wrong here, it’s not that I don’t like women eating, I love it. But you’re dating profile is a billboard to the world, why not show us the most appetizing pictures of yourself instead? You wouldn’t want to buy a sports car with a Cleveland Steamer installed on the seat either. Do you catch my drift here? You’re gorgeous honey, just not with the leftovers all over your face.

Nr.15.

Only extreme sports pictures

This girl I have no idea what she looks like. Her face is always distorted from either a skydiving selfie. A kayak turn. Or a horseback jump. Or a full-frame shot of her caught inside a tidal wave, barrel rolling with the sharks. This girl is wild, And just from the pictures, I know I couldn’t keep up, and if I lost you in a crowd I would never be able to identify you. The only side she has managed to show me is the extreme one, and I need to know we also chill on the couch from time to time. if she is this extreme she might also apply that extreme energy to other parts of her life, for good and for bad.

Nr. 16.

Only travel photos.

Okay so you travel a lot, but where are you? like where do you live? are we in the same country? Should I move abroad to date you? Are you trying to buy a ticket over here so you can scam me out of my money? Are you from an Asian country and really want a white man that can support you, and your way of doing it is to change location to find hopeful easy bate? it’s suspicious as hell especially combined with the other red flags. This is again one of those things where it can go so many ways. Either you are just a girl who loves travel. but what about your natural habitat? where do you reside, when not on an adventure? it’s confusing, make it clear.

Nr. 17.

Model-ish photos.

This is a gray area for us men, you have to know, if you are this hot, and this single, and we matched, so many red flags went off just there. any given man, at any given time in their life, has experienced being, either tricked, scammed, catfished, hacked, blackmailed, or ghosted, and you know what, it always starts with a hot chick way out of our league. So you might be a hot girl that just thinks we are cute. But we have so much trauma build up in these bones, that we are actively looking for the catch. where is your shtick. are you too bad at English? Are you too masculine in your words? or too aggressive in your Amazon gift card persuasion, do you not speak English very well, but know how to get to the nearest Western Union in my local area? What is the thing that can bring us out of this tricky mess? and then there is you who might be real and genuine. and us unmatching in past trauma to protect ourselves. The same suspicion occurs when a hot woman contacts us in our DM’s it’s fucking weird, and too sus dude, it’s a new profile with only 5 pictures on it, fuck off.

Nr. 18.

Too nude or too sexy

Okay, these are fun if you are looking for some clown time in your downtime. But are you looking for a relationship, we men don’t want to have a woman who multiple men have seen naked or partly unclothed, We love that you are open and free with your body. Just be it only with me and not the rest of the world, please. If you are. The likelihood of you cheating is high. Because you are seeking external validation instead of internal confidence. I will swipe right though, I might get lucky.

Nr. 19.

Shared profiles

Fuck off! I don’t care if you thought it would be cute or proficient or it’s for a party. If you and your friend thought it would be a good idea to collaborate and share a profile and swipe together. Just Fuck off! You are wasting everyone’s time. You are showing us that you are insecure. Can’t be alone. Unwilling to face rejection. And possibly fucking needy. I wouldn’t touch any of you even at the world’s end. if I were forced to reproduce and you guys walked in with your shared profile, I would Seppuku my ass right then and there, Go out there be yourself, face the world in your glorious uniqueness, and stop being weak.

Nr. 20.

Too reliant on horoscopes

Don’t get me wrong I love all the horoscopes and hocus pocus, I also talk to the trees and converse with the aliens. But if you need to know my birthday, birthplace, and time of birth. You might be too reliant on external factors to have a good time with me. You lay too much of the natural chemistry in the hands of the ether. And that can be a red flag if you don’t take it with a grain of salt, just be present with me at this very moment, I want to look into your eyes and caress your thighs in that beautiful sundress, without you needing to check the stars for cosmic compatibility first. This ties back to where you are on the religious extreme scale, which you can read here, but everything in moderation. it’s great that you connect with nature and love walking barefoot in the grass though.

Nr. 21.

The black images or object image profiles

Euphoria has set in, and I have lost my legs, as I lay on the ground with my ripped jeans and t-shirt covered in mediocre cafeteria food and my classmate’s remains, my vision has gotten blurry, all the people that were here, have either impulsively exploded, or left the building in screaming agony, and I find myself being the only one left who sought refuge under a gum-infested table. The train that entered the little library lecture this morning, kept up its horn going, and for some odd reason, the horn kept getting louder, and louder and louder until I couldn’t hear it anymore, the train conductor operating the train, must have put the horn feature on autopilot, until he himself blew up, and covered the inside of the cockpit cabin with his blood type, it’s B positive by the way, I could tell because some him hit my lower lip 8 meters away, some of my fellow students said it derailed itself somewhere between Cardiff and Sheffield and somehow found its way in here, I’m bleeding from my ears, the blast from the train horn managed to send out a seismic shock wave, so vast and violent it not only exploded my porous ear drums and broke my ribs, but also managed to tip over the Richter scale. And I must come to terms with the fact, there is no God, and if there is, he’s having a laugh.

Well, That concludes the 21 red flags I find in women’s dating profiles, I hoped you enjoyed reading this little conundrum. feel free to share this with your friends.