At This Point Writing Is My Therapy.
I wouldn’t wish addiction on my worst enemy. But I would wish recovery from addiction on them. Life is lived out loud. I’m not overtly religious and at times I feel my church would give me a passing grade. But I think God sees that. I hope so.
I spent everyday of my addiction trying to forget I had a problem. Now, I spend my sobriety reminding myself that those experiences were not bad dreams. I hate weekends I’m home alone without friends or family, it’s better this way as opposed to the weekends spent with addiction. The Monster that wanted to kill me. Alone is okay.
I pray everyday (survivor's guilt perhaps) No because I believe there is a heaven, but because I spent my addiction living in hell. Addiction did not make me smarter, more attractive, funnier or more responsible. The people around me knew that. I was the one who didn’t
“Have you ever tried to stop crying but couldn’t? the room kept spinning, my mind was spinning around in circles. I couldn’t even hear the thoughts I was thinking. Is life really an open ditch? I know death wants to steal a kiss. When you’re gone they feel your wrist to see if you’re pulse still exists. Living in the belly of the beast was a real abyss. Walking a straight line is what would entertain. Not worried about bills, just the daily challenge to find balance in my brain. I was sure there was something else living inside my heart other than that pain. So I take life as a lesson. I didn’t want to choke on my own vomit simply because life’s a broken promise.”
You see addiction doesn’t take from the addict. It’s poison flows through the bloodstream of the addict’s emotional life and enters the lives of so many around them. The closer the emotional ties the greater the potency of the toxin. Some develop a tolerance. Some have an inherited immunity, but most suffer. Much as my loved ones suffered. That truth is essential for me. Are my loved ones well? I cannot know. I talked to my therapist today. I can no more bring my loved one to a better place than I can bring myself. The world teaches sobriety or it kills the addict. The world does not care. It’s up to the addicts to share experiences, strengths, and hopes, which are the path to greater possibilities.
“You mean I have to work on recovery everyday?” I asked this once in March I think but now I think “Well it didn’t seem to bother me to work on addiction that often.”
Everyday I pray God help’s to relieve myself of the bondage of self that I may better do his will.