Ethically Independent
In December of 2015, I decided that I really wanted to live alone. On the west side of town. I hit a large number of road blocks trying to accomplish that, but I am nothing if not persistent about achieving the things that I want.
Evaluating my options I realized that I was pouring an average of 500 dollars a month into maintaining my vehicle. A 1996 Toyota Camry, which has reliably taken me over 100,000 miles over the last 4 years. I know a lot about the care, maintenance, and upkeep of an older vehicle. My observations on either side of the coin. One side, not having a car payment on an older vehicle that requires more maintenance. Or, a car payment on something more reliable, that will also double your insurance payment. Either way, being a responsible car owner is costing you at least 500 dollars a month. That’s from a frugal college student doing her best to just get around this town. I know that number is, easily, double that.
Which happens to be the difference in, my cost, of living alone, vs having a roommate. I knew I wasn’t responsible enough to have a license anyways. I decided to stop driving before I did something stupid and they took away my right to drive. I have known since I moved here 5 years ago that this is not a pedestrian friendly city. I have never had quite the motivation, free time, or mental clarity that I have found myself with now.
I could sit around bitching about indigo child bullshit.
Which just sounds like the cry of my generation.
Too many video games and excuses.
Or I could take my sobriety as an act of civil disobedience.
Most of us are forced to chose, between being nice and well mannered. And rebelling and going our own way in life.
Kant pointed out, the easy route, that everyone around me seems to have taken. It is easy to just grasp at assimilating the ideas that our parents brought before us.
I don’t have any actual knowledge of practical ethics. But my intuition tells me it helps bridge that gap.
Ethically, I cannot allow for the emotional please of a few to go unheard, because their voices weren’t loud enough.
Because they weren’t as mobile.
Because they were a minority.
Because they aren’t as pretty as I am.
That is not fair.
A majority will always try to stifle a minorities voice. That is the easy thing to do, especially because a life of poverty breeds the type of tendencies a majority can use to shut a minority up.
Ethically, I have to use the power of my imagination, to garner empathy from the people that matter. To fight for minority rights, even minorities I don’t personally identify with.
At a rather critical moment someone told me to take care of my mind.
Ethically I have to be sober. I can’t let the insights I have go to waste because I want to escape reality. Even if noone else wants me to be.
Ethically I have to love myself enough to be sober.
Ethically, I have to practice humility. The hardest part. Sitting down, shutting up, and realizing that the more I listen, the more I know. The more I recognize that I don’t know anything the less foolish I sound.
Forgiveness, compassion, empathy might save us all at the end of the day.
How about a new spin on the street car named desire? I have always relied on the kindness of strangers, and have found this to be my saving grace.
Honestly I have always had much more to fear from the people I have loved the most. None of my interactions with strangers have led to my direct harm. (Maybe a little collateral damage in the wake of what happens when strangers try to harm me) I have learned to trust anyone with anything, except for anything I can afford to lose.
I have realized that my integrity is really the only thing I cannot afford to lose. I have always been an intrinsically honest person. I don’t like having to be around people I have to lie to. I didn’t like myself when I wasn’t being honest with myself.
Which I learned at AA,
“When first challenged to admit defeat, most of us revolted”(Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions)
I know as well as anyone, that it is a process, that it sucks. That you can only do it for yourself, because you want to live. More, because you have meaning and purpose in your life. Because you are a part of something bigger. Because its not about you, and your problems are cosmically insignificant.
The more sober I get, the more ridiculously abundant life gets.
I get that if I can’t take anyone seriously, because they are controlled by their addictions. I have to walk my talk, fly straight, and be sober myself. And that fucking Sucks. Everyday. Don’t you forget it. I know you won’t if you are sober, and being honest with yourself.
I realized that in order to be sober, I had to create a reality for myself that I could stand to be sober in. I realized that the only thing I was ever really addicted to was altering my consciousness. Out of utter frustration, because life sucks.
Just because I believe myself to be honest. Does not mean I can ethically, believe all the words that come out of, anyone, else’s mouth. Mostly, because I do not trust anyone else’s ability to be honest with themselves. Largely due to how often I find myself calling my own bullshit. And I know that I am doing my absolute best to be honest with myself everyday. I will never make the assumption that anyone I am facing is doing the same thing, because it is never easy. Please don’t think that I don’t know that better than anyone.
Ethically, I have to sit in observation of my ego. Which generally gets in the way of anything productive happening.
I have locks, on top of locks, on top of locks, that help me keep a lid on everything else around here.
Ethically, I have to practice the art of storytelling. It seems like we got lost in the printing press.
Ethically, I have to read more. So I can actually understand the things that are coming out of my mouth. So I have sources to back up my bullshit.
So here is my first crossroads in my philosophical search for happiness. Jewish tradition teaches that you cannot be wise until you are 40. That makes sense to me, most of the men capable of rolling with me are over 40. I’m just waiting for the one’s that aren’t there yet to grow up it seems.
However, what I garnered from developmental psychology, and the psychology of aging last semester says otherwise. We have now conducted a fair amount of research across countries, and cultures, that indicate that wisdom is not linked to age at all.
I think it is just linked to that point where we start to think for ourselves. A scary prospect to be sure. Especially since doing so is so intrinsically linked with failure.
But where would we be if after we fell down a few times as infants, we just decided to not get back up?
Somewhere in my Introduction to the Philosophies of Asia class I picked up a bit of wisdom that said something about…. It is only good manners, to be as well groomed as possible. I know I am outrageously overdressed everywhere I go. I’ve always said that I am dressing for the job I want to have. Now that I am my own boss, I’m just going to be raising the standards for appropriate dress around this state.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson
A key part to my development, was when someone gave me permission to be authentic. He told me the thing he admired most in me, was the permission I gave myself to be myself. Ultimately what I need, is enthusiastic, and collaborative consent. From myself, to be sober everyday.
I can enable anyone, to do anything. That is what I learned on my first go round with a 12 step program. Back in Arkansas we had Celebrate Recovery. A place I walked through a few of the steps that somewhat enabled me to not to be codependent. At least I am starting by being honest with myself.
I often get frustrated, on a personal level, with guys who want to devour me the moment they meet me. Obviously, they are lying to themselves about who I really am. Or they have bad intent. Or they are trying to take something from me to get their own needs met. Guy’s who are obviously just telling me what they think I need to hear.
Sounds like a lot of ego’s crashing around not getting anything done most days.
Which is really why I decided to live alone.
So where do I draw the line on what is personal vs. professional? It seems that reality would require recognizing that our feelings, the way we see and experience things be called for when we are discussing things like how to find happiness.
Or at least that seems like a question that should be accessible to everyone, even if they aren’t playing on this level.
Ethically, I think all that I can do, is be a gracious hostess. Demanding the best you have to offer. Typically good for the best coffee in this city, on my good days.
Fresh ground, French press, everyday, like it’s my job when I am chasing sunrises. Because anything worth doing is worth doing right. I take some comfort in the rituals behind my addictions.