Obscure XI — Shining a spotlight on the unsung premier league heroes of the 2000's

harry nicklin
Nov 2 · 9 min read
Photo of Robbie Savage, captain of the 07/08 Derby County side that still hold the record for the least points ever recorded in a premier league season (11 points)

We're now 10 fixtures into the 2019/2020 Premier League campaign, and this season has been a bit different. For the first season ever, VAR (video assistant referee) is being used in the premier league, and the results so far have been inconsistent, confusing, and unconvincing.

In this article, rather than rant about the flawed introduction of VAR to the premier league, I will embark on a journey through the past. Looking back at the glorious, pre-VAR days of the premier league, I reminisce about some of my favourite characters of a bygone premier league era. Whether for their notorious hairstyles, silky skills, memorable moments or outrageous behaviour, these players will always have a special place in my heart.

Allow me to introduce my obscure premier league squad, complete with 7 substitutes and a manager.


Goalkeeper: Jussi Jääskeläinen

With 436 premier league appearances and 108 clean sheets to his name, Jääskeläinen was a true stalwart between the sticks. The Finnish international spent most of his time in goal for Bolton, followed by a stint at West Ham. He's best remembered for his role in Bolton's renaissance in the early 2000’s — consistently clawing the ball to safety and helping Bolton attain impressive consecutive top-8 finishes from 2003–2007 under the stewardship of 'Big Sam' Allardyce.

Years active in the premier league: 1997-1998, 2000–2012 (Bolton), 2012–2015 (West Ham)

Fact about Jussi: Jääskeläinen has the lowest clean sheet percentage (24.7%) out of all goalkeepers with at least 100 clean sheets in the premier league — probably because the majority of his career was spent at Bolton.


Left Back: Paul Konchesky

A premier league journeyman who represented 6 clubs (including loans) during his premier league career. Paul most notably featured for Charlton, West Ham Fulham, and Liverpool, shining brightly in Fulham's epic run to the UEFA Cup final in 2009–10. Konchesky is best known for scoring an accidental screamer when his attempted cross sailed into the top corner for West Ham in their thrilling 2006 FA Cup final defeat to Liverpool. He also scored a proper goal of the season contender from about 40 yards against West Ham during his heady Fulham days in 2009.

Years active in premier league: 2000–2005 (Charlton — 2003–2004 on loan at Tottenham), 2005–2007 (West Ham), 2007–2010 (Fulham), 2010–2011 (Liverpool), 2014–2015 (Leicester)

Fact about Paul: He was contracted to Leicester FC, but out on loan at QPR, during Leicester's unbelievable premier league title winning campaign in 2015/16.


Centre back: Fabricio Coloccini (vice captain)

© Getty Images

Best remembered for his wonderful curly hair, Coloccini was a mainstay of the Newcastle sides of the late 00’s. Under the tutelage of Joe Kinnear, Chris Houghton, and Alan Pardew, Coloccini constantly marshalled the back line. The grizzly Argentine lines up in this team for his leadership qualities and of course his fine free-flowing hair — if stood side-by-side, Coloccini would make David Luiz look like Wayne Rooney.

Years active in the premier league: 2008–2009, 2010–2016 (Newcastle)

Fact about Fabricio: At the ripe old age of 37, he still plays professionally for San Lorenzo in native Argentina.


Centre back: Christopher Samba

The Congolese giant served his time at Blackburn Rovers, amassing 161 league appearances and 16 goals. I remember Samba as a towering defensive powerhouse and backbone of the successful Blackburn sides of the mid-late 00’s. He was dominant in the air, winning just over 70% of his aerial battles in the premier league — a higher percentage than monsters like John Terry and Joleon Lescott, and only slightly less than Virgil van Dijk (74%). Samba makes the team for his strength, set-piece threat, and overall ability to instil fear in the opponent.

Years active in the premier league: 2007–2012 (Blackburn)

Fact about Christopher: During Big Sam's time in charge at Blackburn, Samba would sometimes be thrown in as a centre forward. This should come as no surprise considering Big Sam's trademark hoof it up style of football and the aerial prowess of Christopher Samba.


Right back: Tony Hibbert

Tony Hibbert spent his entire professional career playing for Everton FC, earning him legendary status in the blue half of Merseyside. Remembered as a solid right-back and selfless soul on the football pitch, Hibbert is the type of player that should be cherished by all. Throughout his career, Hibbert was a beacon of professionalism, displaying the kind of impeccable character, level-headedness, and die-hard loyalty that you just don't see in the premier league anymore.

Years active in the premier league: 2000–2016 (Everton)

Fact about Tony: Despite racking up 265 premier league appearances for Everton, Tony didn't score a single goal. Fittingly, he scored a rasping free-kick against AEK Athens in his testimonial match— sparking a pitch invasion.


Left midfield: Steed Malbranque

The little Belgian spent a decade in the premier league, operating across the midfields of Fulham, Tottenham, and Sunderland. Steed is remembered for having the skills, intelligence, and work ethic to seamlessly fit into teams in both the upper and lower echelons of the premier league. Plus, I always thought he had a cool name. And, of course, who could forget his calamitous own goal against Sevilla in the 2006 UEFA Cup quarterfinal — shown in the very beginning of the video below.

Years active in the premier league: 2001–2006 (Fulham), 2006–2008 (Tottenham), 2008–2011 (Sunderland)

Fact about Steed: He's Belgium-born but opted to represent France at youth level. He's been called up to the senior squad before, but never capped.


Centre midfield: Tugay (captain)

An integral and much-loved part of the Blackburn squad in the 00’s, Tugay Kerimoğlu was a class act in the middle of the pitch. A fine distributor of the ball and reader of the game, Tugay oozed experience and composure every time he touched the ball. Along with displaying constant quality in possession, the wise old Turkish master scored some sensational long-range volleys during his 9 year spell in the premier league.

Years active in the premier league: 2001–2009 (Blackburn)

Fact about Tugay: He is something of a renaissance man, known off the pitch for his abilities as a motorist and chef.


Centre midfield: Paul Scharner

One of the most outlandish characters in my memory of the premier league, the Austrian legend served his time battling relegation for Wigan and West Brom. He was vital for Wigan, operating in every outfield position except left back in his career there, and scoring the goal to save them from relegation in 2008. He also led the Latics to FA Cup glory upon his return on loan in 2013. Known as a difficult man and once described as "a weirdo" by West Brom's James Morrison, the eccentric Paul Scharner could always be counted on to entertain.

Years active in the premier league: 2006–2010 (Wigan), 2010–2012 (West Brom), 2013 (Wigan — on loan from Hamburger SV)

Fact about Paul: He scored the only Wigan goal when they were thrashed 9–1 by Tottenham in 2009. It was the most one-sided result I'd seen, until recently when Southampton were demolished 0–9 by Leicester.


Right midfield: Geremi

The versatile Cameroonian slots in as my right midfielder and free-kick taker. During his time in the premier league, Geremi racked up 147 appearances for Middlesbrough, Jose Mourinho's Chelsea, and Big Sam's Newcastle. A true team player and set-piece wizard, Geremi brings balance to the team.

Years active in the premier league: 2002–2003 (on loan at Middlesbrough), 2003–2007 (Chelsea), 2007–2009 (Newcastle)

Fact about Geremi: In 2000, he was nominated for the Ballon D'or award while he played for Real Madrid.


Striker: El-Hadji Diouf

The scowling, spitting Senegal international managed only 28 goals in 243 premier league appearances for Liverpool, Bolton, Sunderland, and Blackburn. Diouf infamously embarked on a remarkable 34 game goal drought in the 2003/2004 season, before being shipped off to Bolton where he didn't do much better. Throughout his career, he was notorious for spitting on players and fans, as well as the odd nightclub brawl. Unsurprisingly, his chronic gobbing earned him persistent fines, bans, and widespread condemnation in the football world. Universally disliked and known for his poor attitude and questionable antics, Diouf brings an element of flair and unpredictability to this squad.

Years active in the premier league: 2002–2004 (Liverpool), 2004–2008 (Bolton), 2008–2009 (Sunderland), 2009–2011 (Blackburn)

Fact about El-Hadji: Diouf amassed 55 yellow cards in his premier league career —nearly double his goal tally.


Striker: Mark Viduka

The burly Australian spent a good 10 seasons in the premier league, split between Leeds, Middlesbrough, and Newcastle. During this time, Viduka proved himself a lethal finisher with 92 premier league goals in 240 matches. Despite not liking to run, Dukes was a big man with quick feet and always a reliable presence up front. He notably scored all 4 goals for Leeds in their 4–3 victory over Liverpool in 2000, and later spearheaded Middlesbrough's impressive run to the UEFA Cup final in 2006. Not long after, he became Big Sam's first signing at Newcastle — the sign of a great player — and went on to form a formidable partnership with Obafemi Martins. Unfortunately, his spell in the premier league ended bitterly with Newcastle's relegation in 2009.

Years active in the premier league: 2000–2004 (Leeds United), 2004–2007 (Middlesbrough), 2007–2009 (Newcastle)

Fact about Mark: As of October 2019, Viduka ranks 33rd on the list of all-time premier league goalscorers, ahead of heavyweights like Ruud van Nistelrooy, Dennis Bergkamp, and Carlos Tevez.


Manager: Alan Pardew

Pardew had his ups and downs as a manager — going from Manager of the Season with Newcastle in 2011 to a punchline in the football community during his miserable spell at West Brom. He's served many clubs, but his career highlights must be his run to the 2006 FA Cup final with West Ham and his time at Newcastle before 2014. I remember him best as a feisty character on the touchline. Whether he was badly dancing, verbally abusing managers, pushing referees, or headbutting players, watching Pardew was never a dull affair. Unfortunately, his managerial career seems to have flamed out since he haunted West Brom to 3 wins in 21 matches and was sacked shortly before relegation in 2018. A long-time member of the manager merry-go-round who lived the highs and lows with some mediocre premier league clubs, Pardew is a natural choice to manage this squad.

Years active in the premier league: 2005–2006 (West Ham), 2006–2007 (Charlton), 2010–2014 (Newcastle), 2015–2016 (Crystal Palace), 2017–2018 (West Brom)

Fact about Alan: He's the only English manager to win both the Premier League and the League Managers Association Manager of the Season awards in the same season.


Substitutes: Manuel Almunia, Ivan Campo, Jermaine Pennant, Jimmy Bullard, Gabby Agbonlahor, Sylvain Distin, Rory Delap

Honourable mentions: Richard Dunne, Mario Melchiot, Peter Odemwingie

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