Say it Like You Mean it — Tips on How to Get a Second Date

It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

Written by Wekaw — Your Relationship Advisor

How many times have our parents told us, “it’s not what you say but how you say it”? How many times did the tone of our voice get us in trouble? Well, apparently our parents were on to something!

A study conducted by Stanford’s Institute for Research in the Social Sciences, suggested that how we engage and communicate with the person across from the table from us matters just as much as what we’re saying about ourselves.


Through their analysis of almost 1,000 speed-dating interactions, Stanford was able to pinpoint some things that seemed to influence both men and women on whether they ‘clicked’ with someone. Oh, did I mention that each round was only 4 minutes? If there are social cues that help us click with someone in only 4-minutes, I would definitely be taking notes!

1. Use Appreciative Language!

By appreciate language I mean things like “wow, that’s cool”, “good for you” or something even like “that must be tough for you”. These phrases aren’t really necessary to keep the conversation going, so you may forget to say them every now and then! Just remember, your date wants to know that you are engaged, listening, and trying to connect with what they are saying!

2. Interrupt them!

Yep, you read that correctly! Don’t cut off your date or take the conversation in another direction. But if the conversation naturally allows it, try and show them that your listening and following along with what they’re saying. This means finishing their sentences or adding to it! You just want to show that your engaged, excited, entertained by what they have to say, or you may even identify with them! Remember, it’s all about the connection that you’re trying to build with them and that isn’t always dependent on the topics of the conversation!

At the end of the night, your date wants to walk away feeling like they had a conversation with someone that was excited to hear what they had to say and engaged in the conversation. Sometimes all that takes is a couple encouraging words and cues that show you all are on the same page!