After preparing a halftime martini consisting of 3 parts Vodka, 3 parts Clorox Bleach (shaken, never stirred), I began to accept the fact that the 2023 Giants would amount to nothing more than my weekly dose of humiliation and pain.
Being embarrassed by a contender is one thing. Getting absolutely molly-whopped by the literal punching bag of the league is an especially cruel nightmare that I wasn’t positive I’d ever wake up from.
The first half featured a Josh Dobbs led offense marching up and down the field at will (please, read that again). Wink Martindale’s “pressure oriented” scheme failed to generate any semblance of pass rush, as the journeyman QB sat in clean pockets and diced up the Giants’ pathetic excuse of a defense drive after drive.
As it turns out, rushing 4 while everyone in the secondary passes off zone responsibilities like a bunch of corrupt politicians isn’t too effective. The only “stop” of the first half came off of Dobbs overthrowing a wide open TD to Zach Ertz, followed by a rare Matt Prater missed FG.
Not to be mistaken with prime Adrian Peterson — James Conner emasculated no less than 3 defenders every time he touched the ball. Conner exposed the Giants rushing defense so badly, that Dobbs himself decided to cap off a 7 play, 80 yard drive with a 23 yard scamper — featuring a truck stick that left Xavier McKinney feebly clawing for ball with his ATV mangled paw.
I truly can’t describe the feeling of having an animated “NoHo Hank” in Arizona Cardinals gear pop up on my TV screen. Levity was nowhere to be found as I sat in disbelief knowing that the New York Giants were the worst team in the NFL.
Then, the second half happened.
After being shut out for six quarters, it was apparent the league had caught up to Mike Kafka’s quick passing, RPO, bullshit that fooled 10 much dumber teams a year ago. Both Dallas and Arizona simply covered the quick-hitting, underneath option and before a second read could be made, DJ was drilled thanks to the well-documented, piss-poor offensive line.
So what did Brian Daboll do? How about take over the play calling responsibilities (I don’t give a shit if he denied it) and dial up a deep shot to Jalin Hyatt on the first fucking play of the half. The rookie 3rd-rounder took the top off like a spring breaker on ecstasy.
2 plays later, the Giants scored their first points of the season on a 14 yard run by Daniel Jones. While the TD drive provided some much needed relief, I was still watching Caleb Williams highlights on my phone as the Cards answered to go up 28–7 with 3:28 to go in the 3rd.
What happened next is something I’m still struggling to comprehend. For the first time in nearly a decade, the New York Giants became an explosive, downfield, passing offense.
Season after season of dink and dunk, 2 yard runs, and sacks were erased from memory as I witnessed Daniel Jones deliver absolute seams for the next hour and change. Waller, Slayton, Hodgins, and of course Barkley were all featured and each made crucial plays to mount the greatest comeback in franchise history.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. All these years of adding “playmakers” and blaming offensive line woes as the reason we can’t stretch the field like the rest of the league was thrown in the fucking garbage, as Jones fired balls on target, and his receivers made seemingly every play.
Perhaps the craziest thing about the comeback were the names and resumes of the offensive lineman. With Andrew Thomas out, the likes of Josh Eozeudu (1st start at LT), John Michael Schmitz (2nd Career Start), Marcus McKethan (1st NFL Snaps), and Evan Neal (Perennial Disaster) protected well enough up front, to allow DJ to lead 4 consecutive touchdown drives, followed by the eventual game winning field goal.
Listen, I am well aware this was against the tanking Arizona Cardinals and not a true representation of our offense. But this sort of comeback doesn’t happen by total accident. The team and coaching staff saw first hand that taking deeper shots and letting Hyatt and Slayton stretch the field can work, even with a weaker offensive line.
Your slants, quick outs, and run game should absolutely still be a part of the game plan. But threatening teams vertically will only open those plays up and keep opposing defenses honest. Now just pray to whatever god you don’t believe in that the Giants build on this and continue to develop the next phase of the passing attack (Please baby Allah, more Hyatt).
Final shout out goes to the fans that made the trek out to that disgusting desert/wasteland of a state. Despite having absolutely nothing to cheer for 6 quarters into the year, once provided with the first sign of life (opening TD drive of the 3rd) the place was rocking on every Cardinals third down. Its a cliché to say “it felt like a home game” but that was truly the vibe I got from the broadcast so hats off to you all (except the criminal, loan shark, LPG).
So where do the New York Giants stand after the most roller coaster 1–1 start imaginable? Are we Super Bowl contenders? Or was Sunday just Jonathan Gannon pissing down his leg (again)? The only correct answer is somewhere safely in between.
0 turnovers and 0 sacks is a massive red flag 2 games in. We’re not good enough offensively (yet) to keep up with teams that are scoring every time time they have the ball. While literally hitting rock bottom (60–0 point differential) and coming back against a shit team serves as a great confidence boost, I really want to see some signs that this can translate over into a game I admittedly give the Giants little to no chance to win this Thursday.
A massive emphasis will be placed on the passing game, as Big Blue will be without Saquon for 3 weeks following an ankle sprain suffered late in the 4th. But this San Francisco game serves as a true opportunity to prove to the league that the Giants are not the same team that got dog-walked by Dallas and Arizona for 6 quarters, and more similar to the one that rattled off a 31–8 run to save the season.
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