The Complete Story of Ethereum so far
Vitalik: Bitcoin is nice but I have a dream of building a decentralized smart contract platform. I will create something called Ethereum. A world where code is law, wouldn’t that be perfect? I will need a few million funding in Bitcoin and on top of that I will create a 12 million Ether premine on a total of 72 million Ether, lol.
Ethereum investors: Of course lord Vitalik, are you sure that’s enough for you to dump on us and the Bitcoiners?
Vitalik: Yes, that will do…. for now…
Vitalik: We dumped all Bitcoin at the bottom and it will take us a few months longer.
Ethereum investors: Oh lord Vitalik, don’t worry we believe in you. Take your time, so everything will be bugfree (oops).
Vitalik: So we’ve finshed and Ethereum is ready to launch!
Ethereum investors: Woohoo, finally!
Vitalik: Yeah.. the thing is that we won’t have a working windows wallet with GUI. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Ethereum investors: What?? But it’s ok Lord Vitalik, if you say it’s fine, it’s fine for us.
Vitalik: Oops, my bad, but yeah it’s fine…. lol
Bitcoiners: LOL, millions in funding and no proper wallet.
The PR push:
Ethereum Foundation: We have set up a PR company called ConsenSys. They are very professional and they’re going to help us get the word out about Ethereum.
Ethereum Investors: Great! But how are we going to compete with Bitcoin?
Ethereum foundation: In every single interview/article we do or release, we will trashtalk Bitcoin. We will bribe Mike Hearn to say release a statement about how sucky Bitcoin is.
Ethereum Investors: Wow you guys are genius! Even though we have an inferior product, if we keep telling everyone it’s better, in the end everyone will want it, Apple tactics 101.
Ethereum foundation: Exactly and Mike Hearn is perfect for it, even though his contributions to Bitcoin are so tiny, newspapers don’t know that lol. Mike Hearn is just in it for the money anyway.
Stephan Tual: Hey guys, I got this great idea for a company. It allows you to lock and unlock stuff through the blockchain.
Ethereum Investors: Ok… but what’s the point?
Stephan Tual: But you guys, see the future, it’s like Uber or Airbnb for locks.
Ethereum Investors: Wow, I love it, this is the future, here take all our money!
Stephan Tual: No, wait, let us code and set up a company through a smart contract, that way if something goes wrong (lol) noone can sue us for fucking up. We will also use the Ethereum foundation and PR machine to push this lock company!
Ethereum Foundation: We endorse this, we checked the code and look we’re even buying DAO ourselves, this is awesome, what could go wrong?
Gavin Wood: Yeah… No thanks, I’m resigning as curator, good luck though.
Ethereum Foundation: ROFL, what a noob.
Stephan Tual: I will sue you! Fudder!
Stephan Tual: Your funds are perfectly fine, the “exploit” that they found is not relevant to the DAO lol, what do you think I’m a noob or something? We did a $100k security audit, ok it ended up being around 100 words but it was worth it. And it said it’s fine.
3 days later
Griff: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK, WTF IS HAPPENING AAAAAAH!!! DON’T PANIC GUYS BUT SOMEONE IS DRAINING THE DAO!!!
Vitalik to all exchanges: FUCK,! Cancel all trading! Let’s hard fork!
Exchanges: What a shitcoin, no we won’t stop trading.
Vitalik: *crying* Please!
Ethereum Foundation member talking to himself: Lol, noone suspecting a thing. Money, money money!
Ethereum foundation: Yes, many of us invested in the DAO, but I promise that there is no conflict of interest. Also code is no longer law, even though it says so on the DAO website, but obviously this doesn’t apply when we fuck up. Only when other people fuck up.
Bitcoiners: Yep, as expected lol.
Emin Gün Sirer: I told you this would happen, but don’t worry in my odd vision of reality it’s fine. Ethereum is fine.
The Hard Fork:
Vitalik: Ok this is going to be very fast and easy. We just blacklist the child DAO’s, we white hat drain the rest of the funds, we create a new contract that only allows to withdraw ETH.
Stephan Tual: And report to me everyone who doesn’t agree with the Hard Fork, I’ll hunt them all down!
Ethereum Investors: Ok…. what happens with the extra Ethereum some investors paid for the DAO and what happens with the child DAO’s that already split before and after the hack?
Ethereum Foundation: Don’t worry guys, we will handle it.
Vitalik: You mean we keep it all for ourselves right?
Ethereum foundation: D’uh!
Vitalik: Good because we’re kind of running out of Ethereum to dump. Only 1.1 million left from the 12 million premine and that less than a year after launch lol.
Ethereum foundation: Sick parties though.
Vitalik: Indeed. Dear community, this is not a bail out, we will let you vote with your Ethereum on a website that noone even knows that exists and we will also check with the miners!
Vitalik to Ethereum Foundation members: This should be pretty easy lol, everyone’s Ethereum is locked in that DAO anyway HAHAHA. And yeah we’ll have one of us vote pro hard fork and that’s it.
3 days before the hard fork:
Vitalik: Dear community, it seems that we have consensus! Even though almost noone voted, well 1 guy had 25% of all pro HF votes lol, and the miners barely voted we can conclude that this is overwhelming consensus! Make sure everyone updates their clients, 3 days should be plenty!
Exchanges: Fucking shitcoin, giving us 3 day warning wtf? And what if the coin splits in 2?
Ethereum foundation: Don’t worry about it, that won’t happen, it will be maximum a few hours until that network dies and don’t worry about the coins on the other network, noone will want them.
Tristan from Poloniex to other exchanges: Maybe we should split them anyway just to be sure. We’ve got a pretty basic contract set up to do it and we can share it.
Philip from Bitfinex: Fucking incompetent bastards, I hate this shitcoin, I regret adding it.
Day of the Hard Fork, 5 minutes after the hard fork:
Ethereum Foundation: Success, we did it! Woohoo champagne!
Stephan Tual: Woohoo, now maybe i won’t get sued for totally fucking up 150 million dollars!
Brian Armstrong: See, see see! That’s how easy a hard fork is!
Ethereum Classic: Hi, we’re not dead yet
Ethereum Foundation: Lol, STFU noob.
Ethereum Classic: We are classic and we have exactly the same code as Ethereum, except we have immutability and we have principles! Our blocks are coming in at normal speed and people start trading more OTC on bitcointalk and other forums. Maybe some day we’ll be added to an exchange.
WhalePanda: Immutability has value, I’m going to mine it with some miners from miningrentals.
The next morning:
Tristan from Poloniex: The Ethereum Foundation told us that the tokens on the other blockchain would be worthless and we see a lot of trading going on. They also said that the other blockchain would die in a few hours. Fuck those liars, lets list Ethereum Classic.
Ethereum Foundation: LOL, Poloniex added Ethereum Classic, free money, lets dump hahahaha.
Ethereum Investors: LOL, Poloniex added Ethereum Classic, free money, lets dump hahahaha.
Ethereum Whales: This is going to be the easiest accumulation ever, everyone is dumping on the bottom.
A few hours later:
Ethereum Investors: WTF price is not going down, this is a scam! Fuck Poloniex! How dare they list it, even though I dumped myself and got free money out of it! Scammers!
Poloniex: Heh, this is going better than expected, nice volume.
Ethereum Whales: Accumulation, pump, shakeout, accumulation, pump, shakeout and repeat.
Ethtards: This is the top, no wait.. this is the top… no wait… This is the top… it will start dumping now any second, just wait and see… This is the top.
Bitcoiners: Interesting, a decent platform, with some bugs but without a dictator and plus immutability. Cool, going to buy some for fun.
WhalePanda: Lol and to think my mining cost was 0.0001 BTC per coin. Why didn’t I mine more?
a few days later:
Ethtards: This is the top…
Ethereum Foundation: Guys, they are pulling 3 times our volume, their hashrate is increasing, people are publicly supporting them. I think we have a problem. It seems we didn’t brainwash all the Ethereum investors well enough to just blindly support us.
Vitalik: Fuck, fuck, fuck when I told everyone this wouldn’t happen I was wrong, how will people take me seriously from now on? AND WHO LEAKED THE FOUNDATION CHATLOGS?!?!?
Coinbase: Errr Brian, I think we have a problem, our ETC is all gone.
Brian Armstrong: No problem, I’ll just say we don’t support it lol.
BTC-E: We lost all our ETC so we came to the conclusion that it’s a scam.
Emin Gün Sirer: This is fine, everything is fine, Ethereum is still better.
Barry Shillbert: Finally, Ethereum with immutability and some balls, I’ll have some of that!
Ethtards: This is the top…
And now we wait until they reach parity at around 0.01 BTC.
The End.. for now.