Underwhere?

I am much relieved to have found the missing pair of underpants.

I was wearing them.

Yes, yes, I know … but Life is especially demanding right now and even I have my limitations.

What underwear I put on today will determine what underwear is available to me tomorrow … and what underwear I put on tomorrow is, for various reasons, not insignificant as it currently happens. So, being distracted by a plethora of concerns … all of which needed to be resolved by tomorrow … tomorrow was, and still is, very much on my mind — it has been, you might say, the leitmotif of today — and it was, hence, very easy for my mind to wander from one subject to another … and another … and another … in the time it took me to regard my underwear before selecting which of it to wear today — because they all have tomorrow in common.

So, my mind went from underwear to dry-cleaners to barbers to … to … to … and, distracted, I simply put on the pair I had in my hand that I was going to put aside with my shirt, tie, tiepin, cufflinks … ooh, have I got any shoe-polish left?

I do have, as I said, an inordinate number of things clamouring for my attention today … so, cut me some slack, eh — even I must, eventually, suffer from cognitive overload at some point.

If it’s any … ‘consolation’ isn’t the word I’m looking for but my processing capacity is somewhat depleted right now, so it’ll have to do …

I once had a bit of a fetish for sunglasses — I had a pair for every occasion … in every colour imaginable … every frame type imaginable … some thirty pairs or more … so that I always had a pair that would coordinate with whatever look and colours I was wearing on any given occasion.

You know that phenomenon of people looking, panic-stricken, for their glasses, only to find them on their head … well I had a similar moment one day with regard to my sunglasses.

I looked everywhere for them — in my twenty-eight pockets … at least five times each … in the various bags I was carrying … at least eight times each … on the floor for about thirty metres around me … on the train tracks [1].

I even checked they weren’t on my head.

Finally, my companion turned to me and said “What have you lost?

My shades!” I replied, panicked.

He regarded me a moment before calmly intoning “They’re on your face.”

That’s right … the reason I couldn’t find them anywhere was because I was wearing them.

In mitigation, they were clear plastic and, therefore, easy to miss — simply a fashion statement and of no practical value whatsoever — so my vision was unimpaired and I was looking at the World in exactly the same colours, and equally illuminated, as if I weren’t wearing any sunglasses at all.

So, it truly is a relief to find that the underpants haven’t disappeared.

Not, you understand, because they haven’t disappeared … it would be distressing enough had they done so … but because it means the other pair weren’t a mysterious, extra pair that had appeared out of thin air after all — as you may be aware, the mysterious appearance of unaccountable underwear and/or socks might be due to clowns sneaking into our homes whilst we sleep …

N.B. the above entry has been updated and contains all new material … so it’s important to re-read it even if you’ve already seen it before — it might save the lives of you and/or your loved ones.

Anyway … the long and the short of it is that I found the underwear … and that’s a weight off my mind.

Of course the problem is that … having worn them today … I can’t now wear them tomorrow as I planned.

It’s a good job I have another two identical pairs, isn’t it?

[1] That’s a different story altogether — one that … for legal reasons … I probably shouldn’t discuss with anyone other than those involved in that particular escapade. [2]

[2] If even them. [3]

[3] Walls have ears. [4]

[4] Look … it’s no crazier an idea than that clowns use washing machines to travel the Multiverse and steal your teaspoons. [5]

[5] So, what are you quibbling about? [6]

[6] Sheesh!