Zone 3

Having paid close attention, you are ready for more advanced material.

As you know from your first Geography lesson, there is no such place as ‘outside London’.

Now you may be asking yourself “How can that be?”

If you look at the map below, you will notice that London consists of three zones — Zone 1, Zone 2 and Zone 3.

Clearly, the above map is not the whole picture.

Indeed it is merely a section of London … the central area.

Look at the map below.

Notice how everywhere outside Zone 1 and Zone 2 is the same colour. This is because Zone 3 consists of everywhere that is not in the other two zones. And that is because there is literally nowhere in the World that is not a part of London. Hence the expression ‘All roads lead to Rome’ — it is the reductio ad absurdam proof that there is no such thing as ‘outside London’ … no such place … because Rome is in Zone 3 and, therefore, in London.

“But what about the other zones we learned about?” those of you who paid attention cry. “There were nine zones indicated on the Tube map!”

As I said, the World consists of Zones 1, 2 and 3.

Zone 3 is the uncivilised bit that the vast majority of you inhabit — Africa, Australia, Eastbourne, Hartlepool … places like that.

Zones 4 and beyond are virtual zones … so that those of us in Zones 1 and 2 have an idea of just how much more uncivilised a given area is than another.

They’re not real — in Reality, there are only three zones.

The Tube map only goes as far as it does because no-one with any sense travels beyond that if they want any hope of coming back or being rescued. It’s physically possible to travel to places not shown on the Tube map, yes — as you have learned, there’s a lot more to London than just what’s on that map. [1] But it’s unnecessary and inadvisable — I heard a team of anthropologists made it as far as Watford, but they were never heard from again after that! Apart from the necessity of surveying and exploiting mineral resources … and harvesting food … there’s really no need for anyone to leave Zones 1 and 2, is there? Only the snobs amongst the denizens of Zone 3 think there actually are more than 3 — it makes them feel superior to think they live in a better part of it, so, they put others down by insinuating that with the suggestion that there are zones 4 to 9, thus elevating themselves, in their own minds, above others of their kind. [2]

[1] New York, Beijing, Moscow to name just three places.

[2] It’s really very sad … but you can understand why. Imagine the horror of their existence — I too would resort to escapism in those circumstances!

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