He dances like Elvis Costello.

He dresses like John Cooper Clarke.

I reached up to him, he reached down to me. It was the perfect cheek kiss on both our parts that happened by accident. His phone rang.

Sorry! It’s him again.

This time he kissed me firmly on the lips.

Love you.

I shouldered my bag & pushed open the glass door to leave the posh apartment complex lobby. I waited for a chance to cross the busy Downtown L.A. street before dashing across to find my car in the overpriced parking structure I had left it in the night before. It would be the first time I’d be driving to work from there, & I was going to be late. I was frustrated, & finding out that the price of my overnight stay was $20 didn’t help.

If someone told me a year & a half ago that this was what my life was to become, I might not’ve believed them. So much has happened in so short of an amount of time, & for someone who has remained stagnant in life for so long, well… It’s a lot to take in. Two months prior to this day I had quit a job that I had been at for a year, although it felt like a only brief moment in time. Three weeks prior to this day I had my first class at a new college. Then there was therapy. After over a year, I was still doing that. If I hadn’t been, that $20 might not’ve been such a big deal. Being crazy isn’t cheap.

I’ve always said I did it for him, but the reality is I did it because of him. For a few blissful weeks I thought I could keep it from him, that maybe this time it would be different. I thought my initial cynicism towards the film Silver Linings Playbook was misguided; maybe I wouldn’t have these horrible problems if I was with the right person. & at the beginning, while the dopamine in my brain was still surging strongly, I thought I might be right. But I wasn’t. Before I knew this for certain, I told him anyway. I told him I have borderline personality disorder.

December 9, 2015
New journal. Not sure if 27 is too old to be having a journal. I’m listening to “Angst in My Pants” by Sparks & taking small shots of absinthe on top of the Ativan I took a half hour ago. I’m insanely nervous at the moment. I met this guy on Tinder a couple weeks ago. I went out with him a few nights ago. I thought I had made a shitty first impression, but he asked me out again the next day. I can’t imagine why. He’s the best-looking man I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s British. He’s in a new wave band. He’s… perfect. I’m really trying not to get my hopes up. Tonight we’re going to see a Joy Division tribute band at the Continental Room. I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. Song change. “Spectrum is Green.” Please let this work out. Ugh. I’m the worst.