Forgive Me Father

Forgive me father
for I have sinned,
it’s been 10 years
since my last confession.

I have searched for you
in the darkest parts of me,
thinking you could be seen
in my shadows.

I cannot see you Dad,
I linger between
my inadequacies
and your abandonment.

Ashamed to say
you’re my father,
whilst longing
to be your daughter.

Mourning your
(non) existence
leaves me broken.

So instead,
I make peace
with your 
apparent departure.

You should know,
every birthday
I silently fall apart.

I wait for a phone call,
or a card,
that never arrives.

Yet still,
my heart 
hopes
You try.

You don’t.

Every fathers day,
I am reminded
you’re the missing piece
of me,
of my 
blood, Dad.

I hate that you’re somewhere
ignoring my existence.

I often wonder,
If you wonder
if I’m wondering
where you are?

What sort of coward
creates a life
only to abandon it?

I once loathed my Mother
for keeping you from me.

Until I met you,
sure as hell
she was right.

You entered my life
only to exit
just as quick.

Years of hope
only to see
nothing
but a
bullet
through
me.

What a joke,
do you remember — 
remember when you
said I was daddy’s little girl?

All I can taste now
is the shrapnel
of you.

The sting
from your
beautiful words
I let myself
believe.

That I…that I
wish were real.

But they’re falling
with every year,
with every
god damn tear.

So forgive me father
for I have sinned,
it’s been 10 years
since my last confession

10 years since
our last meeting.

I still wish
you were around to
at least watch me
bleed out.