All the Steven Seagal Movies I Have Seen: A Definitive Guide
ABOVE THE LAW: A great film. An artist emerges fully-formed.
HARD TO KILL: Hits the perfect sweet spot of 1) being a good action movie, and 2) having all the fun, dumb Seagal shit. One of the highest moments in cinema.
MARKED FOR DEATH: The one with the Jamaicans. tbqh I don’t remember this too well, but I know it’s a great film.
OUT FOR JUSTICE: Seagal does an Italian voice. John Flynn (ROLLING THUNDER) directed this, so it almost feels like a real movie.
UNDER SIEGE: Jones. Busey. Directed by Andrew Davis. Seagal is actually almost charming in this, but that’s mostly because he disappears for huge stretches. The Steven Seagal film for people who don’t like Steven Seagal films.
ON DEADLY GROUND: Seagal directs his most personal film. “What does it take to change the essence of a man?” A stone-cold masterpiece.
UNDER SIEGE 2: Bogosian power!
THE GLIMMER MAN: The era of Chubby Seagal begins. Seagal cracks wise and busts skulls with one of the Wayans brothers. A definite step down. Still a great film.
FIRE DOWN BELOW: End of an era. The last true Classic Seagal film. He wears some hilarious jackets in this one. Some preachy environmentalism stuff in this, and you get to hear Seagal play the blues.
HALF PAST DEAD: The last wide theatrical release to star Seagal. Has a little too much of that 2002-era BALLISTIC: ECKS VERSUS SEVER sheen. Doesn’t feel like a true Seagal film, but has its larfs. The era of Obese Seagal begins.
OUT FOR A KILL: Seagal plays an archaeologist who somehow gets jailed for a Chinese cocaine deal and vows revenge. There’s some random wire-fu in this. Feels like it was stitched together out of a couple of different, unfinished movies. One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Nonstop laughs, and easily my favourite film of the post-theatrical era.
SUBMERGED: Saw half of this and thought it was boring.
MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE: Just bought this on Blu-Ray, haven’t had a chance to watch. Sorry.
SHADOW MAN: Seagal huffs and puffs his way around one of those butt-ugly European cities where they shoot DTV action movies (Bucharest, maybe?). Imelda Staunton is in this. Line I remember: “It ain’t over ’til the wolf howls.”
URBAN JUSTICE: I didn’t finish this one. Eddie Griffin is the villain.
THE ONION MOVIE: A really bad sketch-comedy movie based on the venerable joke-news rag. Seagal plays “Cock Puncher.”
PISTOL WHIPPED: This opens with Seagal as an ex-hitman who has fallen into a spiral of alcoholism, but quickly turns into a generic mid-2000s Seagal DTV joint. Lance Henriksen is the villain. I’ve mostly forgotten this one tbqh.
KILL SWITCH: My main memory of this is the surprise ending where it’s revealed that Seagal had a secret family. Fun fact: I once interviewed a guy who worked in the camera department of this movie, and I asked him about Seagal as my icebreaker question. “Yeah… he really is a self-satisfied piece of shit.”
THE KEEPER: Seagal is a bodyguard for a businessman’s daughter. Lot of scenes of him flirting. I’ve almost completely forgotten this.
MACHETE: Seagal gives every bit as good a performance as Robert De Niro.
MAXIMUM CONVICTION: One of many DTV movies Seagal has made with non-visionary director Keoni Waxman. The big attraction here is that Seagal meets Stone Cold Steve Austin, but I don’t think they were actually on set together for most of their scenes. This is definitely more of a Stone Cold joint than a Seagal vehicle. The era of Seagal Isn’t Really Even In These Movies Anymore begins.
VIOLENCE OF ACTION: This is a few episodes of Seagal’s TV show True Justice stitched together. At my surprise birthday party a few years ago, they told me I could pick anything I wanted on Netflix to watch, so I picked this. It ends with Seagal saying, “It takes a ghost to kill a ghost… and I’m a ghost.”
FORCE OF EXECUTION: Seagal begins his late-career experimentation with playing antiheros — in this case, a mob boss. Danny Trejo is in it. I tried watching this on Netflix with a pal and we made it halfway. Director Keoni Waxman is a cultural terrorist.
SNIPER: SPECIAL OPS: Seagal mostly stays sitting for this one.
THE PERFECT WEAPON: Set in a dystopian future, Seagal plays a Big Brother-like ruler. He mostly stays seated for this one too, and has maybe 10 minutes of screentime. Highlight: Seagal teaches a woman how to give a massage.
CODE OF HONOR: Always a political filmmaker, Seagal has by now drifted firmly to the right. This is a Death Wish-type vigilante thriller with Seagal as an ex-soldier who seeks to rid America’s cities of their degenerates. He’s not really in this one very much either, but it’s still the most I’ve enjoyed a Seagal vehicle in years.
