Perspective Lost — Day 1 of many
Poker has lead to my best and worst. Isn’t that the best though? I play poker for a “living” and the experiences it has given me — the highs and lows; all of it has given perspective even if temporary. My expectations of myself remain.
The idea is this — I often write about life and love and all things in between — mostly how I think it should be and how I’ve screwed it all up over and over again. But I never put it out there. I never really put myself out there (Willummm for small bits but that shit ain’t shit but hubris comedy).
So I am traveling a lot lately, lost a lot of money lately, screwed right up my goals and intentions, and haven’t stopped or slowed to regain or maintain perspective. That shit disappears quick — faster than a beer on a hot day when I drink 2–3. I never release but only hide hide hide. So now I am close to broke (might as well be) with barely any employable skills/history. I am forcing my perspective and pushing myself to release it in attempt to move forward.
2 hours — 2 bottles of wine
Then we publish.
The timer started as soon as I typed the headline but I gotta hurry on the wine. Only 1/2 a glass accomplished in 6 minutes.
Without the alcohol and even with it I am often torn with analysis — torn with fear of failure, fear of success.
I’m unsure if the spiral is up or down or everything. I am certainly used to failure as its part of my employment description for a while now. Poker is a brutal game, some luck but I’d still contend a lot of skill. Even now after losing about 2 straight months. I think those months are my fault.
I think a lot of things are my fault. I want to be the very best that no one ever was. Seriously. I wanna fix the world. I expect myself to get there eventually, eventually,
eventually something will switch in me right
“like a toggle” though i’ve been told by someone I believe in that its more of a dimmer system — a paradigm shift (I swear I don’t normally use “ —” excessively its just medium is making me feel like its just a normal use of my writing style (stream of thought if you cant tell)).
a break in the stream — a break in concept. I sent messages to a few friends asking if they wanna do this editing review with 5minutes to do it after my timer runs up. Then I have 2minutes to make any changes. Kinda cheating but they will probably not respond anyways. Not just because I’m in Europe right now and they are in USA. Success — yall get Max.
a break in the stream — merely logistics — a huge weakness for me this year it seems and probably all in the past. I’ve always disliked that pretentious fool who said “failure to plan is planning to fail”. I blame someone else for me never learning that lesson cause I was obviously hating authority at that time in my life and it was my band teacher who kept using that phrase — we had a good mentality connection except he always used that phrase in context of me it felt. Maybe he thought I’d eventually learn — ha shows him I am way too stubborn.
Drinking update — 1hr36min left = hmm I just filled my glass and have maybe 2/3 left of one in first bottle. I guess I am on pace but am curious what 2bottles will look like for more than 10 minutes of the writing. Logisitics
That planning though — god it has cost me the life I wanted. The life I wanted since first realizing this perspective. A long time ago (6years lets be real) I was in Europe, just big cities really — ❤ parents and thank you privilege for enabling this. I have certainly been lucky in them and it has given me a confidence I firmly believe many don’t have even the option to consider. Always in my mind I knew they’d save me if I fell. I did earn about 1/2 of it through poker back then but I was still pretty scrubby. Even the ability to play though arose from the safety net, the crutch. I always felt they’d be there so it never worried me as much.
3min interruption to watch a video produced of a friends marriage I missed due to this trip
But I dont want to go broke, I dont want to go back, I dont want to take life casually, I dont want to be the worst of me
I expect the best of me but where when what the fuck is that
I feel like maybe its already gone
the best of me ha what the fuck was that
what could it be
I don’t think I need 2 hrs. 18 till first hr is over
sure the wine will take 2 hrs but holy shit this is a lot of writing
it might get dull or repetitive for you the reader
I want to establish perspective
it isnt just me or for me or you or for you
I want to be immediately relatable, I think we all can be. Seriously I see such a lack of perspective in the way people interact. Notice how I start so many sentences with myself as the perspective. I dont actually interact with people in such a way though
Max is apparently quite hungover
On pace sorta = 1hr = 1bottle
Such a break just to open wine
To stare at a timer — a deadline — to drink
this is probably the breaking point of the past
maybe I start including coffee? seems weak
maybe I need the nap
maybe I need the escape
But the idea is escape the escape
We are here
We are here
We got here on our decisions
We either listened or ignored
We either believed or dismissed
Who learns lessons on the first time
With perspective we can gain something of a glimmer of the future and we can adjust
but good luck on that
it is what my last 8 years have been based upon and but people cannot be summed so easily — and there is always luck because of that. We say luck
but reality is they have lived — there is always more depth to a person than we can assume
As much as evolution has created society it has also created significant barriers to its advancement. A better method of relation is necessary for us to move forward. A way to find sincerity and truth. Media will not accomplish this on its own. Media is consumed. Media is sold. Sincerity and truth is something to realize.
Yall get Jay instead. Max is hungover and thus doubtful of his performance.
I have 8 or so people I believe in for this stuff so don’t worry its not a huge list.
This is gonna be tough for 2hrs every day for ??? days until I decide I’ve gained the perspective to quit. 27minutes left before sending to “editors” for notes and I have 2/5 bottle and 1/5 small glass “un/una? khan-ya” as I think its pronounced here though I think typically as a reference to cold/notwarm/ondraft beer.
Inserting this because I think I ended on a great last 3 ‘paragraphs’ and dont want to interject. I quit early
I do kinda wanna end it on alcohol as it seems a fitting ending for the idea — for my future perspectives. A depressing perspective giver. No matter what you do if you drink enough you will be depressed and giving up on perspective.
But in staying consistent with hurbis
until I break out of inaction
until I break from a life of casual approach
perspective is lost