Heroin and that other (Her)-o-in

Kissed By An Angel

Today is Friday, November 18, 2016. While driving to Irvine from SD for work, my sponsor and I had another really good, deep phone conversation. It pretty much came out of nowhere. Just a random conversation, but in the end I ended up with some valuable info that I needed in my fucked up, confused mind. I’ve been clean now for 3 weeks. I stopped smoking heroin. But its that other heroin thats got me right now. The female heroin. Holy fuck, I just realized (Her)-o-in. She is my other drug. When I feel distant like things are not going well, I start to feel withdrawals and then when she comes around, I’m well again. For the past couple of years we were together, side by side in our addiction. The blind leading the blind, or better yet, partners in crime like Bonnie and Clyde. 
 
This was the subject of our discussion. Perfect timing by the way because this is my current hurdle with my “big” three weeks of sobriety. I’m not so concerned about my childhood and why I became addicted to drugs. I don’t feel like a victim or have any self pity. This is not the time for my life story, maybe another time, maybe not. My current challenge right now is my boredom and my withdrawals from her. I know its time to focus on my own issues, that’s what everyone is telling me. But its the time spent in my head or wondering what the hell is going on and whats going to happen to my partner in crime. The silence is deadly. The isolation is an addicts worse enemy.
 
Let me give everyone a real quick story, she was the catalyst of why I decided to get clean this time and the reason why this time I had a spiritual awakening. This last time was different then all the others. I have relapsed on pills a million times and heroin a good second place finish. Shit, I never tried to actually just stop heroin, I would just start taking more pills. Taking pills was my stoppage of heroin. This time, the guilt for getting her into this hell and taking her down this destructive path with me begin to manifest. Now, the thing is I don’t have regrets from this. I mean I kind of do because I always knew how shitty it would be for her to have to stop taking this shit and she didn’t know what it would feel like. I felt horrible for bringing her into it, but I don’t regret the experiences we had. The fun times we had and the sex we had while we were high. I’m grateful for all the epic times we had and I’m even grateful for all the painful and shitty times I had with her. My other Her-o-in that is. When her family discovered our big little lie, she was sent off to detox. The day after she got out of a week long detox session, I got her high. That shit broke me. For the first time I was able to step outside of myself and look at who I had become. In my addiction, I was the center of the universe. I was entirely wrapped up in my own spiritual sickness and I had the perfect partner to thrive in my little fucked up world I had created. We were the leaders of our own universe and protected by the bubble of the sickness within. This out of body experience and the fact I was hallucinating from not sleeping for three days due to all the meth I was smoking, alongside the heroin. The night of the 24th of October 2016 was the night I surrendered to the only person on earth who could keep me safe from myself, my mom.

Getting her high {my (Her)-o-in that is} on dope after her detox broke me. With a heavy heart I threw all of my drugs, a brand new gram of dark and white, still rolled up, all crisp in its bindle, right in the trashcan at a public area. I got rid of everything, my tooters, my foils, everything I used in my rituals for my destructive life blood. This time I knew it was different, I was ready and willing to unlock the fucking door I had kept bolted up and tear that shit off its hinges. I would put my addiction out in the open air, to anyone who I had been hiding it from.

Kissed By An Angel. That’s how I felt. My left wrist has her lips tattoo’d along with those words, Kissed By An Angel…. She is my angel and will forever be. I was finally able to step outside myself and see what I had become. A fucking heroin addict! I was finally able to realize this and get clean when nothing in this world ever could help me. 20 years of addiction.

Kissed By An Angel
Back to my convo with my friend. — ”Man, what the fuck should I do”, I asked him. “My boredom is killing me. My withdrawals from HER are killing me, when I let them. I go into these deep, dark places in my mind. Luckily its a very temporary feeling and I usually bounce back real quick, but this is my challenge to staying clean. I don’t have companionship to keep me company, she is working on herself and my selfish ways are always thinking of me. My boredom, my needs, not what she needs to help herself. I couldn’t think that maybe she is suffering as I am, in her own little hell”

My friend gave me the best advise. (It’s easier said then done), but here it is:

“Dude, you need to focus on yourself. If you work on yourself and continue the steps, life will only get better. Your only on the first three steps. And this shit can take a long time man. You need to get bored. That’s part of it. You need to be the person who can be stoked by himself, not just because your with someone else. You need to truly feel this way, not fake it, but really get to the emotional, spiritual state where you are content. This journey is your journey and no one else’s. You can’t go down this journey and bring someone with you this is your time to figure it out. Your going to come out of this a different person. Maybe she will be there, maybe she wont, but your feeling of content can not be based on that. And once you work the steps and your life begins to transform, then shit will change. Shit that you never thought of, things will begin to happen that are surprising. No one knows what this is, but anything worth having a good outcome takes work, hard work. Good shit is not handed out for just being or waiting for it. You have to work for it. And the work will be hard, it will suck really bad at times and there will be really fucked up emotional times along the way. But down the journey, your life will begin to take shape. And then, in your enlightened state, life will be good again. That shit is attractive. She will look at you as an example of strength and positivity. By leaving her alone, as hard as it is, is what needs to happen.”

I thought, Shit man, you are right. I fucking said similar shit to myself. I know that this is the right answer. I have even written some of the same thoughts down as if I’m writing to her telling her that I’m going to lead by example. Not try and fix anything, but just be, accept her and be an example of strength. That shit is harder then it sounds though because I want to do this, but then I find myself slipping (not in doing drugs, but in my own weakness). (And anyone reading this pretending that they don’t have any thoughts of being hurt or weak by girls, is fucking bullshit.) These feelings of weakness come in waves to me. My mind can go to these dark, demonic places, but then I snap back and I’m cool and confident again. 
 
This conversation was enlightening. It just helped me by hearing what I already knew and provided me with new ideas based on my friends past experiences. I”m like a sponge when it comes to knowledge and I like to soak that shit up. The progression of having someone before you. I am grateful that I have a sponsor who knows his shit and has good stories and examples to share. My journey in relationships moving forward is this: I have to be 100% content with my self first. I need to get my shit together and then I will be ready. Or I’ll end up like half of you fuckers, and you know who you are, pretending that shit is rad, complaining about your chick or your lives or drinking it all away. I know whats really up and my journey and mission, even before all of this sobriety shit, was to have a girl where there was no bullshit. Things were epic on a conscious and subconscious level. I don’t want to have a women who I can complain about, you know, like all the cliche bullshit that you hear all the time. My girl will be the one where its us against the world and all of you fucks can live in your lala land bullshit. That’s what I see in most of the people I know. Sorry if this is not winning me any friends, but the truth be told and nothing held back. Because I truly don’t give a fuck about who may read this or what anyone thinks. My shit is out there for anyone to see. I’m a drug addict and I’m on a mission of personal enlightenment. The world is rad and I’m going to get what I want out of it, without being drugged up and half asleep while doing it. There is a God or I would have been dead several times over and I feel very strongly about that.

I love my angel, my girl, if she is or isn’t my girl at the end of this then thats how it will be. But I’ve been kissed by an angel and now I’ve got an opportunity to make life epic again. I’m grateful for this and I thank God that I have this opportunity. Thanks to my friend for leading by example and being my friend and sponsor. Shit is about to get real, and I know things will get worse before they get better. I’m scared, confused, excited all at the same time. I don’t know what the outcome will be. But reading the book and listening to the stories of everyone who got there before me, I’m optimistic the outcome will be amazing and transformative. I know this in my heart. 
 
To my girl…

“I pray for you. I want you to find peace and happiness within. Your beautiful inside and out and I love you. No matter what happens, I wish you the best. And if I ever treat you shitty, its not how I feel. Its just me in a moment of weakness. You deserve a beautiful life and I know you will get it…..”