The Democratic Party is Acting Like an Emotional Abuser
I’m making my escape plan
The nice thing about being in an abusive relationship is that when you manage to get out—if you manage to get out—and if you do the work to understand the insidious, slow strangulation you just managed to get out of, then you recognize the pattern.
I recognize the pattern.
An emotionally abusive relationship starts like any loving relationship. Romance deepens into love. You share common goals. You plan your future together.
You have minor differences, niggling concerns, little arguments, but you overlook them because that’s what’s it’s like to be in relationship with another human. It’s muddy. It’s difficult. We hurt each other. We make up. We keep working on it. We put up with the short-term disagreements in favor of the common goal. We’re committed to the bigger picture.
Isn’t that all long-term relationships?
It’s only after things reach a breaking point and you get some distance that you see all the red flags you missed. You pinpoint where you overrode your gut. You understand how each disagreement where you conceded or agreed to disagree was another chiseling away at your best interests and sovereignty.
It’s around then that the self-abuse happens. Where did I go wrong? How did I allow this to happen? At what point did I lose myself? And why? But then you come to understand that that’s how it works.
I call it the Invisible Black Eye.
If someone were to walk up to you at the beginning of a relationship and punch you, you’d call the police and slap them with a restraining order. That’s what we’re taught abuse looks like. But it doesn’t. It starts with small things well after you’re in it, well after a loving foundation has been established. Little underminings of your self-worth that are explained away. It’s injury you can’t see, and therefore hard to prove.
Emotional abuse promotes a slow, imperceptible fading of the self.
It’s so gradual, you don’t know when regular, everyday hurts cross into unacceptable abuse. And it’s couched in the most logical terms, so you’re able to reason why things are the way they are. The emotional abuser is smart, rational, and yes, even nice, so they offer the reasoning for you. The logic makes sense.
So you override the vague sense in your gut that something is not right.
I’ve been in a long-term relationship with the Democratic Party ever since my first vote for Michael Dukakis. I’m not sure, but I may have had a short-lived affair with the Green Party and Ralph Nader, probably during my years in grad school at Berkeley. But I’ve been a registered Democrat my entire voting life. I’ve made the contributions. Put out the yard signs. Made the canvassing calls at precinct headquarters. Attended the events and fundraisers for local and national candidates. Argued with the Facebook trolls. Met with my representatives. I’ve, as they say, done the things.
But I have a palpable sense that something isn’t right.
The widest field of Democratic presidential candidates ever, many of whom I would have been thrilled to have represent me, has been whittled down to what I see as one feeble, white man with declining mental sharpness and a documented record of misogyny. To put it nicely.
Now, that candidate has a credible accusation of sexual assault against him. With growing evidence to support her allegations.
Yet the Democratic party wants me to believe that staying is in my best interests.
It wants me to believe that I have no other choice. That if I decide to leave, I’ll be sorry. Worse things will happen. It’ll be all my fault if Trump gets elected.
The Democratic Party is using the same tactics that an emotional abuser uses to gaslight, diminish my voice, and impose immense psychological pressure on me to stay.
Vote Blue No Matter Who has been the refrain everywhere I turn. As if I don't have a brain. Really? No matter who? The Democratic Party’s strategy is blind loyalty paired with perceived lack of options.
That response is eerily similar to the things an abuser says as soon as he gets wind of you even thinking about leaving.
You’re overreacting. You need to get over it. It’s not that big a deal. If you decide to leave, you’ll be sorry. The alternative is worse. You’ll hurt the kids. It’ll be your fault.
Gaslighting is one of those terms I became aware of even before it became a household word to describe the current Sex Offender in Chief. But in case you haven’t heard of it, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1–800–799–7233, 1–800–787–3224 TTY), “gaslighting is when your emotions, words, and experiences are twisted and used against you, causing you to question your reality.”
Here’s what my reality is telling me.
It was around the time I was coming home from the Peace Corps, that Anita Hill was being grilled by an all-male Senate Judiciary chaired by Joe Biden. I remember watching this poised, intelligent law professor make a credible claim of sexual harassment against Supreme Court nominee, Clarence Thomas, only to be dismissed and derided. If you haven’t seen the actual hearings, it’s worth taking a look at the highlights.
I can see how the hearings were a product of the times. I can also see how a person could grow and change from the experience. Since then, many of us have changed around what we accepted or thought was acceptable. But Biden has not taken responsibility for being part of the problem.
In his non-apology, Biden has said that, “I wish I could have done something,” and that he regrets that he “couldn’t get her the kind of hearing she deserved.” He falls short of accepting responsibility for his active role in discrediting her. In fact, he could have done something. As the committee chair, it was his job to do something. Anita Hill thinks so, too.
Since then, even as I proudly voted for the Obama/Biden ticket and celebrated their win, twice, Biden’s attitudes and behaviors toward women have been on full view. All I have to do is Google “Uncle Joe” or “Creepy Biden” to see, in compilation video after video, his history of inappropriateness with women and girls.
With my own eyes.
Is it a stretch to believe Tara Reade, the woman who has accused Biden of sexual assault? Not for me.
I see with my own eyes how Biden treated Anita Hill.
I see with my own eyes how he inappropriately touches women and girls.
I see with my own eyes how he tells girl after young girl, “No dates ’til you’re 30.”
I see with my own eyes how candidate Nevada Assemblywoman Lucy Flores describes his “big, slow kiss on the back of my head.”
I see with my own eyes Tara Reade make her credible accusation of Biden’s sexual assault.
And so, the Democratic Party wants me to believe this is the best person to represent me in government?
The Democratic Party wants me, a survivor, to believe my best choice is the lesser of the alleged rapists?
I recognize the pattern. Time to make my escape plan.
Oh, Jacki. You’re overreacting. You need to get over it. It’s not that big a deal. If you decide to leave, you’ll be sorry. The alternative is worse. You’ll hurt the kids. It’ll be your fault.
