Ruth Patrick Darlene of WomenSV Shares 5 Coercive Control Red Flags

Ruth Patrick Darlene is Founder and Executive Director of WomenSV (Women of Silicon Valley), a nonprofit dedicated to raising awareness about the often unseen and insidious forms of abuse known as coercive control and covert abuse.

These subtle forms of abuse can gradually escalate over time, making them difficult to detect until significant damage has been done. But with the right knowledge, you can identify these red flags early and protect yourself. In a recent video uploaded to the WomenSV YouTube Channel, Ruth Patrick Darlene shares 5 coercive control red flags that should never be ignored.

The Importance of Awareness

Coercive control involves patterns of behavior that seek to dominate, intimidate, and manipulate a partner. Unlike overt physical violence, this form of abuse is subtle, making it harder to recognize. Covert abuse operates similarly, relying on psychological manipulation and control rather than physical harm. Early detection of these behaviors is vital for anyone in a relationship to avoid long-term harm and distress.

Ruth Patrick Darlene emphasizes the necessity of education in domestic violence prevention. “When victims decide to leave, they face an incredibly challenging road ahead,” she says. “But with sufficient education, resources, and support, they can significantly increase their chances of breaking the cycle of abuse and creating a better life for themselves and their children.”

5 Coercive Control Red Flags

Ruth Patrick Darlene has identified five key signs that could indicate you’re in a relationship with a covert abuser or coercive controller. Watch out for these red flags:

1. Controlling Finances 🚩

One of the most common forms of coercive control is financial abuse. If your partner interrogates you about your spending, restricts your access to money, or makes you feel guilty for spending your own earnings, these are significant red flags. Financial control can leave you feeling dependent and trapped in the relationship.

Why Financial Control is Dangerous: Financial abuse not only undermines your autonomy but also creates a significant barrier to leaving the relationship. Without financial independence, the idea of escaping becomes daunting. Victims might stay longer in abusive relationships due to the fear of not being able to support themselves or their children. This type of control can manifest in various ways, including:

• Limiting access to bank accounts.
• Monitoring and controlling spending through joint accounts.
• Forcing the victim to ask for money.
• Accumulating debt in the victim’s name or coercing them into taking on debt.

2. Constant Communication 🚩

While frequent communication can initially seem like a sign of love and care, it can quickly turn into a tool for control. Is it love, or love bombing? If your partner bombards you with texts and calls throughout the day and becomes angry or upset if you don’t respond immediately, it’s a sign of controlling behavior. Healthy relationships respect personal boundaries and space.

The Fine Line Between Care and Control: Constant communication may start as a sweet gesture, but it can escalate into a method of surveillance and dominance. The abuser might:

• Insist on knowing your every move.
• Demand immediate responses to messages and calls.
• Use communication to guilt-trip or manipulate you.

Over time, this behavior can lead to isolation from friends and family as the victim becomes consumed with maintaining communication with the abuser, fearing the repercussions of delayed responses.

3. Stalking 🚩

Does your partner show up uninvited or demand to know your every move? Stalking behaviors, such as constantly monitoring your whereabouts or showing up unexpectedly, are serious signs of coercive control. This behavior is meant to intimidate and keep you under constant surveillance.

The Impact of Stalking: Stalking instills fear and erodes a victim’s sense of security. It can involve:

• Following the victim.
• Showing up at the victim’s workplace or social events unannounced.
• Using GPS or other technology to track the victim’s location.
• Demanding to know where the victim is and who they are with at all times.

This constant surveillance can lead to anxiety, stress, and a perpetual state of fear, making it hard for the victim to feel safe anywhere.

According to forensic psychologist Dr. Reid Meloy, stalking an intimate partner indicates a significant lethality risk.

4. Disrespecting Boundaries 🚩

When you set boundaries, does your partner respect them, or do they guilt-trip you into changing your mind? Ignoring your boundaries and making you feel bad for setting them is a tactic used to erode your sense of autonomy and control.

The Importance of Boundaries: Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and the understanding of personal boundaries. An abuser who disrespects your boundaries might:

• Dismiss your feelings or concerns.
• Push physical or emotional limits despite your protests.
• Use guilt or emotional manipulation to get their way.

This constant erosion of personal boundaries can lead to the victim feeling powerless and incapable of asserting their needs and desires.

5. Teasing and Negging 🚩

There’s a thin line between playful teasing and harmful negging. If your partner makes jokes at your expense, especially in public, and dismisses your discomfort by saying you’re too sensitive, it’s a form of covert abuse. This behavior is intended to undermine your self-esteem and confidence.

Recognizing Negging: Negging is a manipulative tactic where the abuser makes critical or undermining comments disguised as jokes to lower the victim’s self-esteem. Examples include:

• Making hurtful jokes about your appearance or abilities.
• Publicly embarrassing you and then dismissing your discomfort.
• Comparing you unfavorably to others.

Negging can cause significant psychological harm, leading to feelings of inadequacy and dependency on the abuser for validation.

Responding to Coercive Control

If you recognize any of these warning signs, it’s crucial to take action. Ruth Patrick Darlene suggests keeping a private journal to document these behaviors and any patterns you notice. This record can be invaluable if you decide to seek assistance.

Building a support system is also essential. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or domestic violence agencies. These resources can provide the support and guidance you need to navigate your situation safely.

Steps to Take:

• Document Everything: Keep detailed notes on incidents, including dates, times, and specific behaviors. This documentation can be vital in legal proceedings or when seeking help from professionals.
• Reach Out: Connect with friends, family, or support groups who understand your situation. Isolation is a key tactic used by abusers, so maintaining connections is crucial.
• Seek Professional Help: Therapists, counselors, and domestic violence advocates can provide the support and resources you need to make informed decisions.

Safety Planning for Survivors

Leaving an abusive relationship is a complex and often dangerous process. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV offer critical advice on safety planning:

• Confidentiality: Keep your plans and communications confidential. Abusers often monitor phone calls, emails, and social media.
• Emergency Contacts: Identify friends or family members you can trust and establish a safe word or signal that indicates you need immediate help.
• Financial Independence: Open a separate bank account if possible and start saving money. Financial independence is key to gaining freedom.
• Safe Place: Plan where you can go in an emergency. This could be a friend’s house, a shelter, or any safe location where your abuser cannot find you.

Detailed Safety Plan Steps:

1. Emergency Bag: Prepare a bag with essential items, including identification documents, cash, clothing, and important contact information. Keep this bag in a safe, accessible place.
2. Escape Routes: Identify multiple escape routes from your home and practice using them. Know where you can go in an emergency.
3. Children’s Safety: If you have children, teach them how to dial emergency numbers and create a code word for when they need to call for help. Create a plan to help your children feel safe and supported.
4. Technology Safety: Be cautious with your use of technology if you suspect technology-facilitated abuse. Change passwords frequently and consider using a safer device if you suspect your abuser monitors your online activities.
5. Support Network: Establish a support network of trusted friends and family who are aware of your situation and can provide immediate help if needed.

About Ruth Patrick Darlene

Ruth Patrick Darlene founded WomenSV over a decade ago, advocating for over 1500 women in the past 13 years. Her efforts have focused on raising awareness among both providers and the public, creating communities equipped to support survivors of covert abuse and coercive control. Her work has been instrumental in helping countless women recognize and escape abusive relationships.

Educational Outreach by WomenSV

WomenSV’s educational campaigns are extensive, utilizing various social media platforms such as Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and Pinterest.

These campaigns aim to provide critical information and resources, empowering individuals to recognize, address and overcome abuse in their lives. The organization’s efforts highlight the importance of community education in the fight against domestic violence.

Community Programs:

• Presentations and Trainings: WomenSV conducts presentations, interviews and trainings to educate the public and professionals about covert abuse and coercive control.
• Online Resources: The organization provides an online directory of resources, including articles, videos, and information designed to help individuals understand and respond to abuse.
• Support Groups: WomenSV shares information about support groups where survivors can share their experiences and receive peer support in a safe and confidential environment.

Additional Resources

For those seeking more information or assistance, the following resources can provide further support:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Available 24/7 at 1–800–799–7233 or via their website www.thehotline.org.
• WomenSV: Learn more about their programs and resources at www.womensv.org.
• Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence: Offers support groups and advocacy at https://www.nextdoorsolutions.org/.
• Loveisrespect: A project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline focused on young adults, available at www.loveisrespect.org.
• DomesticShelters.org: Provides domestic violence information and resources at https://www.domesticshelters.org/.

FAQs

Q: What is coercive control? A: Coercive control refers to a pattern of behavior intended to dominate, intimidate, and manipulate a partner, often without physical violence.

Q: How can I tell if I’m experiencing covert abuse? A: Covert abuse involves subtle psychological manipulation. Signs include financial control, constant communication, stalking, boundary disrespect, and teasing / negging / constant criticism.

Q: What should I do if I recognize these red flags in my relationship? A: Document the behaviors, build a support system, and visit WomenSV’s website for resources and guidance on safety planning.

Q: Why is education about coercive control important? A: Education helps individuals recognize early signs of abuse, which is crucial for taking steps to protect themselves and break free from harmful relationships.

Q: What does WomenSV do? A: WomenSV offers educational resources to help survivors and providers recognize and address covert abuse and coercive control.

Q: What should I include in a safety plan? A: For detailed information about safety planning, visit the Safety Planning section of WomenSV’s website.

Final Thoughts

Understanding and recognizing the red flags of coercive control and covert abuse is crucial for anyone in a relationship. Ruth Patrick Darlene and WomenSV are leading the charge in educating and supporting individuals who might be facing these challenges. By being informed and vigilant, you can protect yourself and help others do the same.

For more information and support, visit WomenSV and consider following their social media channels for ongoing educational content. Remember, recognizing the signs is the first step towards reclaiming your power and protecting your safety.