Writer’s Block XXXIII.
Overcoming Chaos & Conquering Fear.
So that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all week: focusing on the page rather than my inner picture. I haven’t been visualising; I’d forgotten what the source was; I threw my protocols to one side, fucking things up as an immediate result & only God knows how I expected to write whilst editing too. It’s too much for one mind… sad to say, even mine.
Over time, I think I’ve become quite bitter, having to halve my output because someone wants my attention; frustrated with entertaining unwelcome interruptions.
It’s sad, but true; reflected in my behaviours & how I treat my brothers in particular. I need to do better for them.
I feel as though I’ve been slacking all month – blaming everyone for their misgivings when I ought to demand more of myself. There’s so much I can’t change by complaining. But if I could just be a better me? I could do more…. or deal with things properly at least.
Still, things are improving. Even when they aren’t, I know I am. These ‘dips’ are a blessing because they provide lessons – reminders to be my best self, improving wherever possible rather than asking more of others. No one ever changed the world by starting with anyone but themselves…Not for the better anyway.
It’s funny I should say that though. It reminds me of a discussion I had with some friends yesterday about ‘fake intelligence’ – people echoing what they’ve read to appear intelligent, when really they’ve all the deductive skills of a parrot.
Is that the road I’m riding?
Am I abandoning critical thought?
Becoming that which I criticise?
Well, first things first, that’ll teach me not to criticise because I’m not better than anybody. I shouldn’t have to learn that lesson twice.
Secondly, I think the fear I’ve allowed into my life over the past week or so has cost me. A lot. Enough so that focus has become a struggle & optimum creative function feels… just beyond reach.
I haven’t been myself.
It’s difficult, not feeling inspired as often as I’m used to. And my only comfort is the little creative advice I’ve found online. Things like: ‘persist’, ‘remember your training’… Oh, and ‘imagine yourself writing’.
Although, that last one does work really well. It’s also pretty nice to visualise myself doing what I love as a reminder. The excitement alone is proof my union is a fated one, between craft & creator.
However, late last night, before plopping my head on my pillow to rest, a question came to me:
Do I only love writing in the good times? When things are easy & I’m consistently inspired?
Or, do I love it through the difficult moments too? When I’m frustrated and ideas are hard to come by?
Do I love it all? Through the diamonds gained & all the dirt involved?
That’s the real question isn’t it? One I’m eager to answer. Because I believe I love it; through the good and bad; the ups and downs. And knowing my ‘downs’ will one day be as good as my present ‘up’ is motivating… I can’t wait.
‘Till then? I’m writing through the blocks. Writing through the woes. Writing straight through my failures, all the way to my goals. I think I’m finally beyond my need for control; I’m challenging my fears, making the most of my role.
I’m on a journey to being the best ‘me’ I can possibly be.