Giving in to the beast

As my week of becoming Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde has just come to a close once again (PMS) I can go back to laughing about it.

I thought this would be a great opportunity to tell you a little about my history with PMS (aka horror week) and all the dumb shit I do when I’m emotionally unbalanced. As I’ve said, now that it’s not happening to me I can acknowledge how odd and funny it can be.

I first joined the ranks of womanhood around the age of 13… I think. This is something that every girl looks forward to until it actually happens and they realise that they are stuck like this for the next 40-ish years, a common lack of foresight.

I’m pretty sure I’ve had PMS since the beginning or close to that. Do you realise what this means?? If you haven’t read my other blog about PMS (yes, I know. Why does anyone need to write 2 blogs about PMS? Just go with it) let me sum it up for you… angry, sad and irrational. This lasts almost a week which means that almost a quarter of my year is spent becoming a psychopath. It’s flippin awesome!

In the past I’ve started unnecessary arguments, wanted to make big life decisions which ultimately are bad ideas and almost cried once when a date ate too much of my ice cream. One of my finest performances would definitely have to be the time I was on a weekend away with a church group. I was not open and honest about horror week back then so I couldn’t comfortably warn anyone, meanwhile, my best friend is not great at picking up on emotions or body language so this was already a recipe’ for disaster. While out on a bush walk everybody stopped to take a photo and for whatever reason, I wasn’t having it! I said no and refused to get in the photo, my friend (not reading the situation) laughed and literally tried to drag me into it. Poor thing, I eventually snapped and unleashed about a paragraphs worth of profanities at her before storming off on my own. Fortunately, as she was terrible with reading people, she didn’t really seem bothered by it… or even seem to notice. Unfortunately, I did this in front of all my friends, ministers and youth group leaders. Pretty sure most of the words I used were a big no no.

There was this one time I think back on frequently and I’m not sure if my PMS helped me or made things potentially more dangerous for me. This was many years ago…

I had gone up the coast to visit a friend for the weekend. This was somebody who loved to flirt with me but had serious commitment issues. I was not interested in dating them, I only wanted to be friends but as I had taken a 2 hour train ride to hang out with them, they assumed I must be in LOVE with them and thus began a really odd weekend. They picked me up from the train station and immediately began with… 
Him: “So I’m going to my friend’s place for dinner, you can come if you like. It’s up to you”
Me: “well, I don’t know anybody else up here and I came to hang out with you so yeah I’ll come along”

After an awkward dinner where he didn’t talk to me and I didn’t know anybody else we went back to his house with the addition of his new friend Steph. Although I was in the beginnings of PMS and a little pissed that my friend was being a jerk I’m actually stoked that he acted this way. See, his plan was to keep another person around (Steph) the entire time so that I didn’t have a chance to profess my undying love for him. What actually happened was that Steph and I became really good friends and the next time I took that 2 hour train ride it was to visit her, not him.

But at this point I didn’t know the outcome, so I was pissed. He did this ALL weekend, we didn’t really get to hang out and at the end of the weekend he dumped me at a train station in a dodgy town at 10pm at night and didn’t even wait to see if there was a train coming. I had to wait 40 minutes alone with PMS in full swing.

By the time I got on the train I wanted nothing more than to sit in my train carriage alone, headphones in and angry music blaring. I got my peace and quiet for about 10 minutes before a parade of douche bags walked in and sat in the seats surrounding mine. This is the part where I’m not sure if my PMS helped or hurt my situation. I’m sitting in a train carriage at nearly 11 O’clock at night with roughly 5 young drunk guys sitting around me, bloody perfect…

Normal me would probably be nervous or try to leave, PMS me was just annoyed that they were in MY space and it never crossed my mind that I could be in danger.

Let me just say now that nothing bad happened, I don’t know if my Mum ever reads any of these but I feel like she would hate to read about my stupidity and I think I’m a little old for the stranger danger talk. Anyway, sorry Mum, I’m smarter now.

So, sitting in my seat, headphones in, hood up and focusing with all my might on glaring out the window and ignoring the other people around me until one sits next to me and starts trying to talk. I took out 1 headphone and gave a 1 word answer then put it back in my ear. Giving every sign that I have no interest in talking to him and yet he persisted. He sat there attempting to flirt with me whilst simultaneously talking himself up and showing off for his mates. He started talking about his rock hard abs and in my favourite part of this conversation, he used the best/worst pickup line I have ever heard. Are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready.

Sitting there next to me he starts flexing his arms out a bit so they are touching my arms then he said something along the lines of…

“Oh watch out for the guns. I can them Des and Troy. DESTROY!”

… yep. So obviously all my clothing fell off and we had sex. It was great.

Seriously though… who says shit like that to girls and actually thinks it will get them somewhere?!?!

At this point in the conversation I got over it and let my dark side take over, I let the PMS speak for me.

Me: * Takes out both headphones * 
“Ok! Over the past 5 minutes you have told me about your abs and your guns, do you want to tell me how big your dick is now?!”

Him: “Like a baby holding an apple”

Me: “Fantastic, now that that’s done!” 
* Puts headphones back in *

I know it’s not smart to antagonise the group of guys as it could have ended very badly for me but I wasn’t in control. I was unleashing a whole weekends worth of bad times onto the jerk beside me and it felt amazing. The dark side can be very enticing when you jump in with both feet.

I spent the next 20 minutes making him look like an idiot in front of his friends and throwing every stupid pickup line back in his face whilst shutting him down in very harsh ways. Every month my body wants to turn me into this person but it had never been ok to do it, this was the first time I was able to say all the shitty things I wanted to and not worry about the person’s feelings. Besides, all he had to do was stop hitting on me and I would stop acting like a bitch.

Now that I’m a bit older I think back to this night and simultaneously laugh and cringe. This is the type of story that could have ended in many different ways and I am very lucky that in this case, the douche bags were harmless. Just kinda douchy.

Those guys should not have surrounded me, that guy should have read all my signs and left me alone and if I had been smarter I would have read the situation differently and gone to a different train carriage.

This time I was lucky but with no help from my PMS, I remained stubborn, oblivious and irrational.

Anyway, that’s me!

I talk about it a lot now because I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t change it (without drugs) so my best method of dealing with it is to make everybody else aware that it happens. It makes me feel more normal even though I’m acting crazy.

As I’ve said, I’m smarter now and over the years, through talking about my PMS, I have a much greater knowledge of how it works and when it’s happening. If a situation like this ever happened again I’d like to think I’d handle it much better than I did. Of course, it was still nice to let the monster inside me out to play for a night.

Happy end of PMS everyone! You all have roughly 3 weeks until we do it all again! Woo!

P.s If you read my blog about stress cleaning you would know I had an interview on Monday. Sadly, this fell through but that’s just how it goes unfortunately. I had prepared myself for this so I’m not cut up about it, instead I’m just trying to enjoy the mystery of what my next job/adventure will be.

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