Feelings Are Allowed?
What a silly thing it is that someone should have to tell me I’m allowed to feel. It was forbidden for so long, that eventually hiding emotions became a habit that just seeped itself into my entire life. Oh you’re sad? Better smile a little bigger so no one sees. Angry? Better tamp the lid down on that temper. Happy? Don’t let too much of it show or it’ll disappear.
But you know what happens when you cover up and shove these emotions down? Explosions. You become the girl that lashes out. The girl that screams and cries and raves like a lunatic, and everyone wonders why.
Then years later, someone says to you “You know you’re allowed to feel right?” And it’s like a brick right to the head. I am? But by then you’ve forgotten how. Telling someone you’re mad at them has suddenly become a lost art, and telling them you care ends up being a herculean act of courage.
Opening up almost kills you, but you start to, slowly, then gradually gaining momentum. And along the way there are days where you realize you’ve laid yourself as bare as you’ve ever dared to be and like a terrified turtle you jerk back into your shell, arms and legs flailing. The people around you don’t understand this part. They’re be confused, and wonder why yesterday you were talking openly and today you’re chewing them out for asking a simple question, but when you calm down you realize that these ‘freak outs’ are part of the process. You make slow progress, but progress is progress, slow or otherwise.
Then things are going to get really tricky. At some point, you’re going to get burned, again. And you’re going to want to be bitter. You are going to want to wrap yourself back up in that emotionless mask and stay lost in it forever. You’ll never want to trust someone with even the smallest piece of you, never want to allow even the tiniest glimpse into your head again… But the thing is, if you want to be truly alive, not just breathing, you have to. Once you realize it’s okay to feel, you can’t go back… You’ll try, but once you’ve let those wonderful, torturous emotions though a little bit, that mask isn’t going to fit right anymore. And thank God for that, we’re only given one life, who wants to go through it numb? So yeah, sometimes it’s going to sting, and it’s going to hurt, but those tiny little moments of pain are worth allowing yourself to feel the happiness, the ecstasy and the incredible joy that can be yours. And it’s going to be terrifying but no matter how scary it may be, you’ve got to let yourself feel, you deserve the experience.