What I’m Afraid of Now

What’s your biggest fear? Fifteen year old me would have answered without hesitation. Losing people.

Ten years later, I’ve lost too many people. I’ve been through it too many times to fear it. These days I have a new fear. A fear of not finding people.

Not only am I a social person, I’m a person who craves connection. The soul deep kind that often only comes at two am. Or in the fleeting moments in a taco bell drive through where things get just a little too serious and secrets come out. The nights on a back road when you’re both feeling like yourselves and the music is too loud but you’re singing along louder and off key. I want that kinship. I want to feel close to people. I want to know them, all of them, the best parts and the worst parts and I want to love them anyway. I want to see them, and feel things for them and do things with them.

I’m completely mind numbingly terrified that I won’t get enough opportunities to experience this. I’m afraid I won’t find people. People like me, people who want that connection. I’m scared I’ll just float along, trying to connect with person after person who doesn’t want to let me beneath their surface. I don’t want to give everything to people who take it and don’t give it back. I want to find people who want to live as wide open as I do. I want to share things with them, I want to do stupid in crazy things with them, I want them to know me like I want to know them. I know these people exist. I can’t be the only one.

I’ll keep searching but I’m not scared of losing people anymore. I’m scared of not finding them in the first place.

Amanda Rose Rebello
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