Authenticity
My honesty is the core of my identity, but am I lying to myself?
Anyone who knows me knows that I am open and honest — sometimes to a fault. No topic is ever off-limits with me and I will not lie to you.
But, thanks to nearly three years of therapy, I’ve realized that, much too often, I do lie to myself.
This manifests in all the expected ways for someone like me who struggles with multiple anxiety disorders and depression: I tell myself all the worst things and I believe them.
But, lying to myself doesn’t trigger my moral scrupulosity. It is when I feel I haven’t been completely honest with you — anyone and everyone else — that I obsess and panic. My worst social fear is being thought of as deceitful or dishonest. And I loathe feeling misunderstood.
However, other manifestations of my anxiety disorders include hyperawareness and hypervigilance. I am usually incredibly intune with others’ emotions and moods and have a keen sense of how to navigate around others to avoid any form of conflict.
This, of course, causes a great deal of inner turmoil because sometimes being honest would create conflict. To reconcile this, my coping mechanism has always been to classify omission as morally permissible. I will not lie, but I may avoid, skirt around, or offer…
