So you got diagnosed bipolar. Lucky you.

Hello my name is Dave Bendrix. That is the first lie. It is not my real name. I don’t want you to know my real name. I think that is probably how it should be.

The bipolar me would tell you my real name. The risk taker me would tell you my real name.

For now let’s just stick with the fake name.

Hopefully you are getting the idea- I am bipolar. I am a bit mad. Several Doctors have confirmed this. So keep that in your mind at all time:

I am bipolar. I know what I am talking about, but I am crazy so be careful. I wouldn’t hire me. as a life coach.

Rule 1. Don’t listen to Dave Bendrix. He is crazy.

So you are bipolar? Well so am I. It may seem like terrible news. You are now officially insane, and under most definitions you are also disabled.

We will ignore the disabled part for now.

So you are insane. Good for you, you were always insane. Nothing changed in that sense. You probably became bipolar at the end of your teens, but I am not a doctor. So who knows, but you don’t have crazy little kids that often so it is probably a late teen thing.

At least now you know what you are dealing with, and there are ways to deal with it.

Firstly you can take the meds. The meds help.

For me the anti-psychotics gave me stability. They balanced me out and gave me an extended period of not being bipolar.

It was fucking terrible. For me there is nothing worse than not being bipolar. I walked around like Jack at the end of One Flew over the Cuckoo’s nest.

I figured if that is normal then I don’t want any part of it. For me it has to be anti-depressants.

I am taking citalopram, my drug of choice, it keeps me up. I don’t have to worry about suicide so much. As long as I can stay up I won’t kill myself. That is my key principle. Up is better than down.

There are problems with it. If I have a good period, I keep taking my pills, happy, happy, happy, happy. If I am not careful this can take me take towards Mania or Hyper-Mania.

For me that means I begin to think a little bit about Nazi Germany. I worry that the Nazis are coming back. Once that starts I am on my way towards Mania. So I have to look out for the red flags. I even say to myself- stop looking at the red flags Dave Bendrix.

Then if I mess that up and keep looking at the internet about Nazis I can go crazy. This can include worrying I am being filmed. Worrying that I am doing things when I am asleep. And so on and so on. And believe me, you get that crazy and suddenly suicide is back on the table.

So it is not perfect. It is my system and it works for me. That is rule 2.

Rule 2 This is my program for survival. Read it. Take bits for yourself if you like, but make your own.

Which leads us on to rule 3.

Rule 3 just because we are all called Bipolar doesn’t mean we are all the same.

I won’t just ramble like this all the time. I have subjects and stuff. I just want this opening to be the introduction.

A getting to know you type chapter. Though of course I don’t want to get to know. I had a friend it was over rated.

That’s a joke. I like some people. I just wanted to make it clear, I don’t care what you think.

So suicide in my system is the enemy. That is what I am fighting against.

This is bipolar in my world.

Bad day at work- kill yourself. Miss a train- kill yourself. Have a lazy co-worker? -kill your self. Not everyday, not even every week. It is there though. Dave just kill yourself. That is the 800 foot billboard that fills my mind.

I don’t want to kill myself though. I don’t want to die. If you are reading this and you are bipolar, you don’t want to die either. If you did you would be dead. So let’s agree, the ones who want to die are dead. We can’t help them it is too late.

So let’s focus on the survivors. That’s us dummy.

It is not me- the Dave I know, the ghost in the machine, he doesn’t want to kill himself. I don’t want to kill Myself. It is only the bipolar.

The Bipolar is trying to get me to kill myself. That small bitter part of the condition that thinks “Dave kill yourself” is the best solution to every tiny bump in the road. That is the enemy. That is where my war is, where the battle lines are drawn. That is where we have to make our stand.

I am not going to kill myself and nor are you.

Dave