Irreconcilable
After more than ten years of trying to reconcile the man I thought I knew and knew I loved, with the one whose behavior consistently showed up as profoundly disrespectful and destructive to my spirit, I still cannot.
It’s been six months since I wholeheartedly chose myself and my life and left him to his, without contact of any kind. It’s astonishing that a version of me was willing to perpetuate such a lopsided “relationship,” even for a moment — let alone a decade.
Turns out the man I’ve been loving with every cell of my being for the past decade isn’t who he presented himself to be. That’s on him. Not recognizing what that means — that someone I am meant to love is still living life and waiting to be loved that way — would be on me.
It would be a real loss to close my heart because of disappointment and miss being open, present and receptive when the time comes. Meanwhile, I do us both a service by cultivating my capacity to love — openly, unreservedly and consciously — in every way that presents itself.
With all of my reflexive armor intentionally discarded, it is clearer every day that what I now call “the ten-year thing” brought me here, to where my true love lives — in me. No external confirmation required. No moat to maintain.
There is no need to protect — I am not compromised. There is no need to hide — manipulators will seek and destroy at will anyway, if I allow it.
There is no need to advertise or hit the dating sites ask for fix-ups. There is only my journey, which requires intentional focus, one foot in front of the other, in each moment.
On my birthday, I gifted myself with the promise of absolute sovereignty. Only potential abusers will find fault with that or try to talk me out of it. From this day forward, I no longer offer remedial integrity as part of my relationships. Only love and compassion and generosity — like always.
If that means I am “single” for life, well…that’s been my plan all along, so we’ll call it win-win. One of the many benefits of having no interest in marriage is that there is no leverage — no “carrot” — no need to look forward and project expectations all over my lover; only today and how we engage — separately and together — with the choices and behaviors we generate every day, intentionally.
Integrity is always reconcilable. Words match actions match values. Honor always reconciles self interest with the interests of those we love. It takes something to be conscious and intentional, and to notice when we’re not and clean it up together. No one ever said adulting was easy, and there is nothing cast in stone anywhere saying it takes two. One strong soul can be enough.
Expectations are a drug best used in moderation. The hangover when they’re fulfilled can be brutal when we keep them too low, and disappointment waiting to happen when they’re too high. Don’t get me started about what happens when another person sets expectations with no intention of fulfilling on them, then makes us wrong for believing them. (Google “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” for more info on that.)
As a girl, I learned to keep a low profile with men; to demand nothing, discard my needs in exchange for the favorable opinion of people whose names I’d struggle to recall today. We’ve come a long way, baby. There is un-learning, study and practice to experience. Reinventing myself approaching sixty (in 2019) is exhilarating.
There is also patience and compassion and courage to offer as I learn — a whole boatload of it. In each moment, I reconcile who I am being with the life I choose, and no one — no one — gets to weigh in. No one ever gets the reins again, because I now know that only manipulators want them.
This song from childhood is in my head — couldn’t have said it better myself.
Give me love, give me love,
Give me peace on earth.
Give me life, give me life,
Keep me free from hurt.
Give me hope, help me cope
With this heavy load.
Trying to touch and reach you
With heart and soul.
— George Harrison
