the end of 3rd year.

I never thought I’d be in the position of sharing my feelings and stories online. But this is something I need to do.

Hi, my name in Xin Yue (pronounced sin-ew), and I have just finished my third year of study at UWO, studying medical biophysics. I know, you probably have no idea what that is, so let’s see if I can give you the best summary possible.

“Medical biophysics is an integrated area of study combining ideas from biology and physics to allow us to better measure and understand biological phenomenon.”
— Me

But that really doesn’t have anything to do with what I wanted to blog about. Or maybe it has everything to do with it.

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I recently had an emotion/existential/identity crisis about my life.

What was I doing with it? What did I want out of it? How could I get what I wanted out of it? Would I be able to get anything at all out of it? What if I never get anything out of it? What if I’ve wasted my parent’s time and money on something that would result in nothing? Why am I even doing this? Is it too late to switch to something more marketable — like computer science, or engineering, or business where it seems like all the jobs are?

This kind of whirlwind will rage around your head, turning your thoughts around like a Rubik’s Cube and bleeding poison into everything you’ve ever known.

And it so hard. So fucking hard to refocus after all of this. Because at the end of the day, you’re fighting against yourself. Your brain is desperately trying to tear you apart and put you back together all at the same time.

At the end of it all you are left wondering.

Do I deserve happiness? Have I put in enough effort to want to deserve happiness? Haven’t others tried harder?

These might be the most poisonous seeds of all, because they are un-falsifiable. You will never know the answers to these; all you can do is keep trying and keep going and keep pushing so that maybe one day you feel like you might.

I’m sure these thoughts affects everyone in different degrees, and some to a greater extend then others.

For everyone, they probably stem from the same places.

Will I be able to get a job with my degree after I graduate? Will I be relegated to academia for the rest of my life? Will I be able to support myself?

It’s difficult to predict what the future has for you, and for many young people who’s lives have been laid out in stone up until this point the change and awareness of this uncertainty can tilt their entire entire life view.

This has been very true for me this year. My entire life view was thrust upside-down, inside-out, and VitaMix-ed until it was juice: and all in the span of 2 months.

For the longest time, I did what my parents wanted me to do. I pursued science because it was the ‘PATH TO MEDICAL SCHOOL’. When I realized I didn’t want follow the ‘PATH TO MEDICAL SCHOOL’, I thought maybe I’d like to pursue academia or research. When it turned out that I hated the stress the idea of competing, and projects, and the absolute isolation and uncertainty of doing work in a lab setting, I realized that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this life.

I can’t claim to be a hard worker, or someone who is constantly pursuing new opportunities, and always needs to be doing something or they ‘go crazy’. I’m not like that at all. At this point in my life, I think I crave stability more than anything else. I’m worn out, I’m exhausted, the stress of always needing to competitive and not feeling good enough has really worn me down for the last seven years.

It sucks even more to know that its not only me that feels like this. That there’s an entire generation out there who feel like they might have no future.

I suppose you could say that time heals all wounds, but we can’t forget the other saying — time is money. So for low-income families or families with one child, it feels like you only have one shot. And to miss it, would be the most devastating event to occur; because you can’t make new opportunities without money.

Maybe I’m wrong about all of this, maybe things will get better with time. But my parents have sacrificed so much to put me in this position that I don’t feel like I have any time to lose to make their lives easier.

So anyways, I guess I’m at a cross-roads in life and generally feeling quite desolate. It’s difficult to pass up opportunities even if I hate them because I’m scared that if I miss the, I might never get another chance. Maybe this is all part of the terrible yet wonderful package of being young.

Well, I suppose if you’ve read this far then you really deserve a thumbs up. Thanks for paying attention to my problems and worries, sharing them with you in this manner really helped.