I’ll take “Life Decisions” for 500, please.
Now that everyone is returning to school I guess this is a good time to share some yammers.
There isn’t one single greatest thing that my college experience has given me. It seems that the last 3.5 years were just an extremely drawn out game of Jeopardy, except the audience was everyone who mattered in my life, and where I actually didn’t know shit about anything… so maybe not exactly like Jeopardy BUT, similar in the sense that it felt like there was a lot at stake, like there was this pressure to “win”, people were watching me, and life (Alex Trebek) is just throwing me these topics, but all I can do is give my answers in the form of questions. Sounds about right.
That’s basically college for me and maybe just my life, me talking to myself, questioning every decision I’ve made and not feeling very confident in any of them. What class should I take? How will I afford this? What if I fail? Do I nap or study? What am I taking for granted? What am I passionate about? Am I willing to sacrifice being financially comfortable? Should I move away from home? What do people think of me? Am I overreacting? Am I being emotional? Why am I so sensitive? What do I eat tonight? How am I supposed to feel? WHY am I so indecisive?? Even spending more than 2 minutes deciding if $2.00 for mushrooms was too expensive. Basically a whole shit ton of bullshit, but little shenny is now little shenington and realizes that there has been too much bullshit in her life and she says no more.
I know none of this is new — it’s life, it’s expected. As you get older, shit becomes more complicated and you have to start making decisions and living with them. If you’re a normal fucking human being, I would imagine before you make a decision you question it, yet it has been so exhausting for me to question so many things, constantly, and over time has made me realize how unprepared I was for this life of constant examination. And without knowing, this state of worrying, planning the next step and considering every single factor of any decision I made is stunting what personal growth I would have liked to see.
It’s normal to think of all these things, and in fact, necessary, but thinking like this has led me to feel like eventually I might be settling. And that’s just it; this way of thinking perpetually sets you up to what I think is a normal life. By questioning everything I am inherently playing it safe, looking at all the variables, and looking at the consequences my decisions may have. And I get it, there has to be a balance of being responsible and not giving a fuck, but lately, I’ve just been giving too many fucks. Questioning everything, big and little, has been so tiring, and it made me feel so discontent during this period of my life. It made me feel as if I was following a strict timeline of things I was supposed to do and when I was supposed to do them. I think this way of safe-thinking is detrimental to my future because there should be some kind of mystery and uncertainty to my life. I don’t want to lose my passion to do good, be great and live an extraordinary life because I’m so stressed out about planning it out to a tee.
Looking back, I admit that before I attended college I was an extremely naive, wide-eyed girl. I remember one of my high school chemistry teachers telling my class that kids my age think they’re invincible and honestly there was some truth to that. At the time, life felt like a high, my days felt carefree, and I felt like I had this huge purpose in life and nothing could stop me. I was destined to do something. I wasn’t scared of being poor and all I wanted to do was live on board a Green Peace ship and battle off shark fin poachers. Of course, the harshness of reality is always in the back of your head, but at that time I just simply didn’t care. And that carries a lot of significance in my life, because now it feels like I’m losing this part of me that was oddly a method of pushing myself to do more than what was expected. I don’t know for sure if college per se taught me any of this, if things were different maybe I would have come to the same conclusion. Regardless, life in general and the routine I was in only had room for my daily irrational stresses. I still don’t remember what it feels like to be untouchable.
*I’ve actually been writing this post over the span of almost 4 weeks. I would say in that little amount of time or long amount of time, however long 4 weeks feels to a person, not a lot and not a little has happened. Enough has happened to make me feel like I don’t know the person writing the above paragraphs. Enough to say that I’m feeling stuck and certainly not as optimistic about the uncertainty of my future. It seemed like the universe took it upon itself to make me feel rejected on both a professional and emotional level in the span of a week. I’m sure we all know what that does to a person. I’m a moper that likes to sulk in bed under the covers until it gets too hot to breathe and I come back out for air. Most of the time it’s fine, but those doubts, man they have a way of creeping up on me. But I’m just being a shenny right now. womp :/