Who do you (I) want to be?
Being so young, you realize how long you have left to live. I have spent the last 17 years in school pursuing a goal. Once you reach that goal, one you have been told you must complete your entire life, there is no set rule book for what your next steps should be.
The freedom I now have is one I have never experienced before. No one is asking me to do anything, I am not beholden to anyone but myself. I can fortunately, or unfortunately, say this since I am approaching 6 months post college with no full time job to drain my energy or consume my 9–5 mind. I am constantly distracted by the “what ifs”. One day I am selling myself as someone who wants to work in advertising, the next, Design Innovation. A week later I want to be a filmmaker.
I bounce around from idea to idea for what I want my life to be. While doing so I never feel like I am making any tangible progress.
The freedom I have is terrifying. I am responsible for getting what I want now. I am no longer inside of an institution that is bending over backwards to incubate me with pet projects so I stay busy and develop myself as viable for the workforce. Its a feeling of detachment at times. I am constantly inside of my head, thinking of ways to take what is inside of my mind and manifest it into something to be experienced. Its a self centered view of yourself to bet on others to care about what you want to show them, and actually enjoy it. I am 1 of 320 million Americans. If you are optimistic, everyone of us has a dream that we are trying to achieve, and if you are pessimistic, everyone of them are in the way.
I think the a flaw of being human is being stuck inside the self. You are consumed by yourself and what you want for yourself because, especially as a young person of the 21st century who is lucky enough to not have children or burdened financially, you are your responsibility. I have the freedom to do and be who I want, as long as I put the energy into it.
But for me, I have Career ADD.
The shifting in focus stems from my fear that I will never be good enough at what I think I am capable of. I love learning about how the world and how people work. That iswhy I chose to study Anthropology. I am allowed to observe, read a few books, and write down what I see. If everyone on the planet was aware of what an anthropologist does, there would be 7 billion people on this planet roaming around being entirely too self aware This wouldn’t be any fun. I want to process the world I see and experience and produce masterpieces. Once, an uber driver told meI was a “renaissance”. One of my favorite professors described my writing as “essayist”. I have enough humility to not read too into that, but when someone who reads and writes for a living tells you this or when a person whose job it is to interact with many people tells you this, they can’t possibly make it up.
I’m no Leonardo da Vinci, but I do feel a connection to figures like him. Someone whose mind is blessed enough to not limit their capacity for expertise is inspiring. Maybe my downfall was being told I was gifted at a young age, but the path I went on landed me a degree from UVA. I never want to live a life where I feel limited. There is an entire world out there that my mind wants to consume. If I am only given one life, I sure as hell am going to make sure I do everything I can possible to make it worth it.