I choose you as my parenting partner. you will influence my children. your skin,your hair, your personality, your height, your dress code, i choose it all. we can potentially share 15000 meals & 20000 coffee cups together. you will be my travel companion for 13 years & career mental therapist.(no matter what is your medical post.grad thing is) you will be the one i share about my day, every single night for 4745 days.

but fuck it. it was just a dream while counting stars. honestly I was a fuckboy before i met you. i should have stick with it. or i should have stay with illogical dating rulebook.i should not have pay attention to small details of you. cacophony in my head is so hard to resist. our society encourage us to stay uneducated and let romance be our guide. i should have went with that flow. i didn’t & it hurts.

It is weird that most of our happiness & pleasure; lot of it depends on other people want to be around you. but most of us are not that good looking & full of miseries that other people don’t want to get in to. its kind of sad. but it is what it is. it affects our self esteem. we think that we will fit in and maintain higher self esteem. then fuckeries will happen and we are not willing to go through it again. why we are not willing to go through again? human mind is wired for 3 main things; to reproduce, explore & survive. survival factor jumps in and says you’re already hurt you want to risk it again? and our prefrontal cortex will say NO.

Recently i asked questions from myself.

Do you love this girl?


Do you want this girl to be happy?


you failed to provide the sex drug or whatever that thing to make her like you right?

yeah it seems so.

she may find it from someone else, she’ll be happy there. you okay with it?

no. but it should be yes.

But I’m a human (i guess) and I’m selfish. i want this person to be with me all the time. but she got nothing to with this drama. she has the freedom to go for the people that makes her happy. i should not define her by this. i should define her by her potential. what she meant to me at her best times. : )

Back to the topic, thought prisons are the best prisons, because you got the key to get out of it anytime you want. but i lost the fucking key !!!

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