Getting Used To The “Nothingness”

Xiao™
Xiao™
Aug 26, 2017 · 4 min read

23:25hrs

There are days when things do not happen the way you’d want them. At the end of the day, you just want to be alone and brood. We all have those days. If the earth could just open up and swallow you whole, that’d be nice but even that is too much to ask for.

You get used to the quick “I’m OK” response to “how’re you doing?” when you know deep down inside you’re really not OK, but admitting it to yourself may come out as self-defeatist, and to the world outside — weak. I get that sometimes we respond in the spirit of being or sounding positive, optimistic that the day will be bright, at least brighter than what it was when you dragged your bum off the bed to start what will be a good day — hopefully.

The void becomes something you get used to from time to time. You almost don’t realize it until the shit takes a real grip on how you interact with the world outside, because hey!why not? You have been used to being cozied up inside too long.

Something’s Just Not Right!

The constant reminder that everything is not OK with your present circumstances stares you in the face — ringing in your ears — at every bend — with every breathe — with each step you take towards what would/should be “the dream life” you’re struggling to build for yourself. Why bother I ask? Then again, what do I know?

Loss can be very devastating. A bundle of cash, a bag with your most valuable documents, an ornament, a folder from you computer with neatly arranged files or the computer itself, a flash drive with your most important files, a hard disk drive with all of your time consuming and carefully acquired favorite files preserved for reference, a cell phone, a job or the opportunity therein, an arm, a leg, a part of your body function, a house, a home — the list could be endless.

But losing something as valuable as your mind compares to no other devastating loss you may have felt or be presently feeling — because what is human without his/her mind in the right place? You try to adjust to the newness but you know you’re fucked real bad because where is the help when you need to get it back?

The loss of mind goes with the loss of self — with that courage follows. Your new state seems normal because no one else understands you better than you do at that moment — everyone else is ab-normal at this instance — you’re perfectly ok, no?

The Demons we Live with!

I happened to have listened in on a conversation about a woman who stayed in a marriage for 10 years be abused by her once non-abusive couldn’t-hurt-a-fly “loving” husband. “He wasn’t always like that in the initial stages,” something changed — he snapped. He started with the glossed over slap on the cheek to the smack on the face, then to beating — in her own words “like a dog.” Something changed with him and with her as well.

Both lost themselves in the nothingness — the new newness they got used to without working out the nuances. But that’s how it begins, the getting-used-to state of life’s adversities. As the abuse went on, she developed a life threatening condition out of this constant abuse. Losing one’s self goes with the loss of courage to work around the change.

So I’m left thinking, what makes anyone stay in an abusive relationship — a marriage when s/he darn well knows the hurt s/he’s inflicting on himself/herself from the constant abuse will leave him/her irreparably damaged?

It is well…

Rise Up!

Regardless of the wandering thoughts we set out on the next day’s hustle, chin up, work a smile on your face while you strut the pathways — your lips couldn’t remain puckered all day. The motivation is all you’ll need for the day — yes I can do this.

“This is my life, It’s not what it was before”

“These are my dreams, that I’ve never lived before” — the echo remains forever resounding — but we’ll get through this.

Insomnia And Mind Games!

23:40hrs

It’s a few minutes shy of bed time, but a restless body finds peace when the mind is at peace with itself. I’m left with the constant reminder, to be at peace with one’s self, you’d have to be at peace in mind and in body. Many times too often, the mind wins. The body seeds to the will of the mind. The body just has to deal with the shit the mind tells it to, regardless. This is my new newness — the nothingness.

“The pain is part of learning who you are” and “in the pain there is healing.” This too shall pass!

So “…these are my words

that I’ve never said before

I think I’m doing okay

and this is the smile

that I’ve never shown before…”

I could get used to this nothingness for sometime, someday, maybe someday I can sing along…

“…now that we’re here,

it’s so far away

all the struggle we thought was in vain

all the mistakes,

one life contained

they all finally start to go away

now that we’re here its so far away

and I feel like I can face the day I can forgive

and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.”

Credit: “Staind — So Far Away”

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Xiao™

Written by

Xiao™

'I'll be your clown, behind the glass, go 'head and laugh cause it's funny. I would too if I saw me'

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