We, the Pioneers

Three years ago I cut off communication with my family of origin (FOO), which consists of my parents and little brother. At times it has been very hard to cope with the realization that I will most likely never see any of them ever again.

At those times, part of me wants to call them. Out of a sense of connecting with my roots. Of what could have been. The happiness and connection I could have experienced with my family.

A part of me cries inside and imagines a different reality, a reality where my mother isn’t an abusive narcissist and my father isn’t a emotionally dead coward. A reality where I could look back on a happy and safe childhood, with dear memories of connecting with my parents.

I close my eyes and I can see a father who takes the time to teach me what it means to be a man, who shares his life experiences with me and asks me what I think of life.

I see a mother who is kind and gentle with me, who stands by my side when life is difficult. Who comforts me when I am little and gives advice when I am older.

But there will be none of that with my FOO and so I am out on my own in the world now, fighting for my life.

I picture my future self in a family picture with my wife and children. My children have parents behind them in that photo. That photo symbolizes the support and love they have behind them going forward in their own adult lives.

My children will know that the people behind them will be there for them. Guiding them through life, providing a sense of stability and a sense of belonging. I will never have that. I will never have my father and mother behind me looking after me, guiding me in life. And it hurts my soul at times to think about it.

Yet at these times I am able to find comfort and I find that comfort in knowing that I was the first to break the curse, the first to break the cycle of abuse. With me, the physical and mental abuse of my bloodline ends. I will not abuse my children. Instead I will love them and teach them, listen to them, and encourage them to go out to make the very best of themselves.

I was the first to say no to continued dysfunction. I was the first to have the courage and strength to walk away from evil. I am a pioneer, the first of my family to set out and make a real difference for those who will come after me.

And so are you.

I tell you, you who had to break from toxic FOOs, you are the pioneer who will shape the future for the rest of your bloodline. You are the one to lay the foundation for the future of your DNA. You were the needed icebreaker and you can take immense pride in that fact.

Being the first is tough at times and it can feel very lonely. But know that you will save your future children and grandchildren all the pain you had to go through.