Avant Garde (a.k.a Artsy) Lock Up

No animals were harmed, living or dead, in this project; please don’t hurt me now, try to chuckle a bit or two, the whole project is supposed to be satirical.

My Sunday mornings are always screwed up, bloodshot eyes, irritant headache after a turbulent sleepless night; I could never come to terms with the reason for sleepy eyes on those mornings, it is one of those times law of average goes for a toss. I can perfectly understand the cause for my insomnia on Saturday nights though; I sleep the whole day on Saturday, so it is only natural that I keep on rolling on my bed unable to sleep. If I were a believer and rolled that many times in a temple, I would have been ensured of instant paradise, but I am not, such a pity. One such a weary Sunday breakfast time, the penultimate one to be precise, I happened to notice an advertisement saying that a project created in our Pazhakkadai Paadi (Yes, whether you like it or not, this is the fictional town I created as a backdrop) was a finalist in The Grand Canine Film Festival, and it would be an understatement if I say I was pleasantly surprised.

Don’t get me wrong, we have a rich cultural history, there is a word going around that Gods first created the universe, eventually stones, soil, vegetation, other animals and human beings followed in the same order, you know the evolution stuff, with only one change, that is, our language was created even before soil was created from stones. It perfectly makes sense, our classic language must have been created that early so as stones could start communicate right away, don’t pass judgement on my reasoning please, after all we see Gods only in stones (ah, I love blasphemy!), so our language is Gods’ language and our cultural history started right from there.

It was only in movies, we had been lagging a bit. Once I had a brilliant idea of rewriting our movie history and had to drop the project due to ideological differences with my publisher then. My theory was, Ingmar Bergman and Stanley Kubrick, at different times, visited an ashram in our place to get enlightened before launching their illustrious movie career, which spanned fifty years each, based on my findings that a Tamizh song was played during the orgy in Eyes Wide Shut. OK, Kubrick took fifty years to hint the source of enlightenment he had. So, I decided that it was about time the world knew the whole truth and things like that. However, my publisher was adamant that only Stanley he knew was Stanley Hospital in Royapuram, and he couldn’t bet publishing a book based on that. So, he wanted me to write a book focusing on Jurassic Park Director, I told him that I had my doubts on that director’s artistic achievements, then he wanted me to work on Titanic Park Director, I denied the offer saying that Mr.Cameron was a master of tools, but not an artist I admire. Even the fact that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were lead pair in Kubrick’s last movie was not enough to convince my publisher. OK, the whole project went down the drains not only because of ideological conflicts, I started having doubts on my grammar skills as well, and my beloved co-author deserted me around that time.

OK, now about this Grand Canine nomination worthy movie, after a couple of bookings and usual cancellations, finally happened to see that movie last night.

The film starts with four German Shepherd Mongrels living in incanine conditions (it is analogues to inhuman conditions, appreciate my wordplay please), like after brushing their teeth with imported paste and brush, they have to use corporation water to refresh their muzzles. They start running in freezing cold, on the lookout for a place to relieve themselves. From the other side of road, a German jogging with his Vibram shoes is being chased down by some stray dogs. Our protagonists stand up for their fellow German and save him. OK, a finer detail now, even though all four of them are of same age and same background, one among them is the lead, that fact is signified in such a way that he always walks in front and centre. There is also a fleeting moment of romance for him with another puppy. Back to the opening now, one of them tries to relieve himself on a lamppost, but the hero tells him about the need for clean surroundings and advises against what that other fellow almost started. (I am not misogynistic here, please feel free to replace ‘him’ with ‘her’) They all go to a public lavatory system, there are only two toilets, two have to wait outside. Here the camera focuses on the two waiting outside in freezing cold with anxiety.

In the next scene, they are inside a police station being mercilessly beaten, with occasional bellows of CONFESS! No one really knows what they should be confessing about. Our fellows assume that all these beatings are because of our hero’s romance with the puppy, whose owner happens to be a police official. After twelve hours of beatings, backstory is given, since flashback being so conventional, the whole backstory is given as fragments of conversation. Briefly this was what happened.

The day before, an influential grandma was making vadais, a crow stole a vadai, flew up a tree in Germanus Bakery complex and sat down to eat it; a fox came and asked the crow to gave the vadai, the crow shook his head indicating No, then the cunning fox asked whether the crow could sing, the crow got carried away and started cawing, the vadai fell down, the fox quickly grabbed it and ran away. Meanwhile the influential grandma insisted on her watchman that he won’t get any vadais until he brought, in front of her, the whole gang who were responsible for the aforementioned conspiracy. The only clue they have is, the crow sang a German rap song. And, the watchman locked up the first German folks he came across, yes, our innocent four German Shepherd Mongrel pups. And, started beating them to confess. (Please don’t point out discrepancy on whether it was police or watchman, it is not such a big deal, after all both wear khaki uniforms.)

Our protagonists vehemently deny the accusation saying that they didn’t steal the vadai, moreover they eat only imported dog food. The oppressor keeps on beating them. Calling it a beating is simplifying things, actually there are various torture activities employed on them. After a day or two, the oppressor accepts the fact he also knows that the accused don’t have anything to do with the vadai conspiracy, but he doesn’t have a choice, so they have to accept the blame. He tries to convince them saying that the punishment will be minimal, they don’t have to return that stolen vadai at all. The hero refutes to confess on an ideological ground that them imported feed eaters, can’t bring themselves down to stealing a vadai. In between, we get some silly jokes in the name of dark humour, a bit more melodrama before our protagonists accepting the blame. They are brought in front of that influential grandma. Our pups whine to her saying that they were forced to confess, and how they don’t deal with desi foods et al. Regular customer to that vadai shop, the German who was helped by our pups in an initial sequence, also vouches for our heroes. The grandma reprimands the watchman for falsely accusing naive folks and releases our heroes. Our pups happily run out of the cursed place, while the third one is jumping out of the passage and is in mid air, intermission card is shown.

During intermission, it is being told in a Government broadcast, that school children get school uniforms, books, notebooks, pencil box, crayons, laptop, laptop bag, bicycle, bicycle puncture kit, bus pass, bus spare wheel, stones to trash stray dogs, foot wears, midday meals (as a bonus, meals will taste like soaked foot wears), stickers, sport equipments, glucometer, thermometer, barometer and what not at free of cost. I should have born twenty years later. I am always at the wrong place at the wrong time. Self pity creeps in. I could keep on going in the same line, you could even say ‘puppy shame’ to me, still it won’t earn a Grand Canine nomination, so let’s go back to our real puppies (OK, celluloid puppies).

When our heroes come out of that accursed place, the German also accompanies them, and realising that they haven’t eaten anything for a long time, invites them to his house for a breakfast of Pepperoni Hopple-Popple in German style. Our beloved pups start enjoying the food, and the camera is turned to kitchen where the wife of the German is having an animated conversation with him. Crux is this, one of her soiled panty was carried away by a stray dog, the man is given an ultimatum of sixty seconds to bring the culprits in front of her. OK, don’t get puzzled, sixty seconds timeout is generous considering the fact that we need to do something morbid to these folks having breakfast in the hall, after all it is an avant garde movie. Camera oscillates between three frames, the pained man, the vile woman and the happy breakfast gang. Don’t look at your watch, it is OK even if we have taken more than sixty seconds.

The woman locks the gate, our heroes are locked up again (Sorry I have to bring this titular term somewhere.) Now the man and the hero have a heart wrenching philosophical conversation.

-Why us, why feed us only to punish?

-It is the system, we are just pawns, today you, tomorrow it is me or someone else, it is the system

-What system?

-A system is an organized, purposeful structure that consists of interrelated and interdependent elements (components, entities, factors, members, parts etc.). These elements continually influence one another (directly or indirectly) to maintain their activity and the existence of the system, in order to achieve the goal of the system..

-It doesn’t make any sense, I don’t understand.

-I don’t understand it either. I don’t think the audiences are going make anything out of it either. The goal here is to utter some nonsense in a resigned, reluctant tone. The moment audiences try to grasp it, switch it to a different scene, which is interesting enough.

A few more switch cuts of pained expressions.

-Come on, confess!

-No, we won’t. If we have to suffer, we would have suffered in a vadai theft case. Stealing a dirty underwear is too gross.

-Please understand, it is a realistic avant garde, art movie; it needs a morbid ending, we are well inside the second half, we have to converge, you don’t have a choice.

-No, we didn’t steal it.

-You don’t have a choice, you have to accept it.

-Then what?

-You will be put behind the bars, I will take out my wallet and see a picture inside, it will be of my daughter playing with a puppy, I will have tear in my eyes. Blank screen for ten seconds with a voiceover, then credits.

-We won’t confess, unless you agree to our terms. Shoot us in an orchestrated encounter.

-Ok. But, why are you trying to run away?

-To create more emotions in audience, they are supposed to have a bleak hope and suspense till the end that we might escape.

So, we are coming out of the theatre overhearing a conversation which goes somewhat like this. They were such a cute puppies, why did they have to kill them, a girl whiningly chirps in. Her friend, a wanna be tough intellectual guy, haha, I know what you would have liked, four good puppies fight the system, bring the bad guys to media, all is well, real life is not like that, honey, it is such a morbid life.

I don’t know which moron should be killed first, him or her. Anyways, it is so kind of you to stick around thus far. Hope it was artistic enough, with enough blood and pain. Actually I have one more project, it has more scope for bloodbath, hear out the gist.

This is about a pact of bears who perform traditional dance, while pining in poverty, a movie director tries to convince them to teach their art to film actors, but they reject the proposal, hero bear’s sweetheart gets a marriage proposal from a businessman in the next scene, and our hero sacrifices his love for the sake his lover’s well being. At the intermission, he comes to know that there is a conspiracy wherein hero’s ex is impregnated so that the baby bear will teach traditional dance to movie people. The whole second half deals with our hero bear on a blood bath mission to claim his darling back. By the time, hero bear reaches the hospital, after beating, scathing and slashing all bad human beings, his sweetheart is dead while delivering the cub. The last frame is, hero bear running into a forest clad in blood stains carrying the unwashed newborn.

Bye bye till the next time, see you in hell or in a movie theatre!