Use your intuition baby girl.
You’re a few months away from him coming to you, with his head down, speaking in a low in a whisper, as though he doesn’t want to hear his own admissions. The sentences that trail from his lips will be gentle and structured, but there will be no deed or spirit behind his words.
You’re about 90 days away from being caught off guard when he says
“i care about both of you deeply and at some point i realized that the two of you just give me different things, why can’t we just let it be what it is …”
You’ll learn a something new about yourself that day when you realize that you have the ability to listen with your whole body. The hair on your arms will stand on end and your stomach will knot as his truth comes through in fractions.
This will be the first time you listen. You didn’t listen when he only showed up on weekends, you didn’t listen to the sadness in his eyes or that feeling that he wasn’t ready for you.
But you’ll start to listen then, as he sugars his words with things he knows you want to hear like
“but, i don’t want you to leave … let’s figure this out, and see where this goes…”
He’ll pull you in two directions, just to make sure he’s still able to access your good box you know, just in case of an emergency. When this happens, try not to fall into your ever present need to be needy.
Or maybe he’ll just ghost you and you’ll be left to process the pain of another failed relationship on your own.
The point is trust your gut.
Listen to those moments when you question why he hasn’t taken you out yet or why he seems so detached. Listen to the girlfriends who can see what you can’t and warn you about allowing the relationship to progress. Watch for the signs that he’s not healed from his last long term relationship. Remember how empty you felt after that last hit an run when he calls you Thursday to see what you’re up to Friday. I know, there’s nothing on your calendar, but don’t front … you know how to lie.
Forgive yourself, take care of yourself. Know that you’re a catch, you’re hella sweet and fine as fuck. A little thirsty, maybe … but don’t beat yourself up. You’re not the only one out here parched, salivating at promise of becoming someone’s other.
If you stay long enough for this day to come, take a yoga class and a bubble bath and try not to get too emotional when it does. Your emo outburst won’t change anything. And in the aftermath, don’t fall into the fear that love will never come. The hurt woman that lives in your heart will be crushed but the wise woman who guides your spirit will be comforted by finally admitting that you felt this coming.