Option B
(It is just some notes for myself)
How I become resilient.
Resilience is the strength and our speed of. response to adversity.
I know that it is to experiment post-traumatic growth. In the wake of most crushing brows, people find greater strength and meaning. I also believe that it is possible to experiment pre-traumatic growth — that you don’t have to experience tragedy to build resilience for whatever lies ahead.
Option A is not available. So let’s kick the shit out of Option B. Life is never perfect we live some form of option B.
3 P that stunt rediscovery:
Personalization — the believe that we are at fault
Pervasiveness — the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life
Permanence — the belief that aftershocks of an event will list forever.
Hundreds of studies have shown that children and adults recover more quickly when they realize that hardships aren’t entirely their fault, don’t affect every aspect of their lives, and won’t follow them everywhere forever. Recognizing that negative events aren’t personal, pervasive, or permanent makes people less likely to get depressed and better able to cope.
Not everything that happens to us happens because of us
When we’re suffering, we tend to project it out indefinitely. Studies of “affective forecasting” — our predictions of how we’ll feel in the future — reveal that we tend to overestimate how long negative events will affect us. People also over estimate the mega impact of stressful events.
Just as the body has a physiological immune system, the brain has a psychological immune system. When something goes wrong, we instinctively marshal defense mechanisms.
Seligman found that words like “never” and “always” are signs of permanence.
Replace them with “sometimes” and “lately.” “I will always feel this awful” became “I will sometimes feel this awful.”
I also tried a cognitive behavioral therapy technique where you write down a belief that’s causing you anguish and then follow it with proof that the belief is false.
Humans are evolutionarily wired for both connection and grief: we naturally have the tools to recover from loss and trauma.
We had evolved to handle suffering and the deep grief would not kill me
The first noble truth of Buddhism is that all life involves suffering. Aging, sickness, and loss are inevitable. And while life includes some joyful moments, despite our attempt to make them last, they will dissolve.
“when we accept this noble truth, it actually lessens our pain because we end up “making friends with our own demons.” I wasn’t going out for a drink with my demons, but as I accepted them, they did haunt me less.” — Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön
“Respect our feeling”
Sadness come over at awkward time, just take a break on whatever you are doing
It occurred to me that dealing with grief was like building physical stamina: the more you exercise, the faster your heart rate recovers after it is elevated. And sometimes during especially vigorous physical activity, you discover strength you didn’t know you had.
One of the things that helped me most was focusing on worst-case scenarios.
Counting blessing can actually increase happiness and health by reminding us of the good things in life
We all deals with loss: job lost, love lost, lives lost. The questions is not whether these this will happen. They will, and we have to face it.
Resilience comes from deep within us and from support outside us. It comes from gratitude for what’s good in our lives and from leaning in to the suck. It comes from analyzing how we process grief and from simply accepting that grief. Sometimes we have less control than we think. Other times we have more. I learned that when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.
Even option A are gone for so many of us, we were not alone.
the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. To literally say the words: I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.” — Tim Lawrence
“I see it. I see you are suffering and I care about you”
When someone is suffering, we don’t follow the golden rule: “treat others you want to be treated” but use the platinum rule: “ treat other they want to be treated”
Specific acts help because instead of fixing the problem they address the damage cause by the problem.
Physical contact helps to relieves some stress and anxiety.
Grief doesn’t share it schedule with anyone; we all grieve differently and in our own time.
Anger is one of the 5 stages of grief famously defined by Psychologists Elisabeth kübler-Ross.
In the face of loss, we’re supposed to start in denial and move to anger, then to bargaining and depression. After we pass through these 4 stages can we find acceptance.
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as offering the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to a friend. It allows us to respond to our own errors with concern and understanding rather than criticism and shame.
Self-compassion comes from recognizing that our imperfections are part of being human. Those who can tap into it recover from hardship faster.
Self-compassion is associated with greater happiness and satisfaction, fewer emotional difficulties, and less anxiety.
Self-compassion often coexists with remorse. It does not mean shirking responsibility for our past. It’s about making sure that we don’t beat ourselves up so badly that we damage our future.
Journaling or talking to voice recorder will help improve mood
Giving second chance is important
Self-confidence is critical to happiness and success. When we lack it we dwell our flaws. We fail to embrace new challenges and learn new skills. We hesitated to take even small risk that lead to big opportunity.
Life can be understood backwards but loved forward. — Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard.
Journalism help me make sense of my past and rebuild my self confidence to navigate to presence and the future.
Writing 3 things that went well and why
“You often argue that people can’t be what they can’t see,” Adam
If you don’t see that growth is possible, you’re not going to find it. And I had to admit that post-traumatic growth sounded a lot better than a life filled with sadness and anger.
Post-traumatic growth could take five different forms: finding personal strength, gaining appreciation, forming deeper relationships, discovering more meaning in life, and seeing new possibilities.
“I am more vulnerable than I thought, but much stronger than I ever imagined.” When we face the slings and arrows of life, we are wounded and the scars stay with us. But we can walk away with greater internal resolve. — Nietzsche
‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.’ (Aka, finding the reason to live and grateful that it is not the worst of what had happened)
When people endure tragedies together or endure the same tragedy, it can fortify the bonds between them. They learn to trust each other, be vulnerable with each other, depend on each other. As the saying goes: “In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”
Finding meaning in life
Family and religion are the greatest sources of meaning for many people. But work can be another source of purpose. The jobs where people find the most meaning are often ones that serve others.
A brush in death can lead to a new life.
Although it can be extremely difficult to grasp, the disappearance of one possible self can free us to imagine a new possible self.
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been open for us” — Helen Keller
After undergoing a hardship, people have new knowledge to offer those who go through similar experiences. It is a unique source of meaning because it does not just give our lives purpose — it gives our suffering purpose.
This is the end of one chapter and beginner of the next
Make a list of things you enjoy — and make a vow to do one thing on the list after work each day
Paying attention to moment of joy takes effort because we are wired to focus on negatives more than the positives. Bad event tend to have a stronger effect on us than good events.
Many of us remember being happiest in flow — the state of total absorption in a task.
Whether you see joy as a discipline, an act of defiance, a luxury, or a necessity, it is something everyone deserves. Joy allows us to go on living and loving and being there for others.
“You become stronger as you seek solutions to seeming roadblocks or dead ends” Tim
start by helping children develop four core beliefs: (1) they have some control over their lives; (2) they can learn from failure; (3) they matter as human beings; and (4) they have real strengths to rely on and share.
(1) writing down what you want to achieve and things you need to do now, today tomorrow to get there
(2) children respond better to adversity when they have growth mindset (see abilities as skill that can be learnt and develop. They can work to improve.
When parents treat failure as an opportunity to learn rather than an embarrassment to be avoided, kids are more likely to take on challenges.
(3)
Resilience is not just built in individuals. It is built among individuals — in our neighborhoods, schools, towns, and governments. When we build resilience together, we become stronger ourselves and form communities that can overcome obstacles and prevent adversity.
To be resilient after failure we have to learn from them. The majority of regrets were about the failure to act, not actions that failed. Psychologists have found that over time, we usually regrets the chances we missed not the chances we took.
We all have blind spots — weaknesses that other people see but we don’t. Sometimes we’re in denial. Other times we simply don’t know what we’re doing wrong.
One of the best way to see ourselves clearly is to ask others to hold up a mirror.
Accepting feedback is easier when you don’t take it personally. Being open to criticism means you will get more feedback, which makes you better.
After every low score you receive give yourself a second score based on how you handle the first score. — law professor Doug Stone and Sheila Heen.
Even when you get an F for the situation itself, you can still get an A+ for how you deal with it.
Humor can make us more resilient.
The love we need to lead a fulfilling life cannot come from others but must come from inside us as well.
Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others.
Tragedy doesn’t have to be personal, pervasive, or permanent but resilience can be.
