The Longest Road p1: Getting Away and Starting Over

An ongoing story of running away from anxiety and depression and the search for happiness and joy.

1. The Longest Road p.1: Getting Away and Starting Over
2. The Longest Road p.2: Vipassana and the Seeds of Change
3. The Longest Road p.3: Full Immersion

When I left home in November of 2015 with the intentions of switching things up, I had no idea just how much things would change. I was generally unhappy, often angry and depressed with most aspects of my life; career, surroundings, physical and mental self. From the outside looking in it would seem the opposite as I had a great career, incredible friends and still managed to have quite a bit of fun. Behind closed doors was another story all together, I tried hard to bury these feelings around those who knew me best and probably thought I was doing a good job, but I’m sure some could see me becoming more withdrawn and quick to anger in benign everyday situations.

I felt as though I had reached a breaking point when I started having anxiety attacks when faced with participating in social situations, even with good friends. It was especially bad when the invitation came days or weeks ahead of time as I would brood on it constantly and the anxiety would build and I would drink and smoke as a means of escape. I eventually came to the decision that I needed to make a change, something was broken, I had lost myself, there had been better versions of me and there could be once again.

A year earlier I had heard that New Zealand now offered working holiday visas up to 35 years of age so I applied just before my 35th birthday. I figured if nothing else this could be my ace in the hole. Over the next year things did not improve drastically but I set in motion plans for change and this brought about its own sort of peace. During that time I began to speak openly about my anxiety and how I was feeling and was surprised by how many people shared similar experiences, even those of whom I thought of as rock solid. It goes to show you that most people are silently carrying their burdens. Eventually the time came to make a move and the NZ visa became my go to card. I went about purging myself of all material possessions that I could not carry on my back. I wanted a clean slate with no physical or emotional attachments and responsibilities. This process was not all that foreign to me as I had done it twice before with a fair amount of success. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say. I have a simple piece of advice I give to people who may be contemplating but are afraid to make such a leap, you can always come home, it’s that easy. Slate cleaned, I was off.

I had previously set up meetings with recruiters in both Auckland and Wellington and they were eager to meet with me as I had been working in IT Security, essentially keeping hackers at bay for the last 5 years. I met with them and talked about wanting to settle down in NZ and start a new career in this field, as this was the plan at the time, and was met with much enthusiasm even after I told them that I was first taking a vacation for a couple months. The rest of my days were spent walking around the 2 cities and trying all the craft beers on offer, where I would overhear the local IT guys complaining about their jobs, many of the same complaints I had left behind. This inserted some doubt into my plan, would I only be transferring the same problems I had left behind to New Zealand, would another corporate gig be the key to happiness? I would have to figure this out later, it was time for a much needed vacation. A few months before leaving I was talking to an old friend of mine who was traveling in SE Asia and he had suggested that we should ride motorbikes across Vietnam, this sounded like the perfect adventure.

25 hours of flights later and I was in Laos where I met my friend Will, it had been almost two years since we had seen each other. We had been roommates for close to 3 years back home and he was one of the people I was closest to in the city, reuniting was a joyous occasion. Will had been traveling for close to 18 months by then and I was excited to see the subtle changes in him that only being on the road for that long creates. I was especially eager to see the effect of the 3 Vipassana meditations he had done over that time. After the initial jubilation of our reunion and traveling through Laos for a couple weeks we headed to Hanoi to buy our motorbikes and start our journey which would take us across Vietnam and Cambodia.

One of the first things I realized on our travels was the contrast of how Will and I dealt with various situations. I was usually quick to anger whereas he was more level headed and remained emotionally unattached to them. Another striking contrast was that he no longer questioned everything as was his tendency at one point, it was now replaced with a quick and calm internal analysis of “is this important, no, move on”. The more I observed the more I became convinced that doing a Vipassana mediation could be beneficial for my well-being.

Early in our travels we met an Austrian named Erwin and we quickly became a great trio, his energy and candor complemented our two natures very well. One night, a few weeks in, I was talking to Erwin and he asked me what made me happy, which gave me pause. The only peace I can remember is that time right after having great sex, I feel alive and vulnerable and at peace. Which lead me to recently read OSHO’s book “From Sex to Superconsciousness”, which somewhat validated this feeling of Samadhi. Erwin wasn’t satisfied with my answer, and neither was I to be honest as chasing peace through sex has numerous pitfalls, of which I have often been victim. He then gave me some great advice that I took to heart, that I should do whatever I want, if I want to go to the beach just go to the beach, not to question or doubt everything but to listen to my inner self and just do. This advice would pave the way for many things to come.

Over those 2 months and 4000km’s I met many incredible and wonderfully inspiring souls. I’m generally not one to go see the sites but to make those connections with great people, that’s why I love travel. Being surrounded with good people certainly helped to calm and detach myself from that previous life but I knew much deeper work needed to be done. The feeling of having lost myself and/or not loving myself really began to bubble to the surface at this time and I really had no answer for it, nor could anyone else answer it for me. It quickly became more of a priority then heading back to NZ as the alternative would be to remain living with anxiety, confusion and doubt.

A new chapter in this journey was about to begin, Will was moving on to Thailand and I would be on my own again. This was really the first chance to start making decisions for me. I took Erwin’s advice and booked myself into a yoga meditation retreat that I had heard praised from a few different sources called Hariharalaya in beautiful rural Siem Reap. I had done yoga here and there previously, perhaps 15–20 drop in classes spread over a couple of years. I had always felt great afterwards but for some reason I couldn’t make the practice stick. I figured this was the perfect opportunity to work on the body and mind and see if I couldn’t gain some clarity.

Hariharalaya was an awakening experience in a number of ways. I found it hard at first to share my feelings with such a large group of strangers but there was no judgment, again the realization that everyone is carrying their own respective burdens and that you’re not alone in this. The yoga 2–3 times a day in various styles was welcomed by a body battered by the road and my practice quickly improved. This was also my first real introduction to mediation and while I found it quite frustrating at first I did experience a brief moment of perfect stillness, after 20+ hours, which was complete and utter bliss. I would only understand later that being attached and craving to repeat that feeling was my barrier to attaining it once again.

I still experienced anxiety over the nighttime group activities, it’s like I only have so much energy I can share in group situations before needing to return to my solitude. My mind turns on itself in these situations, thinking what are people thinking and you should go out there, and so on, story of my recent life.

A new thought had been creeping into my head of late, one of volunteering, giving service or healing and helping others which eventually morphed into perhaps teaching yoga myself. This was also the turning point of my diet becoming predominantly vegetarian as they served a vegan diet that surprised me with both its variety and quality. I did however sneak out to the village a couple times to get some eggs, I felt like my body needed the extra protein, and I really love eggs. The overall experience with Hariharalaya was exceptional, it shed light on things I needed to work on, I met some wonderful people and came out with new possibilities for the future. I definitely felt lighter of mind and body when I left.

Joel, the owner, makes this experience available to everyone at exceptional affordability, Hariharalaya is truly a reflection of his spirit and generosity.

Next: The Longest Road p.2: Vipassana and the Seeds of Change