The Longest Road p2: Vipassana and the Seeds of Change
An ongoing story of running away from anxiety and depression and the search to discover happiness and joy.
- The Longest Road p.1: Getting Away and Starting Over
- The Longest Road p.2: Vipassana and the Seeds of Change
- The Longest Road p.3: Full Immersion
With February coming to a close and my Cambodian visa coming to an end I decided to slip down to Koh Tao Thailand to take a rest and collect my thoughts by the ocean. I kept my yoga up with my personal practice and also trying the various yoga studios to observe different teaching styles. I booked my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) in Nepal where one of my teachers, Natacha from Hariharalaya, had done hers. I also registered for a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation in Myanmar but only after completing then closing the registration page 3 times, it felt daunting to lock myself up for 10 days with my own mind.
With a few simple clicks I had set a new course into uncharted waters but I had recently adopted a saying of “trust the process” which was essentially a way of saying live in the moment, don’t question, just do. Since I had a couple weeks to kill I flew up to Chiang Mai to reunite with Will. We took a trip to a friend’s floating yoga retreat on a lake just North of Chiang Mai called Om Waters where we relaxed for a few days. Being the awesome friend that he is, he was more excited than I was at all the new developments coming into my life. Our time was short but sweet so I had to head off to Myanmar.
Upon arrival to my hostel in Yangon I met 3 others who were doing the same Vipassana. Over the last couple months I have been constantly surprised at how many people have heard or done these long term mediation retreats, especially from the early 20 something crowd, this continually gives me hope for the future. I spent a few days exploring the hustle and bustle of Yangon in the high summer heat then shared a cab to Dhamma Joti Vipassana Center with my fellow mediation mates.
The center was situated in the middle of Yangon but was a tranquil oasis amidst the chaos just outside the walls. They provided us with all our bedding, food, water and much needed mosquito nets. These centers, which are located all over the world, are free to anyone and rely solely on donations. Their aim is to make meditation available to anyone who seeks it out, they just stress that you must remain for the entirety of the course. Silence must be observed starting on the first day of the course and I must confess that I was personally glad for the silence over those 10 days. I felt like this leveled the playing field, I certainly would not have had the same experience had we been allowed to talk.
The first day of the meditation I was quite comfortable and was thinking that sitting for 9 hours a day would be a piece of cake. This was turned on its head the second day when the knee and back pain started. I could hardly sit for 5 to 10 minutes without the pain disturbing me or my mind running off like a dog chasing cars down a highway. Will had given me some great advice which was of great help, “build your throne of cushions early on” (make yourself as comfortable as possible) and “nap whenever you can”. You would assume that doing nothing but sitting all day would not be that exhausting but the 4am starts, 17.5 hour days and the mental work is quite intense. I napped after the breakfast and lunch breaks and found this to be extremely helpful.
As the days passed I would have ups and downs but I was determined to remain disciplined, I wanted to get something out of this. When I had thoughts of frustration and giving up on a particular session I would just tell myself “you have nowhere else to be, so keep going” and I would go back to the breath. By the 8th day I was really frustrated, I felt like I didn’t understand the technique or the flow state and I was tired and felt lethargic. The morning of the 9th day Goenka said something in one of his talks that broke down the barrier, it brought it all together. I was a bit annoyed that he hadn’t mentioned it 4 days earlier but I understand why everything is revealed at it’s proper time, one must experience his own truth.
Armed with this new knowledge I set to work on the dagger point in my back that had been causing me so much grief over the last week. For 3 hours I just watched this point pulse and throb as a neutral observer, it would sometimes grow faint like a tik tik tik and then it would tighten like a golf ball for minutes at a time like an unwanted spirit refusing to leave its host. This was physically manifested in a knot between my shoulder and shoulder blade, this was the first real mind body connection I had ever made. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “I carry my stress in my shoulders, neck, ect”, this was the truth I came to realize. Whatever stressful situation I had experienced in the past had physically manifested itself in the form of this knot in my back, which obviously has numerous physiological effects.
I came to the realization that each pulse and tik was a different sanskara, a memory/emotion/impression that was experienced in the creation of this knot. Close to the 3 third hour of observation the knot literally began to dissolve away, like crumbling some crackers in your hands and blowing away the remaining dust. When you watch it equanimously you liberate the negative energy, the sanskara, you erase it. As i left the meditation hall that day I felt so light and more amazingly I had regained quite a bit of range of movement in that shoulder where the knot had been, a true mind body connection. Needless to say I have been sold on the Vipassana technique ever since and this is only what you would call level 1.
The rest of my time at Dhamma Joti was spent focusing on these cross spots and becoming more aware of the subtlest of sensations in my body, its incredible how much emotional baggage is buried within our physical self. On day 10 we were allowed to start talking and I must say I missed only hearing the clatter of the tin platters at lunch but once again I met great people that are doing inspiring things.
Another of the teachings that had and continues to have a daily impact in my life is the idea of non-attachment, the theory goes something like this. The mind has two predominant basic reactions; Craving, the I want, I like, I agree and Aversion, I dislike, I disagree. Being attached to either of these is the root of all our unhappiness and suffering and we experience them hundreds of times a day and they come and go in a split second, often without notice.
Let’s take the example of aversion. In school you heard that Bob had bought exam questions to pass his class and at that time you judged him with aversion, you didn’t like or respect that he cheated even thought you didn’t know if he actually did. 10 years later you hear about or see Bob and your mind processes that information and will automatically attach that feeling of aversion to Bob, “Hey” you’ll say in your mind, “that guy’s a cheater!”, and it happens almost instantly and most of us would not even notice the connection. For the record Bob’s a great guy and that was just a rumor.
Craving works in a similar fashion when either we desire something and we don’t get it or when we do get it and become attached. When we want something and don’t get it we become frustrated, angry, unhappy and disappointed. However when we do get what we want and become attached to it can lead to pride and arrogance where the ego dominates over this attachment, my car! my laptop! my phone charger! We can also attach fear, jealousy and worry that this something will change or disappear like a passport, your spot in line or even your significant other.
Meditation is a tool to tame the mind and allows us to insert a wedge between our senses and reactions. Without craving and aversion, there’s no fear, anger and worry… Absence of fear, anger and worry is peace… In this way we can begin to free ourselves from the bondage of our patterns and begin to truly live in the moment.
Being thrust back out into the chaos of Yangon was not a bad as I thought. I could immediately tell what those 10 days had brought into my life. It had given me some control back over my mind, the waves of thought were now crashing against the dam and I consciously allowed which thoughts I wanted through. It must be stressed that regular mediation practice is required to strengthen that dam otherwise it will crumble under the stress of those waves.
With this newly discovered zen-ness I was ready to tackle my 200 hour YTT, so it was time to set a course for beautiful Nepal.
