Weekly Poliscope April 18, 2016

DEMOCRAT

You may be planning a vacation, but because Mars is all retrograde, perhaps you should sit on your sofa, take a vapecation and learn how to use Snapchat. Do whatever you need to get through these next several weeks, no one’s judging you. Well, God is, but you know… ;)

This week, your friend Amanda will give you constant opinions on upcoming primaries. Let’s face it, it’s not because Amanda deals with a three year old kid eight days a week that she knows anything about politics. You may not have kids but you know plenty about assholes. So tell her to suck it via Snapchat and then defriend her on Facebook.

Stay away from salads and soups. You need to eat hearty foods, it makes you appear strong.

Love and sex outlook this week: meh.

REPUBLICAN

Spring has sprung and it’s all about your right to bare arms. Show those biceps, triceps and batwings — enjoy this constitutional entitlement!

This week is about getting in touch with ourselves, or at the very least about touching someone else, spiritually or physically (in the confine of your own separately specifically-gendered bathroom stall — like the ladies and gentlemen you are).

As Mars enters retrograde, take a look at your life more objectively, Republican. If you don’t like what you see, delete the tweets, hire a PR firm, lie to yourself. People think you have a terrific life. Don’t ruin that image because you’re feeling down. You’re great! You’re American great and that’s greater than anything in the world.

Another sexual affair could come to light. Don’t sweat it — soon it’ll blow over. Then you can go back to fighting those who oppose fracking because as the Lord says, fracking outside of marriage is a sin.

INDEPENDENT

The Kiwanis Club is looking for volunteers.