I’m clenching my teeth and crying a little because I’m having an adderall hangover for the first time in a while. I feel sad, and I know it’s that fake, chemical sad but it doesn’t matter. I’m anxious.
I haven’t slept soundly in months.
I had a long talk with a friend today. We talked a lot about self-improvement and trying to learn from other people. On one hand, like most of the times when we’ve had these long talks, I feel inspired to do better, to be better. On the other I feel like a burden, like I’m holding my friend back, like maybe I’m holding everyone around me back. It’s an irrational but actual fear I haven’t much experienced before. I feel like an anchor but in the bad way you know?
I don’t know if I feel unlike myself or too much like myself.
I really believe when you’re feeling bad you give off that energy and I wonder if my general aura of…whatever this is, is putting people off. I don’t blame them, really.
It’s 5am now and I’m starting to feel sleepy finally. I feel a little bit of relief. A little less like dying I guess haha (“haha”).
I try not to write things that don’t have any value to the reader. At the very least I try to tell you that you’re not alone in feeling that thing you’re feeling. But there’s value in doing things for just yourself too. My jaw still hurts and my head hurts. I still don’t know when I’ll work again. I still feel lonely and bad for admitting to it. Still flailing a bit. But maybe I’ll get some sleep. When I wake up maybe things will be a little better. They probably will be.