My neurotic New Year’s Resolutions for 2018

Let’s be real for a minute…

New Year Resolutions can be EXTREMELY un-rewarding and emotionally taxing on us humans.

We torture and torment ourselves in so many unrewarding ways at the beginning of this new cosmic rotation around the sun. These fruitless rituals burn us out and make most of us feel miserable by the end of January…And by the time February rolls around, 2/3rds of us are knee deep in overpriced Uber Eats takeout boxes and heart shaped Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers, googling on our phones if the boneless chicken wings you just ate are within your “Whole 30 diet” plan,(they aren't), all the while you are re-watching seasons 4 through 7 of Parks and Recreation alone on a Saturday night…again.

So today on this clean slate, I am putting up my own list of neurotic “New Year Resolutions” as somewhat of a “gag” to make fun of New Year resolutions, a testament of knowing that each day is a catalyst to begin a new chapter of positive growth in your life, and also for the fact that I lowkey hope that one of the more ridiculous and over the top “resolutions” I make actually comes into existence and I don’t have to write thinkpieces anymore to try to pay off my student loans.

Anyway if you actually made it this far into reading this hot pile of trash, here’s my list of New Year “resolutions”.

New Year, New Neurotic list of things I want to achieve for 2018:

  1. Battle Donald Trump and his administration in a Yu-Gi-Oh duel and win, thus banishing them all to the shadow realm and leaving me to become the “King of Games” and President of the United States of America.
  2. Force Tetsuya Nomura and the entire Kingdom Hearts III production team into completing this God-forsaken game before this year ends or I will burn Square Enix HQ down to the ground WE’VE LITERALLY BEEN WAITING FOR THIS GAME SINCE 2006.
  3. Shoot my shot and slide into the dm’s of all the celebrities I’m crushing on right now but in the most smoothest and least misogynistic/problematic way possible (Will probably get blocked on Twitter a lot this year)
  4. Finally ask supermodel, activist, and T-Swift’s bff, Karlie Kloss out on a date because I’ve had a crush on shawty since 11th grade when were in TEEN VOGUE together (this actually happened)
(Pardon my ashy elbows )

5. Become a Contestant on Chopped or Iron Chef America and literally use every ingredient they give me to try to make pizza just so that Guy Fieri can see my potential and eventually mentor me to be able to host my own show on Food Network.

6. Become a celebrity chef and make cool chef friends so we can all be on Munchies “Chef’s Night Out” but it just ends up being VICE news filming me taking care of inebriated drunk 30 something hipster white dudes who still think that they have the same metabolism from when they were seniors in college but their dad bods and sagging neck tattoos say otherwise.

7. Become Hokage. Master the forbidden Ninja arts.

8. Convince John Boyega I’m his long lost brother so I can get free tickets to the Star Wars Episode IX premiere.

9. Become Twitter famous for my lame jokes and get verified so I can get invited to go on The Tonight show with Jimmy Fallon to perform a “ comedy routine”. But instead of telling jokes I call out the upper class in New York City and every other major metropolitan area of the United States for contributing to the mass gentrification and socio-economic oppression of minorities in America, all the while having to get carried off stage by security and get banned from 30 Rock for the rest of my life.

10. Try to pitch a slice of life comedy roughly based on my life to Mike Judd and also try to get King of the Hill back on the air.

11. Get my book of the ground and ultimately see it become an Anime (I’m not joking this is a legit goal for this year)

12. Get a large amount of money (roughly $10,000 dollars or more) legally without having to work…which means I’ll become a receipt hoarder and fill out every survey that I find on the back of my receipts. I eventually become like Gollum sans the emaciated body and thinning hair and say to myself secretly “my precious…” everytime I hold a receipt from Walgreens.

13. Get in a fued with both Logan & Jake Paul but in the process make them realize how problematic they actually are, which then leads them to dissolve Team 10, give their lives to Christ and eventually rebrand.

14. Get Barack and Michelle Obama to adopt me as their Godson.

15. Hustle my way into the EVO fighting game tournament and beat all the internationally ranked players in the championship under the gamer tag (Casual_GamerDood777) and be really specific during my victory interview that I only play video games once or twice a week so I can watch the satisfaction of seeing the rage and anger burn in the eyes of my defeated opponents who’ve dedicated their entire lives to playing Street Fighter 5.

16. Have dinner with the president of my University and ask him, “Why?” And when he asks, “Why what?”, I’ll say, “you know why…” as I dramatically get up from the table and the camera pans to my silhouette walking off into the sunset while taking the plate of overpriced food that he and his staff paid for me to eat. Plate and all.(And yes this is subtle shade about the 2016 election)

17. Try the best cinnamon roll in every state.

18. Survive the impending fall of the republic in 2018 and lead the rebellion into victory in 2019.

Happy New Year I hope it’s the beautiful and unpredictable fever dream you’ve always wanted.