Home or Lost

Love Home

I had sex with you tonight.

I broke up a year ago and told you I needed to be alone to be able to find myself. I didn’t have room for Love at the time. I wasn’t ready for a serious commitment and you were looking to get involved and take things to the next level.

I needed to find my own path, pursue my passion and be alone to introspect.

I needed to learn how to love myself and to take care of my desires. I dreamt a lot, I wrote, I created, I grew, I traveled, I got scared, I cried, I danced, I smiled … I had all these emotions and I also felt deep happiness. One day, I figured out I wanted to come Home to start a new Home of my own. Building a home for me and for you (maybe) …

I came home and concentrated on building a business based on my passion and my recently found-inner-self. I worked; I stressed-out and I still couldn’t commit to my New me in my old Home. I was afraid someone would judge me. It took time to let go and I finally did.

I feel at home anywhere … I have this capacity to cherish each moment and enjoy to the fullest. Yet, recently, I started feeling lonely. Feeling something was missing. I needed someone to share my passion, my self-thoughts, my creative mind, my laughter, my fears, I needed someone I could talk to, that would understand and complete me. I needed to feel at ease with simplicity and spontaneity. I would clung to a feeling called Home in every guy I would meet but nothing clicked. I wanted to feel it so bad …

Three weeks ago, I had a vivid dream of serenity and you were the main character. When I woke up, I thought of you … and you messaged me that day. A very deep, intense and bold message telling me how compatible we were, how you understood my escape from Home, how you believed we were meant for each other since the first time you met me …

Your honesty and courage made me fall for you … changing the idea I had of you.

Throughout our relationship, I would walk on eggshells, always afraid to hurt you or open up freely. My emotions would be confronted to your selfish energy. I could sense you did not have the ability to Love the way I would if I let myself. So, I didn’t let it free…

Two people meant for each other share the same way to Love.

I conditioned my emotions so I wouldn’t be hurt and at the same time I needed that space alone so I left you.

When I received your message a year after, it triggered something deep down. It felt like I had found the missing piece of our puzzle. Being two emotionally handicapped individuals, these words truly opened up my heart to you. We had dinner and I didn’t know what to tell you. I was waiting for you to make the first move.

Three weeks after, I asked you out for drinks and we scheduled for today. Before seeing you, I had already a weird feeling deep down. A feeling we can’t change who we are. I had been reaching out to you to tell you I was ready. You were lazy declining and rescheduling like you weren’t sure.

You opened up my heart with your message … I saw you today and told you we should talk at your place for more intimacy. You told me you were afraid of getting hurt again, you told me you could be passionate, you confessed you weren’t sure anymore because I could leave once more. I understood and tried to reassure you…

We had sex … you called me an Uber and coldly told me you would call me after you came back from your trip this week.

I didn’t feel Love, I didn’t feel Serenity, I didn’t feel Home …

I feel sad, I feel disrupted, I feel lost again …

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