How My First 5-Minute Comedy Show Is Definitely Going to Go.

I’ll open by asking the room how they’re doing. Then I’ll comment on how I just saw a special from Pete Holmes where he talks about how opening a comedy bit by asking how the crowd is feeling is a good way to ruin the energy in the room. Then I’ll apologize for ruining the energy in the room and joke about how this is going so well already. “What a great start.” Then I’ll throw out my forced fake smile, which is a crowd pleaser. It’s fake fake, meaning they see that I’m joking about doing a fake smile.

This is where we’ll hear the first laughter from the audience. It’s not an uproar but they’ll be picking up what I’m putting down. I don’t want my first show to go the way other people experience their first shows, so I’ll have been pretty deliberate about what I’m wearing. I read that female comics need to be dressed in a specific way so they’re not overly sexualized by the men in the audience and not looked down upon by the women in the audience. I’ll wear a pair of dark jeans, a black t-shirt, and my leather jacket. I think it’s saying that I’m cool and very “New York” but also that I didn’t plan this at all. It just feels right, plus my hair is done but not so much that it looks like I’m trying too hard. I’ll basically be nailing this look.

Then I’ll abruptly jump into my first joke as their laughter dies down. My joke is about lady farts. Farting is too easy but my joke is about how sometimes as a woman you sit on benches or leather chairs sometimes and (obviously silently) fart and instead of the fabric absorbing your fart, the fart creates a little bubble or air pocket and travels up from your butt and tickles your clit. It’s like a little freebie and I wish all farts resulted in this. Sometimes you don’t even need to be sitting, it can happen if you’re wearing tight pants.

The audience will laugh very hard at this. Everybody farts and women are uncomfortable about talking about farts sometimes so those ladies are going to be laughing especially hard. All their dates will feel a little weird about their farting but it’s a joke about farts so they can’t resist and they laugh also. This first swing of laughter will give me that confidence I needed to carry me into the next joke.

Then I’ll comment on how I don’t normally tell people this because I’m a lady.

There will be more laughter here.

Next will be a seamless transition that starts with “speaking of being a lady” and quickly fades into my joke about how it takes literally every ounce of energy inside of me to not look in my tissues after I blow into them. Literally all my energy.

This is, of course, super relatable which is why there will be more laughter from the audience.

Here’s where I’ll say “because I’m a lady I like to be courted when I’m dating.” But I’ll reiterate that it’s not that I’m high maintenance but rather that I like to feel special. I have the occasional slip-up but it doesn’t happen that often. It really depends on the weather.

The audience won’t understand how the weather plays a factor so they’ll chuckle. I’ll be prepared for them to not understand this so I won’t panic. At this point I’ll make eye contact with a bearded man in the audience that appears to be single because I’d really like for him to buy me a drink after my set.

I’ll go on. Like for example, I’ll say I went on a date with this man, and he was charming and fun and we smooched at the end but I wasn’t that sure about him. He later made a plan to take me out again and we ended up having a nightcap at his apartment. I wasn’t planning on sleeping with him on the 2nd date but it was raining. That’s what I mean when I say it depends on the weather.

The crowd won’t think this is hilarious but they’re into it, smiles and chuckles all around. Again, I won’t panic because I’m a natural on stage and I’ve done the exercise of planning on this whole thing not working out so I can be pleasantly surprised when I become famous.

I’ll find someone in the crowd who’s wearing white sneakers. There is bound to be at least one person. This will seamlessly segway me to my next joke about the cult who all drank Kool-Aid to kill themselves. “Have you heard of this cult?” I’ll ask. I find it wildly interesting that this cult of people who killed themselves still has an active twitter account and working website. What must that conversation have been like? “Oh, you guys go ahead, I’ll handle the twitter and social presence, I’ll take one for the team this time.”

They’ll laugh. They see how this is funny. Cults are scary and dangerous but also funny.

I’ll go on to discuss how I feel guilty for boners. I will also say it just like that. “I’ll now discuss how I feel guilty for boners.” The abruptness of the transition adds to the humor.

More laughter.

I feel responsible every time I give someone a boner, and when I don’t get rid of the boner, I feel like a bad person. It’s like making a mess in someone else’s house, and then not cleaning it up. It’s like making someone cry and not saying you’re sorry. What kind of horrible house guest would I be if I didn’t clean this mess up!

Boners will really get the crowd going. All the men have had boners, all the women have had to deal with boners. Super relatable material. I give that joke an eight.

I’ll stare off into space and make a note about how I often stare into space and get in a blank gaze staredown with strangers on the train.

“Do you guys get into blank gazes that you don’t want to break because it feels like you have to finish it out?”

They’ll all agree that they know what I mean. You have to get the audience to agree with you because then they trust you. Trust leads to more laughter. My goal as a famous comedian will be to create a safe space where even the loudest of cackles can feel comfortable.

Well, I often get into these blank stares on the train and 2 full minutes into it, I realize I’m blankly staring at someone’s dick or boobs. If you’ve had a blank stare you know it’s imperative not to break it even though in this case it’s really not the best way to make friends. Why do my blank stares end up on people’s dicks and boobs? That is something I’m working out with my therapist but we haven’t tackled the root of it yet, but signs point to something with my dad.

More laughter. Everyone goes to therapy. And if they don’t, they’re sympathetic to having problems and making light of them. Having problems is universal. Even if your problem is just mismatching your socks. My note about going to therapy will have my bearded boyfriend in stitches. He’ll find my self-aware sense of humor hilarious. It might be love.

Speaking of therapy, everyone seems very upset about cops. As a white woman I have a question — what are cops? I feel like they seriously affect everyone else’s lives but I don’t know what they are. We have literally no interactions whatsoever. I occasionally complain to men in black uniforms and they get things for me or give me rides home when I’m drunk. Is that what cops are?

This will be both sad and funny. The audience will want me to wrap up. I’m thinking that joke could be funnier if I maybe start it with a sad story that a black friend has told me about being discriminated against and then I hit them with the “I nodded along while hearing him tell me the story but all the while I was thinking, ‘what are cops!’” Next time I’ll try that way in. The sooner I close out here, the sooner Bearded man can buy me a drink. I’ll then make hungry eyes at him once more.

I’ll end with a thank you and a note about if I gave anybody boners in the crowd I’m happy to meet them by the exit.

“Thank you so much guys!”

Clapping and obligatory cheers.