A Note To You.

Hearts carry emotions and feelings. In my case, my head carries emotions and feelings too. The thoughts in my head seem so real that for flashes I am living in those made up stories than in the present. The stories are neither fictitious nor real, they are alternate storyline to my reality. Early on I rationalized it by thinking that I internalize the trials and tribulations of others and sew them in the fabric of my life; reflecting, reacting and living others’ moments. However, it’s not so.

The narrative in my head is usually stretches of blank space. No words or feels. Just a depth of nothingness which I do not even comprehend until it’s over. A time lapse of sorts. When actions and words come into play, it’s a mix of longing and hope as anyone’s imagination.

I fail to explain why I need to be alone. Let me try once again — sometimes I feel a dullness around me which actually is in me. This dullness has nothing to do with outward boredom, as I have noticed it comes to me during company and in isolation both. I feel I need to give my mind a rest by being in a private space, be it a chair or room, and for the next few moments or hours let myself be. I find myself incapable of social interaction in those times, and each time that I am spoken to or have to speak, it’s as if the spell has broken and I have to begin all over again.

This is not my plea for help. This is not my justification for my behavior. This is not my request to understand me. This is what I feel and this is what I want you to know.

Signed by me.

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