The fictitious promulgation of the Velociraptor
How I fell out of love with SkyMall
Hey SkyMall, we need to talk.
Is it cool if I call you SkyMall? I never caught your last name, so I certainly hope it’s all right that we’re on a first name basis. After all, I’ve known you since I was eight years old. We met on a flight travelling halfway across the country. I was the kid with a full cup of ginger ale and nothing on my mind, you were the magazine that made me realize I needed an easy to clean, orthopedically designed dog bed. Of course I didn’t own a dog at the time, but c’mon, that dog bed was made with a polyester micro suede blend that is eight times stronger than other cottons.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life since we first met, but you’ve been there for me on every flight. You even let me take you home if I wanted to see more of your products. I can’t believe how naïve I was back then, but I was falling for you. You were the one magazine I trusted to show me unnecessary and overpriced products while I was trapped on a gigantic metal tube hurtling through the sky.
Do you hear me, SkyMall? I thought you were the one.
Fast forward to today. I was flying direct from Ft. Lauderdale to Milwaukee, a nice three hour jaunt during which I decided to spend some time with your Late Spring 2014 catalogue. Everything was going great. I really liked the personalized world traveler map set for only $200, which is just like a world map but with my name on it. I also really appreciated your sippy cup wine glass, perfect for those times that I need to get a six year old drunk. But what really caught my eye was the “Velociraptor, Jurassic-sized Dinosaur” Statue. I started to read the description in unabated excitement. For only $2,250 (plus $200 for shipping) you told me exactly what I could get:
A “meat-eating prehistoric replica dinosaur statue realistically designed with terrifying teeth, retracted foot claws and an S-shaped neck, which was cast in quality designer resin and hand-painted with powerfully convincing color and texture as faithful to the ancient species as possible.” This statue measures over five feet tall and weighs over one hundred pounds.
SkyMall, I don’t even know where to begin. This is the biggest injustice to the Velociraptor community I have ever witnessed.
First of all, you claimed that this Velociraptor statue was “Jurassic-sized.” This seems unlikely, considering Jurassic is a time period and not a measurement of size. Moreover, Velociraptors did not live during the Jurassic period, they lived during the Cretaceous period. I know what you’re trying to do, though. You’re basing this statue off of the Velociraptors portrayed in the Jurassic Park movies, but you don’t have licensing rights. To get around that, you decided to describe this statue as “Jurassic-sized” and hope the reader makes the necessary mental leap. Pretty smart, right? No. Not smart at all. In fact, the Velociraptors portrayed in the Jurassic Park movies were almost entirely factually incorrect, and more closely resemble other Dromaeosaurs, like Deinonychus and Utahraptor (although more in line with the size of a Giganticus).
You further claimed that the Velociraptor statue was hand-painted with a powerfully convincing color and texture as faithful to the ancient species as possible. If you knew anything about Velociraptors, you would not have spent so much time painting them, since they were actually covered in feathers, which you neglected to include in your statue. Even if I forgave you for forgetting the feathers — which I don’t — you further compounded the problem by neglecting to include quill knobs.
Seriously, do you know anything about Velociraptors?
Finally, to the dimensions of the statue. You are trying to sell me a statue that measures in excess of five feet tall and one hundred pounds, when Velociraptors were actually closer to three feet tall and weighed less than fifty pounds. Maybe if you made the statue about half as big you could come down on the price a little.
After all, you’re asking $2,500 for a Velociraptor statue that is incorrect in almost every way imaginable.
It’s probably for the best, though.
It would have looked really out of place next to my “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti” Tree Sculpture.
