TSSK — My improvement since the meeting
In my TSSK meeting, I brought up the issue that I was lacking in self confidence and lacking in time management. Although many people don’t realize this, and are often shocked to find out, I suffer from crippling anxiety and depression as the result of my Primary / High school experience. I had the unfortunate experience of being riddled with sever acne, cysts and skin inflammation (Thanks puberty!), and as such, I received unrelenting bulling both physically and mentally, every-single-day.
I never ever dared speak up, fight back or defend myself, this only further strengthen my attackers resolve to destroy me. So my only defense was to sit silently and “ignore” it. Of course it was impossible to ignore, so it was more of just tuning it out. I would escape somewhere else mentally, either thinking about the future, about the books I just read, or dreaming about anywhere other than right now. I’ve always been a silent person, always keeping my thoughts and ideas to myself, always people watching,always analyzing everything, and I do mean everything, which doesn't do me any favors.
I over analyses work, friends, text, meetings, conversation, always trying to be one step ahead, always waiting for the moment when the true colors of the person I’m analyzing to reveal themselves, to finally unmask itself and reveal that this was all a ploy in an attempt to hurt me.
So I brought this issue of self confidence to my lectures (sparing them the details of my past) and asked if there was anything I could do to stop myself from second guessing everything. They recommended that I should stop being so afraid of the world, that what happened has happened, nothing will change it and what I should be doing is looking ahead, not behind me. Not necessarily forget the past but learn from it, take the lessons on board, ensure that my future never returns to what it was in the past.
These were all well and good and in good heart, but honestly, I had heard this all before. I promised them I’d try to be more outspoken, ask more questions, take leadership and to embrace the nerves, don’t fight them. Although I had mentioned that Time Management was an issue, It mostly stems from my lack of confidence and motivation.
How I’m better improving myself:
Since the meeting, I have been using Hack N plan more effectively to task myself. Giving myself plenty of tasks, but breaking them down into sub tasks so that I feel more awesome when I complete a bunch. I also set up the alarms on my phone to match these tasks so that i don’t get too lazy and put them off.
As for the Self confidence, I actually feel a lot better. My lectures may not have known it, but that was the first time in a loooooong time that I told anyone about what I see in my self. Their words and suggestions were echoing in my mind for quite some time (they still are), and so I’ve put them into action.
I’ve been asking more and more questions in every class, even though they may sound stupid or the answer might be obvious to others, I still ask. Because I’m here to improve myself and to leave the old me behind. I set tasks for my team members and have had a few debates with them over the course of project 3 (something I would only ever think about doing just a few weeks ago.) I’m going out more and trying to connect with new people. (although this one is a little tricky… never had friends going through high school so I lack the social skills… Its an up hill battle but I need to climb it.) I’ve been to a few Indie developer panels here in Brisbane, and following a few designers on Twitter.
I’ve recently volunteered to be at Supanova, greeting guests and helping vendors, which has made my confidence sore! I met two amazing people who I shared most my time with, I sang in front on 30+ people on guitar hero (Again, tell me this 4 weeks ago and I would have laughed and laughed at even the idea of me doing that). It was VERY nerve raking, every fiber in my being was screaming “ NO! RUN! They’ll all laugh at you and this will be the end”, but, the words of my lectures drowned out these thoughts, I knew that if I didn't get up on that stage and sing “All the small thing”, that I was going to give into my fears and my past, that the bullies where right all along, and I couldn't let that happen.
What does the Future Hold?
I’m still living off the energy from my time at Supanova. It’s giving me new life and new reason. Things aren't so scary after all, not everyone is out to humiliate me. I’ve met amazing people here at SAE, all of whom I call friends, all of which I feel as though they appreciate my input. I’ll continue to be more outspoken and to be more organized. I’ll continue to be me :)